Hummingbird
by sascake
Summary: AU Lukas' only goal in life was to take care of his younger brother, until he was diagnosed with an irregular heart rhythm. His originally peaceful stay in hospital was interrupted when the loud, cheerful Mathias was moved into the bed beside him and refused to leave him alone; yet as his health began to deteriorate, the Dane decided to fall in love with him. DenNor, SuFin.
1. heart broken

**_hummingbird_**

**heart broken**

* * *

He often felt as if his heart had been replaced with a frantic bird.

The frenetic racing of his pulse was abnormal, and he knew it. Physical exercise would leave him breathless, doubled over and struggling to inhale any oxygen that he could, and the tight pain in his chest couldn't be put down to just stress. Yet still, that's what Lukas told himself. Sometimes his chest felt fine and at other times, he could barely drag himself out of bed. He couldn't remember how long this had been going on for.

Maybe it was an underlying fear of it being something fatal that made him stay silent about his pains.

It wasn't as if he could focus on himself. With a mother who threw herself into her work after two disappearing husbands and was rarely home, it was left to him to look after his younger half-brother. Emil was only sixteen, and though he could probably look after himself, Lukas didn't want the opportunity to arise. He was the older of the two: it was his job to make sure Emil has his homework done, give him decent meals and make sure he got to bed at reasonable times. Any flutterings from his heart surely had to be from his worry at the approaching exams. Lukas struggled through them when the time came, the answers making their way onto his papers as he pressed a hand to his chest in an effort to calm his pulse.

Then it came to his final exam. Modern World History- the Norwegian knew it inside and out, but he found his gaze unfocused multiple times during it, and shook himself into scrawling down the answers with a shaking hand. When the bell rang to signify the end, Lukas pushed himself up from his seat and took a wobbly step, trying to make it towards the door and sleep off his pain at home.

He never made it.

The corners of his vision twisted like a kaleidoscope, and his legs crumpled beneath him. Lukas lost consciousness before he even hit the ground, with his classmates gasping and the teachers trying to herd the crowd away to give the blond some space. Through all the raised, frantic voices Lukas was peacefully, blissfully unaware.

"Mr. Nilsen, I'm afraid that you have Cardiac Arrhythmia." The Norwegian stared blankly at the grim-faced doctor, hands curling into the coarse sheets of the hospital bed. The man had wasted no time in telling him the diagnosis when he woke up despite his mind still being hazy from sleep. Not hazy enough to miss what he was saying, though. "Simply, it's a irregularity of the heart. Your heartbeats have been erratic, meaning your ventricles aren't pumping blood throughout your heart. This drops your pulse and cuts off the blood supply to your organs. You collapsed and stopped breathing, and were very fortunate in the fact that one of your teachers could perform CPR. You've been suffering from it for quite some time, and it's a wonder it hasn't seriously affected you until now."

"Right. Okay." Lukas spoke blankly, his face emotionless. "So what do you have to do to cure it?"

"It isn't easy. Right now we're considering your treatment options as we judge the severity of your case but for the moment, it could be anything from medication, to fitting you with a pacemaker, to cardiac defibrillation..." The words passed weightlessly over Lukas's head as the doctor continued, and his gaze drifted down to the fists clenched around his hospital sheets. He didn't have to know his medicine to understand what the man was saying.

He was ill. Very ill.

The rest of the words coming from the doctor's mouth were simply tuned out. Lukas let his head fall back against the headboard, blue eyes sliding shut with his mind in turmoil._Cardiac arrhythmia- irregular heart- pacemaker- _**surgery-**

Without a doubt, these frantic beats now were because of inner panic rather than any kind of condition. Soundlessly, the Norwegian crossed thin hands- _when the hell did they get so thin just how long as he been ill- _over his chest, palms pressed into the skin below the thin hospital gown. Feeling the beats of his heart. The heart that could kill him at any moment.

Sleep came quickly to a grateful Lukas.

* * *

"You should have told me you weren't well." The brothers were both infrequent speakers, yet Emil was perched in the chair beside his bed, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. It was surprising to see him without his puffin- his beloved bird that their mother had decided would be a good birthday present, despite being a ridiculous species to get. Either Mr. Puffin had been left at home, or confiscated at the entrance. Lukas suspected the later, as he shifted in bed while avoiding the various IVs and wires trailing to the heartbeat monitor. At least he had the assurance that if anything happened this time he would be in a building full of professionally trained medics, rather than a school hall full of panicking students and teachers alike.

"I didn't know I was ill. Not like this."

"It's your heart, isn't it? It's too weak? The hospital wasn't straight with me when they phoned." Emil should have still been in school by now, but his brother let it slide. It was acceptable for him to be absent, just this once.

"It's called Cardiac Arrhythmia. Stops the blood pumping around it. I don't know what they're going to do about it, and I don't really want to know either." Lukas closed his eyes, raising his hand to rub along his jaw. "Does Mom know?" He tried to ignore her absence. Surely if she did know she'd be here, finding out what was wrong with him, confronting the doctors and asking them how they could make her son better?

"I think so. They would have told her before me." Emil glanced down, guilt flashing across his face. It wasn't the boy's fault that their mother wouldn't even come to see him in hospital when he was so unwell, perhaps instead duly paying his bills behind the scenes, but Lukas shrugged her absence off bitterly. He had Emil, and his brother's quiet support was all that mattered. "I brought some of your things, though. A few of your books; your phone; sketch pad; toiletries..." Pulling a bag from under his chair, the Icelandic boy handed him the satchel. Lukas allowed himself a rare smile, unbuttoning the flap and peering at the contents inside.

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

"It's really nothing. It was all I could do. I'll make sure the cats are fed, too." By this he was referring to the cat each had, named so wittingly 'Norge' and 'Ice' after their separate father's nationalities. They would have probably taken it in turns to feed them and clear their litter, if Lukas hadn't fiercely insisted on doing it himself. In hindsight, maybe the stress of being the caretaker to the home had helped with the physical destruction of his heart.

"Make sure you feed yourself too. I'm sorry I can't be there for you while I'm here."

"What are you saying?" Emil's usual quiet tone grew to one of agitation, and he stared at Lukas in amazement. "You're ill, it's not your fault! I can look after myself. You don't need to worry about me- you've always been so overprotective of me."

"You're a kid; of course I'm going to worry. That's what big brothers are for." At this, Emil grumbled silently to himself while a smile played on Lukas's lips. "_You _don't worry about _me._I'll be out of here soon enough, once they decide what to do with me." At this, his face grew somber again, his expression mirrored by Emil. "I'll be fine. All I need is some peace and quiet, and they could even let me go with medication. You just have to wait and see."

Emil digested his words slowly before leaning forwards and patting Lukas's shoulder. Physical affection was lacking between the two- simply because neither considered hugging the other, since it would be just strange to start now- but the warmth from his palm was comforting to the Norwegian boy. "Okay. I'll try. Just get better, all right? I'm sure you'll be home in no time." He never said the words _I'll miss you, _but they seemed to hang in the air. Emil stood up and with another awkward nod he was gone, his fading footsteps the only sign he had been there. Lukas sat silently for a moment, the emptiness of the ward tangible, before scrambling and grabbing his bag, rooting around inside of it and pulling out his smartphone. It was a rarely used Christmas present from his mother- as he had little need to call anyone- but as Lukas settled back against the pillows, he was grateful he had it. It made searching his illness online _so _much easier.

As he scrolled through the pages, pointer finger poised over the screen, his frown deepened. Much of it was what the doctor had spouted before- the failure of his ventricles to pump blood, causing his heart to stop sending blood throughout his body, in a sense- but it was the treatment that stirred his attention. Most websites- if all- stated that medication was being used less and less as time went on, and in its place-

Surgery. Implanted pacemakers. ICDs.

Sickened at the thought, Lukas quietly slipped his phone into the cabinet beside his bed and settled down, now trying to calm both his heart and his new fears. He had to get through this. He had to survive. He was only eighteen- Emil was only sixteen- he couldn't let go of his life, or leave Emil alone. Their mother wouldn't be able to cope. He was more of a parent to Emil- however much his brother protested, he _had _to look after him.

He would be in hospital for God knows how long, but he was going to make it through it.

* * *

**This is the first Norway fic I've ever written, ahh. I hope I've kept him in character. In no way am I medically trained, so I'm using the internet to research cardiac arrhythmia and hopefully keep my information reliable. As I know it's a serious illness, I won't keep things fluffy and cute for entertainment value. I want to portray it in realistic way, so if I've made any mistakes, I'd really like you to let me know.**

**Thanks for reading! Denmark should make an appearance soon enough.**

**-sascake**


	2. chance interruptions

**chance interruptions**

* * *

The hospital food tasted like shit.

After listlessly pushing the contents of the plate around- the fake meat, cardboard vegetables and bland dessert- Lukas gave up, tossing his fork down with a sigh. He wasn't even hungry to begin with; just another perk of being ill, with all his body's attention focused on his heart. His gaze slid down to the plastic cup of water, and to the small container of pills resting beside it. Until further notice, the doctors had decided that the best course of action was to dope him up on medication until they decided what to do with him. The first time he'd taken them his heart _had _slowed down in his frantic beats... for a few hours, anyway, during most of which Lukas had slept. The heart medication was probably laced with sleeping powder in an effort to keep the patients quiet, or just to stop nurses from having to attend to his conscious needs.

It was an understatement to say that Lukas disliked taking medicine.

Three days in hospital, and he was already bored out of his mind. He was the only one on the four-bed ward- _what was all that fuss about hospitals being overcrowded, it was as quiet as a church in here- _though he doubted that he'd make the effort to talk to anyone else if they'd been here too. His days were a mixture of drawing, reading, sleeping, check ups, and being told over and over again _'that his case would be sorted soon, just as soon as the waiting list was cut down!' _If he was here for much longer, the Norwegian was going to go mad.

Emil's visits were a temporary reprieve and relief, but it didn't stop the bitter taste in his mouth at the absence of their mother. Nevertheless, he filled the void by demanding information from his brother; leaving Emil to insist that yes, he was eating well, yes, he was getting enough sleep and _yes, _he was keeping himself out of trouble. Once he even managed to sneak Mr. Puffin in under his coat, and the two brothers watched the bird walking around Lukas' feet and squawking with dull amusement, until both Emil and Mr. Puffin were thrown out twenty minutes later a horrified nurse. It was concerning, that he'd let himself get so devoid of entertainment that he was resigned to watching a noisy bird for fun.

Giving a heavy sigh, Lukas scooped up the pills and threw them into his mouth, downing the water in one gulp and setting back against the pillows. There really _was _nothing to do but sleep, at least not until he could get a new pencil in replacement of the one he snapped in a fit of temper, or until Emil brought him some more books. As his eyes slid shut- _the damn pills obviously working well- _he had the depressing thought that this would probably be his day in, day out activities for the next few months.

If the worst came to the worst, Emil could always train as a first aider and look after him at home. At the very worst.

After a few hours of a peaceful, dreamless sleep, Lukas felt the unexpected sensation of a finger prodding at his cheek, apparently in an attempt to wake him up.

"Hey, you still alive? I don't think you're breathing..."

Lukas slid one eye open, the intention of maiming the intruder clear in his mind. As his eyes focused to the bright light he was suddenly aware of a stranger kneeling on his bed, legs either side of his waist and practically _straddling _him, with their finger poised to poke him again with an air of curiosity.

The Norseman's first move was to seize his forgotten dinner tray and smack the stranger around the head.

"Ow- _hey, _what the hell!" With a cry of pain his assailant ended up crumpled on the floor, hands clutching his head. "That _hurt! _You didn't have to hit me; I was just checking you were still alive!" The man glanced up, and Lukas caught sight of pouting lips and wide, hurt blue eyes. He stared down at the blond man, confusion swimming through his mind.

"Who the hell are you?"

What greeted his eyes was a long, muscular figure with an obvious air of cockiness about him, set off by his opalescent complexion and gravity-defying blond hair. A smooth face that was, at the moment, grinning at him as if he had not a care in the world. The boy- he couldn't be any older than Lukas himself- scrambled to his feet, thrusting a hand out for the Norwegian to shake. "Mathias Køhler. I'm in the bed beside you. Good to meet ya!" Lukas kept his arms glued to his eyes and with his smile sliding from his face, Mathias reluctantly retracted his hand. "I've been here for _hours, _and you've been asleep for the entire time! I was worried you'd died or something."

"Fatigue tends to happen when you're unwell." Still groggy from sleep and the drugs, Lukas didn't intend on entertaining this idiot. Now he could see him properly, the blond- Mathias, apparently- was also wearing a hospital gown, the familiar patient bracelet strapped around his wrist. What he said about also being treated appeared to be true, though he seemed to have pulled out his IV. "What do you want?"

"To talk to you, of course." Tone still cheerful, Mathias knelt on the cold floor beside his bed, chin propped up on his elbows. "It gets boring when you're stuck in here. You're the first person I've seen around my age- what are you, seventeen?"

"Eighteen." Lukas frowned, subconsciously inching up straighter. "What do you mean? Have you been here before?" The boy certainly looked at ease; he probably shouldn't have even been out of bed.

"This is my seventh time. Yeah, seriously; it gets _really _boring. I've got Cardiomegaly- an enlarged heart, basically. I was born with it, but it didn't get diagnosed 'till I was like two, three? It's okay most of the time- I just have to take medication and I don't really notice it." Mathias shrugged airily, mouth widening to a grin. How he spoke so easily about being ill, Lukas had no idea. "Then my breathing gets bad, or I get palpitations, and I have to come back in here. I get more medication, sometimes work on my valves, and they ship me home. It ain't so bad, 'cause it isn't a severe case. You?"

"An irregular heart. I've been here for three days, and I might have surgery or a pacemaker. I don't know yet- they aren't really telling me anything." Mathias pulled a face at his words, looking sympathetic.

"Rough. They never give me a straight answer either. Surgery is no fun but whatever, the nurses are hot!" Mathias laughed uproariously at his own words, appearing to miss- or ignore- Lukas' unamused expression. The Norwegian was vaguely interested in how he managed to stay so upbeat if he was a frequent visitor to the hospital, even if he tried to downplay his illness. "Hey, I don't even know your name. Lemme guess, from your accent, I'd say... uh... Jorgens?" He beamed at the suggestion, even as Lukas rolled his eyes.

"Lukas. Lukas Nilsen. I'm Norwegian."

"I'm Danish- that makes us practically neighbours! So, you'll be here for a while then? Are your heart problems bad?" At Mathias' question, Lukas felt all his defensive barriers go up. He didn't want to talk about how ill he was in front of this childish young man, even if he himself was suffering from heart problems. It was humiliating enough that he was stuck here, unable to breathe or escape or _live _and leaving Emil alone at home without a carer. Lukas was doing his usual tactic of burying his head in the sand, and talking to Mathias meant facing up to being ill. These thoughts tumbling in his mind, Lukas chose to keep his words and tone firm.

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't know how long I'm going to be here, either, and if you don't mind, I'm going to try and get to sleep again. My brother's going to come visit later, and I don't want to be tired for when he's here."

"Hey, my cousin's coming over too! You know you've been sleeping for hours already, right. But whatever." Despite his disappointed tone, Mathias obediently stood up and ambled over to his own bed which was, to Lukas' exasperation, only two meters away from his own. "You're cute; I can't complain. Sweet dreams!" By the time the blond fully digested the Dane's words and opened his mouth to complain indignantly, Mathias was already in his bed, earphones jammed in and his nose buried in a book. Lukas could just about make out the title- _Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales_, of all things- before he settled back with a sigh, pulling a pillow over his head.

What did that boy mean, _cute?_

* * *

A few hours later, Mathias was happily chattering away to his two visitors while Lukas remained alone, nails digging into his palm as he clutched his phone with his free hand. Emil was late. His text- _be ther soon, E- _had done nothing to stem his inner frustration, or half-hearted hope that their mother would be coming with him.

He felt exposed, sitting here so obviously alone despite the curtain around his bed blocking him from view, with the conversation of Mathias' friends drifting over. Or one of them, at least; the other remained quiet, save for the occasional grunt or comment. Head bowed and willing Emil to arrive, Lukas could pick up bits and pieces of their conversation thanks to the raised voices.

"_Seventh _time? Why aren't you an honoured patient now?" The tone was sympathetic, and Lukas imagined the visitor leaning over and patting Mathias' arm. "I can't see why they can't just fix you once and for all, instead of you coming here time and time again. It's not fair for you!"

"Ah, Tino, it isn't that simple. They're not going to give me a heart transplant- there's not enough of them, and I wouldn't take one when I don't really even _need _one. Look at me, I'm fighting fit most of the time! Just look at my muscles, come on-" A probable pose from Mathias, and a laugh from Tino. "I'm fine, really. You've just got to get used to it."

"That's so commendable, thinking of the positives like that! Right, Berwald?" The other man- Berwald, apparently- made a non-committal noise, Mathias giving a snort of his own.

"Like _Berwald's _going to praise me about it. But besides- did you bring the licorice?"

"Of course I did. It's practically tradition now, right?" There came a rustling and a whoop of delight, apparently of Mathias receiving said licorice. "Just hide it from the nurses, okay? You're terrible at hiding places."

"Shut up, Tee, that was _one _time. But hey, hey, guys, guess what? There's another guy here my age! Unbelievable or what? But he's right over there!" Mathias' was full of pride and with a sinking sensation, Lukas imagined him pointing to the curtain separating them. Oh, no. Please, _no. _

"You're not annoying someone, are you, Mathias?" Tino's tone was disapproving and for a moment, the Norseman relaxed. Surely now he was let off the hook. His hopes were dashed when, not a second later, the curtain was yanked back and he was presented with the image of three blond men, two grinning and the other still frowning. The shortest one- Tino, he presumed- still looked somewhat shy while the other- Berwald- was a towering giant, eyes cold behind his glasses. Lukas' attention was pulled from the intimidating sight as Tino began babbling again, voice rushed with sudden nerves.

"Hello! I'm sorry if we're interrupting you, but there's _never _anyone young here! Usually Mathias is surrounded by a bunch of eighty year olds, and believe me, it's us he always complains to. My name's Tino Väinämöinen, and this is Berwald Oxenstierna; we're friends of Mathias, but you've probably guessed that already." Berwald gave the slightest incline of his head at Tino's introduction while Tino beamed beside him. Lukas nodded slowly, still taken aback by the abrupt greeting. He made a mental note to hit Mathias whenever he could for the interruption, even if his friends seemed to be decent enough.

"I'm Lukas Nilsen. Nice to meet you." He didn't continue from his monotonous words, and Tino's smile slipped a fraction of an inch, clearly surprised by his lack of a proper response. It was at that moment that the doors to the ward swung open and Emil came stumbling in, identified by the click of his favoured white boots.

"I'm really sorry, Lukas, I was-" Emil's words were cut off as he caught sight of the other figures in the room, rooting to his position and blinking owlishly at them. "Oh. Hello." The Icelandic boy was shy around strangers- much like Lukas himself- and seemed unnerved by the three standing before him, hands tightening on the bag in his hands. Lukas beckoned him over, ignoring the curious looks of Mathias and his visitors, and Emil gratefully hurried to his side.

"So, this is your little bro? Is he ___lateee-__" _The Dane was cut off with a gasp as Berwald elbowed him sharply in the ribs, and Lukas reluctantly nodded, reaching out to grasp Emil's sleeve. His brother seemed smaller, somehow, without the noisy presence of Mr. Puffin, and Lukas immediately felt his protective instinct stirred up as he reluctantly turned to the other three men.

"This is my brother, Emil. Emil, this is Mathias-" he wondered if anyone heard him speak the boy's name through gritted teeth "-and his friends, Tino and Berwald. Mathias is in the bed beside me." Emil nodded briefly while Tino waved and Lukas gripped Emil's sleeve again as his brother sat down beside him on the bed, voice dropping to an undertone. "How have you been? Has everything been okay? Is... is Mom coming?" His vain, irrational hope faded as Emil looked down to the floor, unable to meet his gaze.

"I'm sorry, Lukas. She said she was busy, and that she'd try and make it soon..." He trailed off, their mother's distant behaviour obvious to them both. Lukas's eyes stung and he lowered his head, biting his lip in an attempt to keep his composure while Emil looked on in a worried fashion. He would _not _cry, and _especially _not in front of Emil. Why the hell would he, for the selfish mother that clearly didn't care? "Lukas? Are you okay?" He looked up at his brother, faint lines creased around Emil's violet eyes, and conjured up a weak smile.

"Don't worry about me. Now, have you been eating properly? Don't just tell me you've been living off the sweets at home, or I _will _discharge myself."

"No, no, don't do that!" Emil interrupted hastily, seemingly missing Lukas's sarcasm. "I've been fine- I've had dinner with Leon's family a few times this week, and I've been looking for recipes out of your old book. I _can _look after myself, you know."

"Hmm. Well. As long as you eat something other than Chinese. And I can't help it, I _have _to worry about you and make sure you're okay. Who else is?" Lukas had a suspicion that Mathias, and no doubt Tino and Berwald, may have been listening in, but ignored the thought. His attention was focused on Emil, and Emil alone. The chances to see him were sparse, and he seized whatever oppourtunity he could get. "What's been happening with you?"

The Icelandic boy shrugged delicately, as if unsure of what to say. "Nothing, really. Pops said to tell you that he's been keeping an eye on me, so you, um, 'don't have to freak out like a little bitch'. His words, not mine, I swear." Lukas scowled at the message. Emil was fond of their Turkish neighbour Sadık- who he seemed to have adopted as somewhat of a surrogate father in the absence of his own- but the same friendship didn't extend to Lukas, who could have listed dozens of people he'd prefer to have looking out for Emil. "And Norge and Icey are okay. That's about it."

The two lapsed into a comfortable sort of silence again as behind them, the other men resumed their conversation. Lukas was perfectly happy at the lack of words between them, satisfied with Emil just being there. All too soon, Tino checked his watch and announced that they would have to leave, and Emil unwillingly rose to his feet. "I guess I have to go, too, before they throw me out. I have some homework to do, but I'd stay-"

"No. I understand. Don't get behind on your work because of me, all right? How many times do I have to tell you?" Emil managed a small smile at his words, and Lukas waved him away. "Go on, get out of here. Keep yourself safe, and do _not_ let Sadık take you to any bars."

"I won't. Promise. See you later, Lukas." The Norwegian raised a thin hand as Emil left reluctantly, soon followed by Tino and Berwald.

"It was nice to meet you!" Tino said cheerfully as they passed, waving to him. "Try not to let Mathias wind you up- he's a good guy, really, he just hides it under a lot of layers. Bye!" Lukas nodded briefly to them, and the door to their ward slammed shut with a bang. Lukas settled back against the pillows but a sudden gasp from beside him had him scrambling to a sitting position, head whipping around to his left. Mathias appeared in his range of vision, grinning sheepishly and gripping his arm, a book pressed into his side.

"Sorry. Pulled my IV- you kind of have to take it out slowly and hang it up, or else you start bleeding everywhere and it leaks all over the floor. Trust me, I know." Despite Lukas' noise of protest, Mathias perched himself on the end of his bed, mouth stretched in a wide smile. "It makes the nurses mad, but I hate being hooked to that thing-"

"What do you want?" Lukas said abruptly, cutting the Dane off mid-rant. Mathias blinked at him for a moment, taken aback and his expression one of hurt. A moment later and he was grinning again, diminishing Lukas' sudden guilty feeling. Slightly.

"To talk to you, of course. Tino seems to like you already. Berwald- well, I don't know what the guy thinks!" Giving a loud laugh, Mathias shook his head wonderingly. "Your brother was pretty quiet. Was your mother supposed to come or something? Did she bail on you?"

"Shut up," the Norwegian snapped, taking them both by surprise. "Don't act as if you care. What do you really want?" The hurt look returned to Mathias' face, but he abruptly shook his head with an unreadable expression present.

"I told you. I wanted to get to know you, because you seemed like a nice guy when you were talking to your brother. We could all see how much you care about him. But if you don't-" He broke off, reaching under his arm and tossing the book onto the bed. "Well. I thought you'd like to read this. I'll leave you alone now. You know, you're lucky that there's even a chance your mother would visit you." With a strained, hesitant smile Mathias stood, retreating silently to his own bed and throwing himself down face first, grappling for his IV line.

Lukas stared after him, almost regretting his words. He hadn't intended to upset the Dane, if he had- to distract himself from his unwelcome guilt Lukas glanced down at the book, eyebrows pulled together in a frown.

_Hans Christian Andersen's Fairy Tales. _The book Mathias had been so engrossed in when he first arrived. Lukas felt another twist of embarrassment in his stomach but spoke up suddenly, jerking Mathias out of his search for his earphones.

"Thank you, Mathias. I appreciate it. Try talking to me when I'm not drugged up, or not on the topic of my family, and I'll try to give you a polite response then."

Mathias stared at him for a few moments, bemused. Then, his face broke into a wide smile.

* * *

**Once again, I'm not a doctor, but I'm trying to be as accurate as possible with the medical side here (as well as keeping them all in character). A family member of mine has an enlarged heart. It's not fun or lighthearted. Also, it's _really_ not a good idea to take out your IV, but if you really insist on doing it, _do not yank it out like they do in movies._**

**Thank you so much for the response to the first chapter! Everyone who is following or put this in your favourites, please try to leave a review letting me know what you think~**

**-sascake**


	3. the purpose of morality

**the purpose of morality**

* * *

"What's your favourite movie?"

"_The Wildest Dream_."

"The one where the guy tries to climb Everest and dies on the way? Dude,_ lameee_."

"Don't be disrespectful; it's a true story." Lukas scowled, Mathias' clueless nature irritating him. "And he might actually have reached the top, and only died in an accident on the way down. We'll never know. That's the point of the film."

"Still, he_ did_ die." Mathias reclined back against the headboard, arms crossed behind him. "Kind of a pointless plot if you think about it. I prefer action movies, or ones that make sense in the end."

"_Transformers_ made absolutely no sense, Mathias."

A week had passed, and Lukas had- at first, regrettably- gotten to know Mathias better. The Dane seemed almost too enthusiastic to talk to him, and was taken aback when Lukas asked him why. His only excuse seemed to be that he was happy to have another teenager on the ward to talk to, and he thankfully didn't mention his initial calling Lukas cute. From what Mathias had gathered, neither of his parents were around, and he instead lived with Berwald- his cousin- and Tino- who Berwald appeared to be in some sort of relationship with- twenty minutes away from his own home.

"I can't believe we've never met each other before!" Mathias had been swinging his legs from the end of his bed, attitude carefree as always. "We live so close, and I'd definitely never forget your face!" He continued, ignoring Lukas's frown with his own wolfish grin. "You can ice skate, right? When we get out of here we should go down to the rink together, and I could buy you dinner after-"

Needless to say, Mathias' bizarre half-friendly, half-flirting attempts were often ignored. However, the Dane seemed to determined to gain information in return from Lukas and had been asking him about his favourite televisions shows, films, bands- and, of course, finding faults in each one. He may have been irritating, but there was something about the blond that kept Lukas from pushing him away entirely; his strange, honest desire to actually become _friends_ with the Norwegian.

"So, what I was saying is, that we should go see a movie or something when we get out of here." Mathias stretched lazily, cat-like in his motions as he yawned. "Berwald and Tino could come, but they'd be all sickening sweethearts- you could ask your little bro to come, if you wanted." The blond had become particularly fond of Emil after the boy offered him liquorice, much to Lukas' annoyance. "Unless he's dating someone. Is he?"

"I don't know. He's been spending a lot of time with that Leon boy- or Li Xiao, whatever Chinese name he has- and I can't supervise him from in here." Lukas' grimace made his displeasure clear, and it only deepened when Mathias let out a guffaw. His chest tightened uncomfortably, the beats of his heart seemingly speeding up as he pressed a hand to his chest. "What's so funny about that?" He settled back against his pillows as he spoke, trying to control his breathing.

"You're so overprotective of him! The little guy's sixteen; you can't look after him forever. Let him have fun with his boyfriend, or whatever the guy is." The Dane's arms were languidly crossed behind his head. "Don't scare him into staying with you forever. Hey, you should try and get a boyfriend, to take your mind off of things." Mathias looked over, beaming at Lukas. "How does that sound, huh? Good idea or what?"

Lukas didn't reply.

Mathias frowned, shifting into a sitting position. "Yo, Lukas. Sorry if I pissed you off- you know I was only joking, right?" Even as he spoke his eyes were roving over the platinum blond's prone figure. His movements seemed to have ground to a halt, and his eyes were closed- Lukas was pale, but surely not _that_ pale, right?

As the realisation hit him, the Danish boy scrambled out of his bed and to Lukas' side. He shook the Norwegian's shoulder roughly, his tone dropped to a serious one. "Lukas, are you all right? Come on man, don't fall asleep on me-" The joke died in his throat as the hazy eyes remained closed, Lukas' lips tinged with blue. Before his words could catch up Mathias's hand was already slamming repeatedly on the button for a nurse. The heart monitor gave a wail, the green line now fully horizontal, even as Mathias' voice rose in pitch. "Lukas, wake up. Wake up- come on, look at me, _look at me_-" He raised his head at the appearance of a harried looking nurse, blue eyes wide with fear. "Help him- he isn't breathing, or waking up, his heart monitor's gone- help him, _please!_"

Later, Mathias would shrug off the comments about being a hero, seemingly humbled by Lukas flatlining on the monitor before his eyes. After being shoved out of the way by multiple doctors and forced to return to his own bed, he didn't see the Norwegian until later that night when the Norseman was returned to their ward half-asleep in a wheelchair, having been resuscitated by defibrillator elsewhere. There was silence between the two- Mathias waiting to see if Lukas was actually awake, or in the mood to speak- until Lukas broke it, his voice low and unsteady.

"Thank you."

"For saving your life?" Glancing over at him, Mathias' grin lacked his usual gusto. "Any time, my friend." His cheerful tone masked his eyes running over Lukas' frame- he was sure that the other boy had lost weight in the short time that they'd known each other, and he looked positively gaunt with his protruding cheekbones and rimmed eyes. He also appeared to be shivering, even under the layers of coverings, and Mathias' sympathy was triggered. "What exactly happened? You've been gone for hours."

"They were doing some check-ups." Lukas shrugged, coughing slightly with the effort. "The doctors were worried, because my heart just _stopped_ again. I'm going to have new medication, or something done- I'll find out tomorrow, maybe. It probably means that I'm going to be in here for longer." The bitterness was clear in his tone as he avoided Mathias' concerned gaze. "But it's obvious I'm not getting any better."

"That sucks. Really, I know how you feel- really, I do!" he added earnestly at Lukas' narrowed eyes. "I've been in here a lot. I haven't flatlined, but it's been bad anyway." At his words the Norwegian lowered his gaze, fingers of one hand digging into the risk of the other.

"I'm sorry. I'm just... angry. I'm really angry, and I'm tired, and... I want to go home." Lukas' voice had dropped to a pained whisper, more like a child than a young adult. "I just want to go home. I want to see Emil. I want to be better."

"Lukas..."

"I'm sorry," Lukas repeated, giving another cough. "You should get to sleep. It's getting late. Goodnight, Mathias." The platinum blond rolled over in his bed, curling into himself and sighing. Mathias watched him for a moment longer, wanting to speak yet holding himself back. Then he mirrored Lukas' sigh, pulling the covers over his own head.

"Night, Lukas. Sleep well." There was silence, broken only by Lukas giving a quiet, almost missable nod.

* * *

The next morning, Mathias was shamelessly listening in on Lukas' conversation with the doctor. If the Norwegian had realised, he was ignoring him; his attention was focused on his doctor, without a glance sent in the Dane's way. From what Mathias could pick up, things weren't looking good. It was just a pity that he had been asleep when the conversation had started, and had only grasped a half-idea of what was happening.

"We're confident that this will go well, and that it should work. In some cases the procedure doesn't, but I'm quite sure that everything will go smoothly for you, Mr. Nilsen." God, the doctor's voice was so _boring. _While there was something strangely appealing about Lukas' almost-constant monotone, all the medical jargon that the doctor had come out with had passed cleanly over his blond head.

"You're _quite _sure?" Lukas sounded unimpressed and Mathias grinned to himself. He couldn't have sounded less amused with the situation, and he could hardly blame him. "Let's just live in hope that I won't die in surgery." Mathias' smile widened as the doctor grew flustered, clearly unused to dealing with such a patient.

"Of course. We've scheduled it for tomorrow- the sooner, the better, considering your condition. Tomorrow morning, ten sharp. It'd be best if you rested for today." At Lukas' weak nod the doctor nodded himself, turning on his heel. "All the best, Mr. Nilsen."

"Thank you." Lukas spoke even as the door to their ward slammed shut, head lowered and eyes pressed shut. Mathas wasted no time in reaching, yet again, to take out his IV, but froze when Lukas spoke up in a dry voice. "You're not planning on yanking that out again, are you? I don't think you really want to leave here, with all the times you're_ not_ hooked up to that."

"I've told you, you don't yank it out! It's more of a smooth wiggle." Regardless of Lukas' words, the Dane's IV was soon out of his arm with him sitting cross-legged on the Norwegian's bed. Lukas raised his eyebrows, knees drawn up to his chest to allow Mathias space on the end of his bed. Mathias simply shrugged, full of innocence. "You should try it. I actually feel awake with it out!"

"Yes, well, you're probably going to have to stay in longer, because of all the times you've had it out." Mathias blinked, taken aback at the small smile on the Norse man's face. "I want to leave as soon as I can, so I'm going to keep mine in, thanks."

"And this surgery tomorrow will help you leave sooner, right?" Mathias said softly, watching Lukas' face. The other boy's cheeks flushed and his gaze slid away, but he gave a short, terse nod. The Dane sat back, chewing on his lip. "What exactly is going to happen?"

"A procedure called ablation therapy. They're going to put a few catheters through my blood vessels to my heart, and they're cooled to freeze the damaged tissues. It works only _part _of the time, apparently, but if it does, I'll be able to get out of here." Lukas glanced up at the ceiling, hands clasped on his lap. "I'll be able to go home."

"That's good, right?" Mathias said eagerly, hands resting on his knees. "You've kept talking about how you want to go home! You're lucky; I have no idea when I'll be able to go home, and the food in here is _terrible. _Look at me, I'm wasting away- there's almost nothing left of me, when I get out of here I'm seriously going to have to hit the gym-"

"You always seem to prioritise the most important things. Have you heard anything about your treatment?" Lukas' monotonous voice held a tone of interest as he leaned forwards- abet subconciously- towards Mathias. The Dane could only shrug helplessly and grin.

"Nothing much. They're more worried about you, Arthurmy Boy!"

"It's called Arrhythmia, Mathias."

"That's what I said." Mathias pushed a hand through his hair, pulling a face. "I should ask Berwald to bring me in some hair gel. My supply is running low, and how am I supposed to look gorgeous without my hair styled?"

"You look fine. Stop being so vain." Lukas shook his head in mock despair as Mathias beamed.

"So you're saying I look gorgeous whatever my hair is like? Oh Lukas, you're so kind- but you're not so bad yourself-"

"Shut up, Køhler. Is there anything you particularly want?"

"As usual, I wanna talk." Mathias sat back with a grin, eyes still locked on Lukas' face. "Ever had a significant other? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? One night stand? I bet you have a hidden wild side, Nilsen!"

"I don't think so. Definitely not. Make your next question something decent, because I'm starting to think you're clinically insane. Are you?"

"I'll keep you posted with regular updates. When's your birthday? When is Emil's? How old is he? Are you really brothers? The kid's hair is so damn _white,_ and yours is more silvery-blond, I guess."

"My birthday is May seventeenth. His is June eighth. He's sixteen. We're half brothers; same mother, different father. Mine is Norwegian, his is Icelandic. They both aren't around, and our mother works a lot, so it's just us." Lukas' eyebrows pulled together in a frown at his words. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I usually don't tell _anyone, _let alone idiots like you."

"Hey, I'm a smart, intelligent individual!" Mathias stuck his tongue out at the blond, but smirked all the same. "You can't resist my charming personality, that's all. Well, my parents aren't around either. My dad never was, but- well, anyway, at least you've got a little brother. I'd love one. I'd be an awesome big brother! You two are lucky to have each other." Lukas smiled slightly at his words, and at the Dane's honest tone.

"Yeah. We are. What happened to-?" He was cut off at the swinging of the ward doors, and a gasp from the arrived nurse. Mathias glanced up, grinning sheepishly as if he knew what was coming.

"Mr. Køhler, what are you _doing? _Where's your IV? You can't keep taking it out yourself!" She seemed horrified at his behaviour, and at his nonchalant shrug.

"Talking to Lukas; he livens things up in here. I don't want to stay hooked up to that thing twenty-four seven, but whatever." Giving a dramatic sigh, he clambered off of the bed in the direction of his own, saluting to Lukas. "Talk to you later, bro. Keep doing what you're doing."

"I'm not doing anything, Mathias," the Norwegian deadpanned, one pale eyebrow arched in confusion.

"Exactly. Just you keep that heart beating!"

* * *

Later that night, Lukas was curled into himself under his duvet, trying to keep his breathing even and steady. Part of his aching chest had to do with his illness, and the other part pure nerves. He'd be having surgery tomorrow. Heart surgery. It was going to be dangerous, whatever the doctor said. What if he didn't improve, or he died during the operation? He could actually _die _tomorrow. What would happen then? And Emil- he couldn't just leave Emil. He was all that his brother had.

It wasn't like the Norwegian boy to have such nerves. He scrunched his eyes more tightly together, trying to will himself to sleep. His shaking wasn't helping; his body just felt so much _colder _since he became unwell, the layers of shirts and sheets not helping his case. At this rate, he wouldn't sleep the whole night. Surprisingly, Mathias wasn't snoring, which was the usual cause for Lukas being kept awake. Lukas crossed his arms over his chest, hugging himself in an effort to warm up. Had someone turned down the heating? It _couldn't_ be so cold-

"Hey, Lukas. You awake?" The hiss had Lukas sitting up, alert and blinking blearily at the patient beside him. So this was the cause of Mathias' strange silence. The Dane was propped up on his elbow, watching him with a concerned gaze. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No," Lukas said quietly, pulling the duvet around himself, "I was already awake. It's fine. What do you want?" His tone was notably softer than how he usually spoke to the blond, in contrast to his sharper tone. Maybe it was the simple _care _present on Mathias' sharp features.

"I wanted to see if you were all right. What with tomorrow and all. How are you holding up?" The Dane's tone was sympathetic, and Lukas gave a helpless shrug. The pang in his chest wasn't just from the arrhythmia.

"I'm nervous, I guess. I can't sleep at all. I'm going to have surgery, and- and-"

"And what?" Mathias' voice was almost a whisper now.

"It could go wrong," Lukas muttered, biting his lip and staring Mathias in the eye. "I could die. I'm not worried about me- more about Emil. I could leave him behind, and I'm the only one looking out for him. I'm supposed to be there for him, and I just keep thinking it over, and- _God, _if I could just sleep it might actually put my mind at rest!" Burying his hands in his hair he exhaled deeply, caught up in his own misery. It wasn't until a creak came from beside him, and a hand curved around his arm that he started, staring up at Mathias' figure in the gloom. "What are you doing?"

"Move over." The Dane's tone was commanding, and Lukas felt confused at what on _earth _he wanted. "Just do it, Lukas." After debating for a moment, the Norwegian slowly shifted over, and the mattress dipped down as Mathias slipped in beside him.

"What are you _doing?_"

"Sleeping with you. If you can't get to sleep- and Lukas, you're freezing- then I'm going to help you," Mathias said firmly, readjusting the pillows. "Look at me- I'm burning up. It'll help, I promise, someone being beside you."

"You're just going to keep me awake, you idiot. Do you have any idea of personal space?"

"Lukas. Just trust me on this one, all right?" Lukas was tempted to strangle the blond, but something held him back. Maybe it was the Dane's act of care, or the hands gripping his arms securely. He seemed to genuinely want to help him, despite the odd gesture. "Let me help you get to sleep."

There was silence, and then the Norwegian gave the briefest of nods. Mathias gave a sigh of relief, pulling the duvet tighter around them with an arm wrapped around him. Lukas found his face pressed into the junction between the Dane's neck and shoulder and, hesitantly, hooked an arm around his waist with the other pressed between their chests. The blond had both arms wrapped around Lukas, face buried in his pale hair. Lukas disliked physical contact- even with Emil- and under normal circumstances would have fought Mathias off. But the Dane's touch was chaste, despite their strange embrace, and the heat radiating from Mathias was comforting. Lukas sighed heavily, eyes slipping shut with his cheek against the Dane's neck.

It took a surprisingly short time for Lukas to fall into a peaceful sleep, lulled by Mathias' breathing and soft, supportive hold.

* * *

**Thirty-three people follow this fanfiction. _Please _leave a review on this chapter if you're one of those people, because I'd really like to know how you feel. It takes no time at all, and it puts my mind at ease if people are enjoying this. ****Thank you to the people that have reviewed so far, I appreciate it so much.**

**I wasn't planning on publishing this today, but I had to take my mind away from My Chemical Romance, thus writing this chapter. Thanks, everyone.****  
**

**-sascake**


	4. silent lullaby

**silent lullaby**

* * *

Limbs stiff and mind still foggy with sleep, Lukas was momentarily thrown when he awoke to find himself in someone else's arms, pressed against a broad chest with soft breaths tickling the back of his neck. Blinking the sleep from his eyes and lifting a hand to his head, he glanced up and was met with Mathias' still slumbering face.

He couldn't say it was the nicest sight to be presented with first thing in the morning- the Dane slept with his mouth hanging open and let out the occasional soft snore- but the platinum blond was more interested in the heat radiating from his bed mate. It still had to be early, judging from the dim light, and how else would no one have noticed two people in one bed? He pushed these thoughts from his mind as he curled closer to Mathias, slipping his arms around the Dane's middle again. Mathias sighed in his sleep, tightening his arms around Lukas unconsciously, and the Norwegian rolled his eyes. He should have guessed that Mathias would be clingy- but there was always later to push the other man away. Right now, he'd grudgingly admit that being held in the blond's arms and sharing his warmth was fairly pleasant.

Three hours later, the two were awoken by the shriek of one of the morning nurse, causing Mathias to jump and bang his head on the bed post. As his language slipped into Danish in frustration, his curses almost drowned out the nurse.

"What on earth are you _doing, _Mathias? Don't tell me you two slept together- your _IV! _You need to keep it in, how many times have I told you?" She seemed more concerned with Mathias' missing IV than the two sharing a bed, and Lukas blinked blearily in the sudden light. The Danish man sighed heavily, still beside Lukas and trying to look as innocent as possible.

"Sorry, Valerie. We were just having a little insomnia and what do you know, I get into Lukas' bed and we both sleep! I don't need that thing anyway. Can I have breakfast now?" Both Lukas and the nurse blinked at Mathias' abrupt change of topic, and the Norwegian elbowed him half-heartedly in the ribs.

"You can go back to your own bed, idiot. This hardly supports two people, and it's a miracle you haven't pulled _my _IV out already. Go on, go." Mathias pouted at his abruptness but, to Lukas' horror, reached over to run a calloused hand down his face with a wide smile. Before the Norwegian could lash out Mathias had tumbled out of his bed, righting himself almost immediately and sauntering over to his own with an obvious swagger.

"Aw, come on, Lukas. That was the best night's sleep you've had in ages, right? You don't have to deny it!" Mathias crowed, obediently extending an arm and let the nurse reattach his IV, his attention still focused on Lukas with his usual wide grin. "I know it's just hard admitting it to someone _this _handsome-"

"Thank you."

"Huh?" The Dane was taken aback at Lukas' mutter, mouth almost comically slack. "Thanks for what?"

"Thank you for helping me get to sleep," Lukas repeated, cheeks flushing against his will. He didn't want to give Mathias the satisfaction of having helped him out. "I appreciate it. It was nice of you. It was a good night's sleep. You're very handsome. Anything else you want to hear?"

"You think I'm handsome?!" Mathias bounced in his bed, tone radiant. "Aww _Luke, _you're so kind! And I knew you couldn't resist my looks for long! Wait till you see my abs, man, _then _you'll know what's handsome-"

"There's a little thing called lying, Mathias," Lukas deadpanned, shaking his head in despair. "You should really learn that."

"Yes, but you _weren't _lying, were you? You're attracted to me, right? I can't blame you!" Mathias' smile threatened to split his face with delight. Lukas didn't bother to respond, instead reaching out for the book of fairy tales and occupying himself with it.

"Leave him alone now, Mathias." The nurse was bustling around, now checking Lukas' various wires and monitors. "It's a big day for Lukas. You're going to have to stay calm for the operation later, dear."

At her words, both boys froze in their separate beds. Jerked back to reality, Mathias swallowed heavily and glanced over at Lukas. The Norwegian boy was quite still, fingers gripping the book in an iron hold. Slowly, with an air of deliberate care, he replaced the book on the bedside cabinet and slid down, pulling the covers over his head and burying his face in the pillows. The Dane watched him, unsure of what exactly to do. He opted with dropping his voice, almost whispering to the Norseman. "Lukas-"

"Leave me alone, Mathias." Anyone could have picked up on the ice in Lukas' voice, figure still hidden under his sheets. It was clear that he didn't want disturbed, and the previous closeness shared with Mathias had vanished. "Just leave me alone. I don't want to entertain you, all right?"

Mathias stared at him for a fraction of a second, eyebrows knitted together in a frown. Finally he sat back with a sigh, not bothering to respond to the Norwegian's terse words. They could simply be reflecting his fear at the upcoming operation, and not an abrupt aversion to him. At least, that's what he told himself.

Silence stretched out between the two as the nurse quietly left, leaving them quite alone in the ward. The Dane glanced at the large clock on the back wall, running a hand through his tousled hair. 8:17. Around an hour and a half before Lukas' surgery. The surgery that, just last night, he had been breaking down over.

The one that he could die from.

Despite the protests from his subconscious, Mathias didn't attempt to speak to him again. Lukas remained huddled under the blankets- not, as the Dane suspected, sulking or crying. He was speaking quietly to the voice mail on the other end of the phone, words muffled as he left a message for Emil. His brother would have left for school already, and now was the opportune moment, when he could speak without interruption and let out exactly what he had to say.

_Hey, Emil. It's me. I know you won't get this until you're home, but... well. I just wanted you to have a message from me. I'm going to have surgery later- you'll have heard how it went by the time you got home, so don't worry about it. It's supposed to go well, the doctor says. If it does, I can come home again. But if it doesn't... that's why I'm phoning. _

_I... I just want you to know that I love you, all right? I know I don't say it a lot. But I do. Just... take care of yourself. Sadık is an asshole, but make sure he looks after you. He won't mind. Make sure Norge and Icey are fed. Make sure Mom comes home once in a while. I know, I sound like I'm expecting to die or something. But I couldn't go into a surgery without letting you know. Take care, little bro. I love you._

Lukas grimaced as he ended the call, drawing his hands to his chest with the phone clutched between them. In a few hours he could phone again and leave a new message telling Emil that everything was fine. The message was melodramatic, and probably unnecessary. It would only make Emil worry if he heard it later, or was still in the house for whatever reason.

But he had to leave it. Just in case.

The next time that Mathias and Lukas spoke was when the latter was in wheelchair, hands gripping the armrests as the nurse worked at his IV.

"_Hej. _Lukas." The Norwegian glanced up as he was addressed, meeting Mathias' gaze. The other man looked uncharacteristically serious, one hand playing with the hem of his sleeve. Mathias took a deep, steadying breath before continuing. "You're going to be all right, ya hear? This is going to go by just fine. You don't need to worry."

Lukas watched him for a few moments, forehead creased. Was he irritated? Confused? Mathias never found out, for the Norwegian smoothed his features a moment later into his usual blank expression, giving him a terse nod. "Thank you. I hope so."

"You should trust me. I know these things." Mathias grinned, and was delighted when Lukas replied with his own, smaller smile. "You'll be back here in a few hours and insulting me like nothing's happened. Except you'll be better, so you go into this surgery and make _sure _you make it your bitch, hear me?"

"Loud and clear," Lukas said dryly, but seemed to accept his words. "I'll try. Don't..." He broke off, seemingly struggling for something to say. "You're not that bad, Mathias. Not in small doses. Thanks for- well. Thanks." The other man's expression softened at his words, and he nodded slowly.

"You're welcome. I'll see you later Lukas, yeah?" His reply was a faint smile and a weak hand raised in farewell as Lukas was wheeled away. Mathias scrambled to the edge of his bed, watching him until he was out of sight- the small, thin figure in the wheelchair, shoulders squared in a determined effort to appear in control. The doors swung shut behind him and slowly, Mathias sat back in bed, exhaling deeply. He had to keep _himself _calm, whatever he had said to Lukas before. The other man would be fine. He had to be.

Lukas' first thought was that the operating theatre was cold. It probably had to be, given the impending operation, but his mind was choosing to focus on trivial facts instead of giving in to his fear. As he lay back on the table, hands clenching and unclenching out of fists, doctors and nurses alike bustled around him, getting everything ready for his surgery. He was the lone, still figure in a crowd, quietly observing their goings on as they prepared to cut him open.

A few moments later the business had ebbed away and the main doctor loomed over him, face covered and voice muffled with his facial mask. "Ready, Lukas?" He barely waited for the Norwegian's slight nod before continuing. "This is a fairly complex surgery, but it's really nothing that hasn't been performed a hundred or so times. This'll last a few hours, but you'll be under anaesthesia throughout. Just try to keep calm."

A gas mask was looped over his head, and Lukas raised his chin to allow it to fit over his mouth. He felt the sweet gas enter his lungs as he inhaled, slowly seeping into his bloodstream. His head swam as he blinked sleepily, feelings his eyelids getting heavier with every passing moment.

Lukas' last waking sight was seeing the doctor picking up a scalpel from the tray offered by the nurse and leaning over him, pressing the point into his chest and slowly drawing a large, crimson gash through the flesh.

* * *

"Is he all right?" The voice was hushed, one of clear concern, and one also filled with morbid curiosity. "I don't think he's breathing. _Is_ he breathing? He's very pale. Peter, honey, get off the bed."

"Why does Uncle Mathias get to sit on the bed?" an unfamiliar voice whined, that of a young child. "I'm smaller than he is, and _he's _sitting on the bed!" Someone else laughed uproariously at his words, and the first voice sighed sadly.

"Because Uncle Mathias is sick, and he doesn't pay attention to rules. Come on, off you get."

"Stop it, both of you. You're practically drooling on him," came another, more familiar voice, the edge razor sharp. "Give him some space. He's not going to look his best after a four-hour operation, is he? He just needs peace and quiet."

"Kid's right." The third voice was gruff, a deep baritone from an undoubtedly huge man. "Let 'im breathe, T'no, Peter. Step b'ck, Mathias." There came a grumbling, and the sound of someone wrenching their arm from another's grip. The bed creaked as someone shifted on it, readjusting their weight on the thin frame.

"I'm not _hurting _him. Calm the hell down, Berwald, I'm just looking at him."

"And sitting on his bed. And petting his face," came the third, quieter voice- Emil. "If he was awake, he'd kill you with his bare hands. Then he'd feed your remains to our cats."

"You're a cheerful little guy, aren't you?" Mathias mocked, rolling his eyes and huffing. "I'm just concerned, all right? I thought he was going to die. He acted like he was. Is he usually this dramatic?"

"It's not dramatic to worry about dying during an operation. It's quite normal, actually," Tino reasoned, tone thoughtful. "But at least it went well. That's good, right? He'll be able to go home soon?"

"The doctor said he'd be kept in for observation." Emil swallowed suddenly, reaching up to tug at a strand of hair worriedly. "They don't know if they sorted out all the bad tissue in his heart. But he's okay now. That's what matters. I came home from school for lunch, and he left me a voice mail just in case he died. He's going to go nuts if he wakes up and finds me here."

"He won't, if you've come to see how he is." The Finnish man patted Emil's shoulder comfortingly, several centimetres shorter than the teenager. "It's just looking out for him. It was very sweet of you; Peter wanted to see Mathias, so we got here and found him sitting by his bedside, so we just stayed for the party!"

"What were you doing, Mathias?" Emil's voice was suspicious, and Mathias laughed at his expression, riling the Icelandic boy.

"Reading my book, actually. I lent it to him he better be enjoying it, it's great! And looking at him, occasionally. It would suck if he died suddenly, so I guessed that he needed someone to check on him. And now we're all here! Hey, Peter, do you want to see the scar on my chest again?"

"Oh _yeah! _Lemme see, Uncle Mathias!" Peter sounded delighted, until the shake of Berwald's head had him whining. "Aww, _Papa! _No fair, it's so cool!"

"It's h'rrible. Yer too young."

"Too young? He's five now, Ber," Mathias scoffed, clearly unimpressed with his cousin. "By the time I was his age, I was a bona fide drinker-"

"Somehow, I didn't expect anything less. Come here, Peter." The boy obediently let himself be picked up by the Finnish man, snuggling into his chest as Tino patted his hair. "We've got to be quiet, all right? Lukas is very sick, so we have to let him rest."

"Who is he, anyway?" Peter chirped, staring at the prone figure curiously. "I thought we were here to see Uncle Mathias. Is he your friend, Uncle Mathias?"

"Well, I guess you could say that, but I-" Mathias' smug voice was cut off by a groan, and they all jumped at the sound. Under the hesitant gaze of the five figures Lukas blinked slowly, struggling to sit up once aware of his surroundings. Emil's hands were on him almost immediately, helping to shift him into a comfortable position in the bed while mindful of the various tubes and wires. Lukas raised his eyebrows at the party sitting around him, still groggy from sleep.

"What are you all doing here?" His voice was slurred, and he frowned in distaste at his speech. Emil patted his arm awkwardly, ignoring their usual no-touching mantra.

"Coming to see if you were all right." Emil's voice was quiet, the relief easy to distinguish. "You were in surgery for four hours. Everything seems to have gone okay." Lukas didn't question his words, instead nodding slowly. He seemed half-unaware of what was going on- Emil quickly put it down to the drugs still in his system, otherwise his brother would have probably ordered them all to leave. "How are you feeling?"

"...Sore. My chest hurts." The Norwegian gingerly reached a hand to his chest, feeling along the line of bandages with his fingers trailing over the newest wires. "My heart still feels fast."

At his words, an uneasy look passed between the others. Emil slid his hand down his brother's arm, briefly clasping his wrist and placing two fingers over the pulse. As Mathias leaned forwards to ruffle Lukas' hair, the other boy weakly trying to fight him off, Emil could feel the blood drain from his face as he felt his pulse.

It was as frantic as it had been before.

"Hey, Mister! Are you Uncle Mathias' friend?" Peter waved to Lukas from Tino's arms, catching the patient's attention. "He didn't really explain it well, but I've never met you before, but Mama and Papa stopped here when we went to see Uncle Mathias and I guess they know you, so who are you?"

Lukas stared at the boy, utterly confused. "I'm Lukas Nilsen. I tolerate your uncle. Who are you?"

"My son," Berwald cut over them, holding his arms out for Tino to pass the child to him. "Gonna take him out. C'mon, Pet'r, Ah'll take you to the park." The Swedish man took his hand and led him out, as Mathias turned to face Lukas with a grin again.

"You gave me a scare, princess. Four hours I was waiting! But you'll be getting better after this, right? The doctor told me you'll be kept in for observation well, I kind of listened in, he didn't tell me _directly, _but whatever. You're gonna be okay!" The Dane practically bounced on the bed, until Emil leaned over and pushed him off. "Hey, _ouch! _That _hurt!"  
__  
_"Leave my brother alone," was all Emil said, frowning down at Mathias. "Don't crush his legs right after he's had surgery."

Mathias climbed to his feet, eyebrows raised at Emil's tone. The Icelandic boy's hand was still wrapped around his brother's wrist, tone guarded and wary. He sounded almost... _afraid. _The Dane shrugged it off, trying to ignore his own worried thoughts as he climbed back on to Lukas' bed. "Do you want me to sleep with you again? _Can_ I sleep with you? It was pretty damn fun-"

"Leave me alone." Lukas cut Mathias off mid-tirade, eyes slipping shut again. "I'm tired. Let me sleep."

"Dude, you've been sleeping long enough." Mathias sighed, reaching over to stroke Lukas' hair. At the blue eyes cracking open to glare at him, Mathias slowly retracted his hand and held it to his chest. "Sorry. I'll try it again when you're in a better mood." Emil rolled his eyes at the Dane, standing up on Lukas' other side.

"I'm going to get a drink. Do you want anything?" Lukas shook his head and Emil smiled vacantly, wandering off in the direction of a vending machine. Tino soon followed, a guilty smile present. "I'll be right back- I'm just going to see where Berwald and Peter got to. See you later Mathias, Lukas." With the four visitors gone the ward was quiet again, and Mathias turned to Lukas again.

"You really alright, Luke?" The blond's voice was hushed, and Lukas gave a small snort of dismissal.

"I've just gotten out of heart surgery where my chest was cut open. I'm hurting, thanks." A moment later, his voice softened and he shook his head slightly. "Sorry. It's just sore. Thank you for asking though. At least I survived." His corners of his lips quirked up in a half-smile, and Mathias laughed softly beside him.

"It's fine; I know you can be moody sometimes. I'm just glad you're okay." Face still holding its strange, faint smile, Mathias moved closer to Lukas and slowly lent over him. Lukas froze, hands curling into fists in his bed sheets and eyes filled with alarm roving over Mathias' face. Lips an inch away from Lukas' forehead, the Dane hesitated suddenly, biting his lip and moving back with a sigh. Lukas' eyes were tightly closed, breathing shallow as Mathias sat back, hands clasped and hanging loosely between his legs with his gaze focused on the ground.

"You should try and get some sleep. You'll feel better when you wake up."

"Yeah. Maybe." Lukas' voice was a whisper, and to Mathias' amazement, the other boy reached out with a shaking hand to take a loose hold on his arm. "Stay here. Until Emil gets back. Stay beside me."

A harsh voice in Mathias' mind told him that it was simply Lukas' fear that was talking, his reluctance to be left alone in the absence of his brother. His head was probably still addled by drugs, or he was really unaware of what he was saying. The Dane ignored it as he placed his hand over the Norwegian's, gripping it as tightly as he dared with a sad, tense smile.

"Course I will. Sleep well, Lukas. I'll be here when you wake up." Lukas sighed, hand slipping down from his arm to the bed sheets as his mind succumbed to sleep. Mathias reached down to take his hand again, fingertips running gently over his palm.

He had meant it. He had meant every word he said to Lukas.

All he knew was that he couldn't lose him.

* * *

**Thanks so much for the response to the last chapter, guys. Please keep it up! Especially those of you who follow this but don't leave a review- it really doesn't help me since I want to hear feedback on the chapters, and it really takes no time. _Please_ try and leave a review after you read this.**

**In other news, I'm actually going to university in Denmark. I'm going to miss Britain, but at least I'm not going for a while yet! And I'm going to be cosplaying Fem!Iceland at a convention in June- my aunt is a dressmaker, so I can trust her to make me a (hopefully comfortable) outfit.**

**Thanks again guys.**

**-sascake**


	5. interlude: moments before dawn

**interlude: moments before dawn**

* * *

_Tino_

**four years ago**

Mister Oxenstierna, for all extents and purposes, appeared to have the ideal life. Twenty years old and a prominent figure in his family's furnishing empire, the man appeared eternally composed and sure of things. His lack of expressions and grim appearance _seemed _threatening, but surely he had to have a good heart hidden deep within him.

At least, that's what Tino thought. The sloppily dressed man before him with the hidden panic in his eyes and wailing baby in his arms begged to differ.

"Please. Just need you to watch him for a few hours." Tino looked from his employer to the baby, swallowing heavily. He was an eighteen year old in his first desk job, still living with his mother and a man who cried at old episodes of _The Moomins. _He wasn't prepared to suddenly look after a baby in a moment's notice. The Swede's voice broke him out of his inner turmoil, and Tino hesitantly looked back up at him. "Wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate. Ah've got a meeting, and his sitter cancelled last minute. Can't find any'ne else. It's only f'r a few hours, and ah'll pay you for it."

"You don't need to pay me for it," Tino said slowly, eyes now focused on the baby Mister Oxenstierna was frantically rocking. The little blond-haired boy would have looked sweet, if he hadn't have been crying so fitfully. Feeling sympathy for both the boy and his apparent guardian, Tino held his arms out with some reluctance. "I'll take him. What's his name?"

With a look of obvious relief that was quickly quashed, Mister Oxenstierna carefully passed the child to him. "Pet'r. He's my son; he's eight months. Been colicky the past few days, but he's getting better. Ah've got all his things here." He set the baby carrier filled with supplies on Tino's desk, standing back and running a hand through his hair. "Thank you, Tino. I owe yeh a favour." He was distracted by Tino holding Peter in front of him, now beaming at the child.

"Hey, what are all these tears about? I'm not scary, am I?" Peter blinked at Tino in open curiosity and the Finnish man smiled encouragingly at him. He'd no idea Mister Oxenstierna was in a relationship, let alone had children. It must have been a high school relationship, though there was an absence of any wedding ring on his finger. "My name's Tino, and believe me, I didn't expect to look after a baby when I first woke up this morning. It would really help if you behaved for me; I don't think your father is going to let me off all of my work." He looked up at Berwald, smiling tentatively. "You can leave them with me. He'll be fine, Mister Oxenstierna."

"Ah'll be back in a few hours. Thanks, Tino." With a last relieved look and stroke of Peter's head the Swede hurried out, and Tino was left holding the baby. Literally. He sighed, adjusting Peter in the crook of his left arm, so his right hand was free to hold a pen and continue with his work. The baby grasped at his fingers, tiny hands curling around his thumb, and the Finn couldn't help but smile. He was too kind, that was his problem- usually his generosity stopped at taking the odd puppy off the streets, not looking after his boss' son for free. Hopefully this would all go smoothly, and Mister Oxenstierna would come to collect his son in a peaceful environment.

Things didn't go _quite _as smoothly as he'd hoped, but when Mister Oxenstierna returned Peter was changed, fed and asleep. He didn't show it, but Tino could tell that the man was relieved that he hadn't stumbled upon a scene of destruction. "How was he?" It took the Finnish man a moment to work past the strong accent, but he grinned up at the Swedish man. Somehow, seeing him holding his son with such care was enough proof that Mister Oxenstierna really _was _a kind man, even if tried to hide it.

"He's a lovely boy. He was no bother, really." His boss nodded along with his words, and Tino suspected that he could pick up on his own relief. Everything had gone relatively well, despite the fact he was only used to looking after Hanatamago-

"C'n you look after him again?" The Swede's words shocked Tino out of his self-satisfied gaze, and he stared, speechless, at him. Mister Oxenstierna shrugged, mindful of the sleeping baby in his arms. "It'd be better if someone I knew looked after him. Not during work hours- Ah'm just busy with late nights a lot. He's only got me."

Tino would _not _have said that he knew the Swedish man well. They shared the occasional lift together in uncomfortable silence, sometimes got coffee at the same time and had short conversations from time to time. Evidently though, his boss had the impression that they were well acquainted. Well, the man _did _give him a job. Despite himself, Tino felt his heartstrings pulled at the half-hopeful words. _He was all Peter had? _He spoke up at this, voice timid. "Is Peter's mother unable to look after him?" He knew he was probably being intrusive, his fears confirmed when Mister Oxenstierna's mouth tightened slightly, giving a short jerk of his head.

"We're not together. Made a deal to give me full custody if she had him. Signed him over an hour after he was born- haven't seen her since."

"I'm so sorry." Tino's face creased with genuine pity, now regretting asking the question. Poor Peter, without a mother to look after him- and his poor father, having to look after him on his own; the Finnish man sighed sadly, mind now set. "Sure. Of course I'll look after him. How often would it be?" Mister Oxenstierna didn't react to his agreement, but Tino imagined that he was probably crying internal tears of joy. Maybe.

"Just a few nights a week, at my house. He goes to daycare, but I have to hire a sitter at nights. Is it alr'ght?"

"It's fine, Mister Oxenstierna." He could always earn a little extra money that way. And, of course, he'd been kicked in the feelings with the story of the Swedish man's ex-girlfriend. He needed to stop being so caring- but it wasn't necessarily a _bad _thing-

"Thanks, T'no. I'll call when I have to." With a last nod, Mister Oxenstierna picked up the bag of baby supplies and headed to the door. "Oh. Call me Berwald." Tino blinked, and hesitantly mustered up a smile as the Swede left, bag and briefcase slung on one arm and his son in the other. The Finn huffed, sitting back down in his chair and slamming his forehead on the heavy desk.

What was he _doing, _offering to look after his boss' son? Going on a mad do-gooders thought, he told himself sternly. Well. He supposed things wouldn't be too bad, even if Mister- _Berwald- _had offered him the job so unexpectedly. But the poor man seemed desperate, so young and with a little boy to look after. How could he say no, even if it was a hasty decision made, and Berwald himself admittedly quite terrifying?

...young, successful men with small children didn't _usually _turn out to be serial killers who lured unwitting victims to their homes, did they?

Tino prayed for his own safety that night.

* * *

Thankfully, Berwald turned out to be a perfectly innocent man, whose only goal was to look after his son. Tino found it adorable that, despite his stern demeanour, the Swedish man clearly adored Peter, and vice versa. Peter was a sweet boy, if excitable and hard to settle, and seemed to attach himself to Tino almost immediately. His nights babysitting- usually three or four nights a week- usually ended with them both asleep, Peter curled into his chest after Tino fell asleep reading him a bedtime story.

Tino soon discovered that if it was a Friday night Berwald wouldn't wake him up, instead letting him sleep throughout the night at his house with a blanket wrapped around him. The first few times had the Finnish man incredibly embarrassed- _who falls asleep babysitting their boss' son?- _but he had gradually accepted that the Swedish man was, indeed, kind at heart. He still blushed when he woke up on Saturday mornings to fresh coffee made by Berwald, though. If anything, the blond man thought it vaguely amusing, and Peter seemed delighted at the prospect of him spending more time with them.

The first time that Berwald asked him to stay for dinner, Tino was incredibly flustered and was half inclined to turn his offer down. Having dinner with his boss was something else- or was he reading into things too much? However, his mind was quickly changed by the smell of fish cooking from the kitchen. Tino staying for dinner soon became a regular occurrence, though Berwald was usually silent with his opinion the times Tino offered to cook. Sure, the Finn cooked strange dishes, but they _were _delicious even if he said so himself. After all, the Swedish man did seem to have an easy time clearing his plate.

Berwald was a softer man than he'd expected. He wasn't a man of many words and rarely displayed emotion, but there was always a glimpse of a smile when he played with Peter. Once, he'd even laughed when Peter relayed the story of an eventful stay at daycare at one particular dinner- his son had turned into quite the motor mouth when he finally grasped the concept of speech at eleven months old. His first word had been _Papa, _and Tino could swear that he'd never seen such delight in a person other than Berwald at that moment.

"Scares people sometimes," he'd said one night, reaching into Peter's crib to stroke the boy's cheek with a deliberate care as Tino leaned against the door frame, watching him fondly. "Think it's strange Ah don't usually react to things. Makes them think there's somethin' wrong with me, like Ah don't have emotions." He'd been cut off when Tino approached him to take hold of his arm, patting his hand and forcing the Swede to look at him.

"There's nothing wrong with you." Tino's voice had been quiet, violet eyes focused on Berwald's own. "Some people don't understand. You don't have to physically express emotions to show that you have any. You're a wonderful father to Peter, and anyone should be able to see that. You're a great friend to me. You're a good man, Berwald- don't let anyone convince you otherwise."

His words, spoken with true sincerity, had Berwald studying his face, apparent fascinated at the determination written over his features. Then the corners of his lip quirked in a tiny smile, and he bowed his head. Tino understood him enough to know that he was grateful, and his own smile mirrored Berwald's.

A short time later, they were both shocked- and Tino indignant- at Peter's new term of affection for the Finnish man, one he refused to stop using no matter how many times Tino begged.

"I'm not your Mama, Peter. Please stop calling me that." While Berwald had simply left him to it, reasoning that his son would soon stop if given no attention, Tino had resorted to bribery. Peter was nearly two, and despite the large bag of liquorice and other candies provided by his babysitter, resolutely stuck to his new nickname. Tino _did _love the boy, but his patience was tested with Peter's refusal to give in to his bribery.

"But if you aren't my Mama," Peter had said stubbornly, arms crossed in an oh-so adorable impression of his father, "who is?" It was here that Tino had nearly cried for the motherless boy, and later grudgingly accepted the nickname. He _was _the other primary adult in the boy's life, the other being his father, so it made some sense that he'd given him the term.

However, Tino did questioned the boy's logic of addressing him, a _male, _with a traditionally feminine role. He supposed that it couldn't be taken as a direct insult to his masculinity, Peter being as young as he was. Hopefully it would be something he grew out of it, though for some reason he gloomily doubted the odds of this happening.

Berwald just seemed amused by the whole situation, and Tino suspected that the Swede was probably encouraging Peter when he wasn't around for his own entertainment.

It was a month later that Berwald asked him out to dinner. Peter had been grinning and giggling for days and wouldn't answer Tino's curious questions as to his good nature, so he should have expected something like this to happen. The man had struggled with what to say, accent becoming even more unintelligible in his frustration and embarrassment, until Tino stepped in and took his hand, smiling tentatively up at the man. He barely reached the man's shoulder, but that was forgotten as violet eyes met blue.

"I'd love to go on a date with you, Berwald. Thank you." He tried to hide his laughter at seeing the mingled relief and delight in Berwald's eyes, the Swedish man's hand tight around his. They went out for dinner that night, and to Tino's surprise, Berwald kissed him when they were finished. His lips were surprisingly soft and his touch even softer, fingers hesitant upon Tino's face. He _did _have to bend down, and Tino balance on the tips of his toes to reach each other, but he _really _wasn't complaining. That night, in his own home, Tino had laid in bed, hugging a pillow to his chest and trying to tame the smile threatening to split his face.

After that, they settled into some sort of routine. Peter usually came along with them on their 'dates', and before long, Hanatamago did too. There wasn't much they could do with both a young child and a small dog but neither complained when they usually ended up at the park, Peter chasing Hanatamago about while Tino and Berwald watched from one of the benches. Their conversations were usually just the Finnish man talking and the Swede listening in silence, but it was nice all the same. While they were dating, Tino had gotten a new job as a receptionist to the local sauna. The pay wasn't quite as good but the hours were more agreeable with his looking after Peter, and it had been _awkward _dating his boss.

"Gonna miss ya," Berwald had said suddenly one night, when they were both lying in bed together. The Swedish man was running his hand along Tino's waist and the curve of his hip, and the smaller man wriggled uncomfortably at his actions. It wasn't that he didn't like Berwald's caress- he was embarrassed at himself, at his feminine waist and full hips he wanted rid of.

"You'll still see me here, silly. We hardly saw each other in work anyway." He inched sideways, away from Berwald. The other man propped himself up on his elbow, looking confused at Tino's actions. His glasses were off, meaning that he might just have been searching for Tino with his bad eyesight, but he seemed perturbed as to why the Finnish man was nearly falling off the bed with his proximity to the edge.

"What's wr'ng? D'you need m're space?"

"No, it's just..." Tino flushed, irritated at himself, while Berwald patiently waited for an answer. "...I've been putting on weight. Probably need to cut down on the liquorice ice cream or something." Cheeks burning with humiliation, he was interrupted when Berwald pulled him into a deep kiss, one hand cupping his face and the other freely stroking along his torso.

"Y're beautiful," he said quietly when the separated, both struggling to catch their breath. "Don't worry 'bout things like that. Y're beautiful to me." Tino had blinked, stunned at his words, and at the soft smile gracing Berwald's features. He buried his face into the Swede's chest, arms wrapped around him while Berwald stroked back his hair.

Tino had never expected that he would actually be in a relationship with the man, let alone fall in love with him. But how could he resist? Berwald Oxenstierna was outwardly stoic but inwardly the most loving man that he'd ever met. Whatever his boyfriend said, _he _was the one lucky to have the Swede.

* * *

_Berwald_

**two years ago**

Several months later, the Finnish man had been running around his kitchen when the phone rang, toast jammed in his mouth and Hanatamago barking at his ankles. He answered it to find Berwald on the other end, and Tino was surprised at the carefully controlled and cold tone of voice the Swedish man used.**  
**

"T'no, I need you to watch Pet'r for me t'morrow. Is that all right?" Tino frowned at his tone, leaning down to shake the can of dog food into Hanatamago's bowl.

"Of course. What's wrong?" Oh God, please don't be planning a break up. He hadn't heard the Swede's voice so somber in months, if at all. But why did he need him to look after Peter, if he was going to break up with him-?

"H've to go to a funeral."

"Oh Berwald, I'm so sorry." Tino stood, hand moving to cover his mouth. This he hadn't expected, and scolded himself for jumping to conclusions. "Is it... anyone close? A family member?" He suspected Peter's birth mother, maybe, judging by Berwald's attitude. He'd never met the woman, was incredulous as to why she'd refuse to see a boy as lovely as Peter, but didn't wish _death _on her.

"My aunt." Berwald's voice betrayed no emotion, while on the other end, Tino's kind nature was taking a beating. What an awful thing to happen to Berwald, who didn't appear to be close to many members of his family!

"I'm so sorry, Berwald-"

"Don't be. Killed herself." Tino froze, eyes wide. Berwald sounded unexpectedly cold, and... angry? There must be more to the story that the Finnish man didn't know. "T'ld my cousin that she was going grocery shopping, an' left her purse at home. Took her car an' drove over the suspension bridge. P'lice searched the river last night an' found her." Tino swallowed, feeling bile rise in his throat.

"That's terrible. Of course I'll take care of Peter. Do you want me to come over?" Berwald wouldn't have revealed it, but Tino knew that Swede would be hurting right now. There a silence on the other end, then a sigh.

"Yes."

Tino was at his house twenty minutes later, Hanatamago on a leash looped around his arm. After letting the dog run to Peter, it only took one look at Berwald's stiff, ashen face for Tino to wrap his arms around him and hug him tightly.

Berwald attended the funeral the next day, while Tino stayed at his home and read to Peter from his collection of _The Moomins. _When he returned, Berwald said nothing about the funeral, and the topic was untouched for two weeks. Then, unexpectedly, Berwald brought it up again during dinner, while Tino was wiping Peter's mouth and half concentrating on the Swede's words.

"Didn't tell you why my aunt died." He was careful to use _died, _rather than _killed herself_, around three-year-old Peter. Tino glanced up, a mixture of curiosity and unease on his features. "Y'know it was deliberate."

"Yes." The Finnish man busied himself with cutting his fish into miniscule particles, eyes uncertain on Berwald's. "Do you know why?"

"Police guessed. Her son's been ill all his life, and she couldn't cope anym're. He was being admitted into h'spital again, and she just gave up. Thought it'd be good f'r him if she wasn't around." Despite his tone being hushed, mindful of Peter, Berwald sounded furious. Tino paled, thumbnail digging into his palm.

"That's so sad. But what about her son? How is he?"

"Devastated. Thinks it's his fault." Berwald's hand curled into a fist as he tried to control his temper. "He's getting bett'r. He has a normal life; he isn't even in h'spital a lot, he plays sports, he's _happy- _now he blames hims'lf for her." Tino could pick up on the upset hidden behind Berwald's anger, and his hand curled around the Swede's.

"There must have been something else, that caused her to do that. Poor woman- and her son, too. What's wrong with him?"

"Enlarg'd heart. It's not serious- just gets palp'tations sometimes, an' has to stay in h'spital. Found out when he was a kid, an' his dad left when he heard. Didn't want to deal w'th a sick child. He's sixteen, nearly sev'nteen. Name's Mathias." Berwald paused while Tino took in the information. "He's not well enough to take care of h'mself, an' he's not legal age. Needs some'ne around in case his heart starts actin' up."

"Oh, _no." _Tino seemed close to tears, and Berwald stared at him in alarm. "That's just not fair! He doesn't deserve that- what's going to happen to him?" A new idea formed in his head, and he leaned closer to the Swede, tone beseeching. "You should ask him to move in here! He's going to go into care otherwise, right? And you have the spare bedroom- Berwald, I know this is sudden, but it's just so unfair for him!" He was taken aback by Berwald's small, guilty smile.

"Was gonna ask him to m've in. We're cousins- least I c'n do. Was gonna ask you what you thought, but you already suggest'd it."

"You-" Tino wasn't quite sure what to say in response, but felt a weight taken off his shoulders. He didn't even know Berwald's cousin, this Mathias boy, but felt pity for him all the same. At least they were on the same wavelength. "You're a kind man, Berwald."

"You've told me that before." Regardless of Peter's shriek, Berwald leaned forwards to press a kiss to Tino's lips.

Mathias moved in a week later. From what Berwald had said, Mathias was a cheerful, talkative type of character, but the young man carrying in the boxes filled with all his possessions begged to differ. The Danish boy looked haunted, and his smile did nothing to hide his pale complexion and deadened eyes. Here was a teenager whose mother had killed herself because of _his _illness, and his grief was plain to see.

"Thanks for this, Berwald," he'd said quietly, setting the last of the boxes in the spare bedroom- his bedroom now, Tino supposed. Berwald had only inclined his head and disappeared downstairs, leaving Mathias and Tino alone together. Mathias turned to Tino, giving an odd smile. "So you're Berwald's boyfriend? I'd say that he's told me all about you, but he doesn't talk about anything much."

"He never does. But yes, I am. It's nice to meet you, Mathias." What was he supposed to say to Mathias? He liked the boy already, that was for sure, but he had no idea what to say to him. The boy had just lost his mother and blamed himself, how was he supposed to say something that wouldn't upset him? He was saved by the sound of running footsteps and the arrival of Peter, the young boy skidding into the room and giddy with excitement.

"Uncle Mathias!" Technically the two were first cousins once removed, but as Mathias was so delighted with the moniker, no one attempted to correct him. Peter had loved Mathias from almost the first moment he stepped through the door. "Can you come play with me outside?" Tino have expected Mathias to refuse but the Dane simply grinned, stepping to the door and ruffling Peter's hair, demeanor completely switched around.

"Course I will, little guy. Hey, you should see me playing baseball, I'm brilliant!" The teenager crouched down, and Peter squealed when Mathias pulled him into a piggyback. "See you later, Tino; I just gotta show my nephew who is _the _coolest uncle."

Mathias settled in well, and his attitude slowly improved to one more positive. Soon, he was cheerful and upbeat- more like the boy Berwald knew, the seventeen-year-old both Tino and Peter had grown to love. Berwald's feelings were less clear, but at least he tolerated Mathias living in his home. The Danish boy's heart problems were minor, if anything, and he seemed unperturbed by the cocktail of drugs he was required to take every morning.

He wasn't entirely healed, however. Occasionally there was the sound of muffled sobs from his room at night, out of sight of anyone else. Berwald had the impression that Mathias was determined to show no sign of weakness to any of them. None of them knew how to approach him- or what to say. After all, neither he nor Tino were struggling with feelings of guilt, under the impression that their health had driven away their fathers and caused their mothers to kill themselves. All the Swede thought to do was let Mathias come to speak to them in his own time.

Tino's ideas were slightly different, sitting down in the kitchen one late afternoon. Mathias had been drying the dishes but had stopped suddenly to stare, sightlessly, out of the window. Tino watched Mathias' prone figure, the tears sliding down his face, and had risen to his feet. He'd hesitantly hugged him from behind, his forehead pressed to his back. The Dane turned with a shaky smile, moving his arm back to ruffle Tino's pale hair.

"What's this for?

"You looked like you needed a hug." Tino's voice was muffled, and Mathias smiled sadly at his words. Maybe the Dane had been under the impression that he was able to hide his depression from them all. Maybe he thought that they just didn't want to know.

"Berwald and Peter are lucky to have you, you know. You're a great guy, Tino. Things are better, now you're here. I mean, they've hardly had easy lives..."

"Have any of you had easy lives?"

Mathias could give him no reply. A moment later he twisted around to return Tino's hug, burying his face in the smaller man's neck as sobs wracked his lanky frame.

He had tried to hide his pain, before it had gotten too hard to contain. All Tino could do was hold him as he cried and hope that in some way, just _being there _for Mathias would help him.

There wasn't much else he could hope to do.

* * *

_Emil_

**one year ago**

"So is there, like, anything to do around here?"

"My timetable says I have Mister Clark first period. You're in my class, right? What's he like?"

"Are you deaf, or just ignoring me?" This time the boy stepped in his path, waving a hand in front of his face. Emil stopped, staring at him, and the boy took it as some sort of victory. "Now I've got your attention, will you actually talk to me? I don't know where I'm supposed to go." Emil nodded vacantly, reaching to take the timetable the boy offered.

"Your day is the same as mine. It's Math first period- Mister Clark is okay, I suppose. I'll show you where your classes are, if you want." He'd been grabbed when he first walked in with Lukas this morning and dragged to the office, where he'd been asked- or rather, forced- to show the new transfer student around.

"Cool." The boy followed close to his heels, now pulling his phone out and beginning to text. "So what's your name?"

"Uh..." Emil glanced around at the numbered doors, searching for their class. "Emil Stielsson." Despite himself, he blushed when the boy raised his eyebrows. "My dad was from Iceland. It's weird, I know-"

"No, I like it." He'd gone back to his texting, eyes focused on the screen even as he spoke. "My name's Li Xiao. Or Leon. Call me Leon." He saw Emil's confused expression and cracked a wan smile. "My mum's Chinese, my dad's English. I've got a name for both."

That explained things. When he first saw the boy, standing in the entrance hall with his siblings, Emil had noticed the slight difference in facial appearance from the rest of them. Actually, they all looked fairly dissimilar from each other. "What about your siblings?" If he'd counted correctly, Leon appeared to be one of four children. Thank God he only had Lukas.

"Nope. We've all got different dads." Leon frowned in thought, tucking away his phone for a moment to count on his fingers. "Yao's is Chinese, Kiku's Japanese, Yong Soo's is Korean, Kasem's Thai... Mei's is from Taiwan, Lien's Vietnam, and mine's from England. Yeah, there's seven of us. Our mum got around a lot. We like to joke that our family has most of South-Eastern Asia in it."

"Oh. My brother and I have different fathers, too. His is Norwegian." Really, Emil had no idea why he was telling Leon this- he rarely spoke about his personal life to anyone. He couldn't, however, deny that there was something strangely likeable about the other boy. "Our mother isn't the child-raising kind, and she probably thinks having two kids was more than enough."

"Bit different from mine then. I don't think she knew when to stop." Leon suddenly grinned, even as they approached the door to their class. "Hey, wait for me at the end of class so I know where to go."

"Um. Okay." Emil had accepted that Leon was probably going to abandon him for other, 'cooler' people as soon as they reached class, but it seemed not. "We're got Geography after. That's kind of boring, so you can just use your phone in class..."

"My kind of thing. Thanks, Emil."

"You're welcome, Leon."

To Emil's surprise, they soon became friends.

Emil usually shared everything with Lukas, willingly or not. His older brother was under the impression that he knew him inside and out, and that he was aware of everything that happened in Emil's life. Lukas simply expected it, because they were so close to one another, and presumed that Emil would inform him of anything that happened to him.

He had no idea Emil was keeping secrets from him. The Icelandic boy hadn't set out to do it, of course. But for once, it was nice to have something that was _his, _and not something shared with Lukas. Or rather, someone.

Leon had been over at their home several months after they'd first met, and they had been sitting in Emil's room studying for a class test. His mother hadn't been home, as usual, and Lukas was staying late at school for some coursework or other. Emil had asked Leon to pass him the textbook, and instead of handing it to him, Leon leant over and unexpectedly kissed him.

"What was that for?" he said, stunned, when Leon pulled back. The other boy raised his thick eyebrows coolly, clearly having expected a better reaction.

"I just felt like kissing you. What's wrong?" Emil has struggled with something to say. Leon's complete serenity hadn't helped matters.

"I ask you for my book, and you _kiss _me? You can't do that, Leon! You can't just kiss someone all of a sudden!"

"But you enjoyed it." Leon seemed utterly confused with his reaction, and at the blush flaring across Emil's face.

"Yes, well. You should have asked me first!"

Leon considered this for a moment. "Then can I please kiss you, Emil?"

"...yes."

He hadn't expected Leon to have such a shit-eating grin as in the moment he reconnected to their lips again.

Neither of them mentioned anything about a relationship; it was something that just seemed to happen gradually, and before either of them knew it, they _were _in one. Of course, most of their time together was in school- in their shared classes, at lunchtimes, at the library after school, but Emil couldn't complain. He had someone close to, he could confide in, who was his age and actually _understood him. _

He wasn't sure if Leon's brothers and sisters had guessed that they were dating, or if Leon had told him; the other boy simply hadn't brought it up. The one thing he did know was that Lukas certainly hadn't guessed, and he had no intention of telling him any time soon.

He wasn't quite sure of his reasoning. For now, he wanted to keep Leon to himself. He didn't want Lukas to know this detail of his life. His brother seemed suspicious- making excuses to be in the room when Leon was over, asking Emil everything that happened if he ever went out for the day with him, just little things that made Emil all the more determined to hide his relationship from Lukas.

Maybe he didn't want to break it to Lukas that he was a teenager now, that he didn't need his brother in his life pouring over every detail. It would hurt him so much, he was so used to being Emil's guardian- yet despite his feelings of guilt, the Icelandic boy couldn't quite bring himself to let Lukas know what was going on.

"So you're going to the cinema with Leon?" his brother would ask, suspicion dusting the edge of his tone, and Emil would nod, trying to keep his features innocent.

"Yeah, just for a couple of hours. It's nice, to actually have a friend. A proper one. You know what I mean."

He'd feel guilty then, because Lukas _didn't _know what it was like to have friends. He, like Emil, was a loner but he, unlike Emil, didn't have a Leon in his life. All his brother could do was slowly nod, and turn away as Emil left the room in a hurry.

At the time, it had seemed like a good, if cruel, ruse. But that day, when he got the phone call from the hospital telling him that Lukas was ill, Emil felt it crashing down among him like glass.

* * *

His father had never been around, at all. The divorce from his mother had come at a tricky time, and his mother had only found out that she was pregnant when the whole thing was done and dusted. His brother had been a year old at the time, and nearly two when Emil was born.

Emil's first memory was of Lukas teaching him how to tie his shoelaces.

His brother was his constant defender and protector. He helped him with his homework, read to him, taught him to ride a bicycle and patched him up every time he fell off. He did everything a brother should, and he was really all that Emil had. When he was five, and a boy in his class had pushed him off the swing set, Lukas was sent to the principal's office for punching the kid in the face.

It was an understatement to say that Emil adored his older brother. When he got the call to say that Lukas was in the hospital, ill with a heart defect, there was only one thing he felt.

_Guilt._

"Kid, it's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself." School had let out for the summer, and Emil spent most of his time at his neighbour's home, chin on the table and temperament melancholic. While he himself was still, Sadık never stopped moving; he was either at the gym, trying to woo the young Hungarian woman who lived down the street or, like now, bustling around his kitchen and making lunch for them both. "How were you supposed to guess he was sick? Your brother doesn't exactly make things obvious, you know."

"I'm supposed to guess because he's my _brother," _Emil said miserably, and Sadık rolled his eyes as he set the plate of lahmacun in front of him. "He'd have known if there was something wrong with me. If I had told him to go to hospital before, maybe he wouldn't be so ill. I don't think his surgery worked, Pops. His pulse was still fast."

"Emil. Just because his pulse was still fast doesn't mean that the surgery didn't work." The Turkish man slid into the chair facing him, reaching out to clap down on Emil's shoulder. "Have a little faith. Do you really expect Lukas to give up and die in there? He's a stubborn little guy. You share that in common, actually." Despite Sadık's grin, Emil didn't look convinced.

"What if he doesn't get better?" The Icelandic boy's appetite had disappeared, and he sat back with a sigh. Sadık's cat took the opportunity to jump into his lap and settle down, purring, while Emil patted him absent-mindedly. The Turkish man now looked exasperated, and Emil flinched when he reached over to ruffle his hair.

Lukas couldn't understand why Emil took a liking to the man next door. Thirty-two year old Sadık was literally twice his age, but he was _nice, _and didn't treat him like a child. His brother had a hard time facing up to the fact that Emil could look after himself- in his mind he was still the little boy who climbed into his bed when he had nightmares, who would hide behind him and hold his leg when nervous, and who relied entirely on his older brother. He hadn't been that child for years, and Lukas still didn't want to accept that.

Besides, Sadık was fun to be around. He was like a much older, less responsible brother- or indeed, like a surrogate father. Despite them being neighbours, the spare bedroom had been used more than once by Emil sleeping over- something that had increased in frequency since Lukas had been admitted to hospital. Sadık was one of his actual, genuine friends, and right now, one of the few people he could rely on.

"Kiddo, he will. I promise you. If I fell nearly fifty metres rock climbing and survived with my handsome fact intact, he's going to get better from a little skipping-beat heart." Emil smiled weakly, and Sadık took this as a sign of his words working. "You trust me, don't you? But you need to stop worrying about him. He's in the best place right now, and there's nothing you can do. Listen to your Pops." He paused, then leant forwards to draw Emil into a hug. "Trust me on this." Emil nodded slowly and a moment later, returned the hug.

"Thanks, Pops."

"Think nothing of it." Sadık sat back, and the Icelandic boy could only too quickly recognise what his shark-like grin meant. "Besides your brother, how does this sound? I found out that the Hungarian girl- you know, the pretty one- goes to the gym every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. How about I change the times I go there to match hers, and ask her out for a drink after? I don't think I can come up with a better plan-"

"-unless she turns you down," Emil deadpanned, eyebrows raised. "Is she really going to want to go drink alcohol after going to the gym?"

"Emil, you're supposed to agree with me on this!"

"I can't if your idea is bad!" Most of their conversations ended up like this, if he was honest. That wasn't to say he didn't enjoy his half-serious, half-mocking disagreements with Sadık, and the knowledge that there was still someone close he could rely on.

That night, Emil did something that he hadn't done in years. Alone in the empty house, mother god knows where, he had knelt beside his bed and prayed.

"Um... I don't really know who I'm going to be talking to. Odin, maybe...? The King of the Gods...? I always thought that was Zeus, but Lukas is kind of big into Norse mythology... he doesn't broadcast it much, but he has the books in his room." Emil cleared his throat, aware that he was probably going wildly off topic. "I just- anyone who is listening, and god out there- please make him better. Please let my brother get better. I know I don't go to church, or worship, or whatever- I'm hardly religious at all. But I need a miracle. I haven't needed anything as much in my life, and probably never will again."

Emil blinked sudden tears out of his eyes, scrubbing a sleeve across his face. "I might not deserve this, but he does. He loves me, and he's always protected me and for the past couple of months, I haven't appreciated him enough, if at all. I just want my big brother back. He's all I have. So please, anyone, anyone at all... let him get better. If not for me, for him. Please let Lukas get better. I'll do anything." He took in a shaky breath, aware of the hot tears rolling down his cheeks. "Please. Make sure Lukas gets better. Just let him _live."_

Emil would give everything that he had, just to make his big brother better. It would be a sufficient repayment, for Lukas' lifelong care towards him.

* * *

**You guys better let me know what you think of this absolute monster of a chapter! I've never written anything as long, but I really wanted to go into Berwald, Tino and Emil's lives, since the centre plot focuses on Mathias and Lukas. More Berwald and Tino than Emil though, gah. Back to Mathis and Lukas next chapter. I just hope this one doesn't seem jumpy or confusing.**_  
_

**I used to watch the English version of ****_The Moomins _****when I was little. My mum used to drop me off at my grandma's house when she had to work, and ****_The Moomins _****was always on TV. I loved that series ;w;**

**Thanks everyone! Once again, please leave a review guys.**

**-sascake**


	6. carry on, my wayward son

**carry on, my wayward son**

* * *

The old people always died soon after they were admitted.

Mathias quickly came to learn the stages after death on the human body, sitting in his hospital bed and quietly observing what would be the day-to-day happenings. A person's eyes would cloud over with a grey film, their skin would pale to a whitish-blue, and their bowels would empty- frankly, that part disgusted him. Depending on how long it took the nurses to actually notice someone had kicked the bucket, rigour mortis would set in and they would be almost impossible to move unless bodily lifted.

The one thing that always fascinated him was that they looked physically _smaller_ after death. Their bodies would literally shrink- he never bothered to find out why, but it happened nevertheless. The human body was truly amazing.

The Danish boy always wondered what his mother had looked like after she had died. She was probably smiling on her way out.

In hospital, death surrounded him. He'd cried himself to sleep the first time that he'd seen an old geezer die, but then again, he'd only been seven at the time. Now he was seventeen, he was almost entirely indifferent to the deaths on his ward. It happened. No amount of tears could change that. They would die, shit themselves, get carted off by the orderlies and were never seen again.

At last count, he'd seen twelve people die during his six previous hospital stays. When counting this current, seventh time and including Lukas, Mathias had only ever shared a ward with thirteen other people.

The one thing he was certain of was that he would _not _let this one die.

Lukas was young- he had sixty, seventy years ahead of him, unlike the old people who were on their way out anyway. Mathias had been amazed to get someone his age in the ward, having simply assumed that he was the only unlucky smuck in the area to be have a heart condition at such a young age. But here he was, this adorable Norwegian boy with the filthy temper hidden within him. He'd expected Lukas to be- well, he wasn't quite sure what he expected the boy to be like. The slender, waif like figure, platinum hair and soft, pale features did well to hide his inner viciousness.

Mathias blamed his excitement going through the roof on seeing someone _young _on the ward. That probably explained why he decided the best course of action was to climb on the bed and poke Lukas until he woke up. He couldn't hold himself back- straight away he wanted to get to know this boy, with a desperation Mathias wasn't aware that he had. Someone his age, who shared his own heart problems; the temptation was too much, and Mathias gave into the lust of wanting someone who might _understand _him.

But of course, Lukas wasn't quite so simple when he got to know him. It was his first time in hospital, struck down for his first time with this weird arihyma thing, and he seemed determined to keep his distance from Mathias. It was just too bad that the Dane had always loved a challenge. And when Lukas had finally started to respond to him, to speak to him and confide and _trust _him- well, it was a challenge won for Mathias.

He'd seen the loneliness in Lukas' eyes, the solitary that was mirrored in his own, and he knew that he'd finally found someone who understood him.

His father had wasted no time in running off when they'd found out he was sick. His mother had decided that driving off of a bridge was better than dealing with him any longer. Sure, his cousin's family was great- Tino and Peter more than Berwald, mind- and he loved living with them, but they had each other. They were the perfect little family of Daddy, Mommy and Son- and then there was him. The sick cousin with the bad jokes, who pissed everyone off and drove his own mother to suicide. He was the odd one out, the black sheep of the family and _boy, _did he know it.

And then there was Lukas.

He was deluding himself that his family was still hanging together. Mathias had seen the lovebites on his brother's neck during one of his frequent visits, no matter how much Emil had tugged at his shirt collar to hide them. His mother didn't seem to care, judging by her lack of appearance and time spent in work. His brother was off with a boyfriend Lukas only saw as his friend. In a way, he supposed that the Norwegian understood that his grasp and protection on Emil was dwindling, slipping through his fingers like water, but Lukas simply didn't want to face up to it. He'd been the same way, back when he was five, maybe six. He'd told himself that Daddy would be home soon, that he'd just gone to do business, that he'd come back to them because he loved them.

Man, was he a deluded kid.

It was laughable, in a depressing way. Two eighteen year olds, surrounded by family and yet so alone. Berwald and Tino could probably see through his smart-ass comments and jokes- and most of the time, he _was _happy and carefree- but he hoped that Lukas hadn't, that the Norwegian was still under the impression that he could get himself through anything. Maybe then Lukas would start to really trust him, and believe that Mathias really _was _there for him.

Mathias wanted nothing more than to be there for Lukas, for the Norwegian to understand that _he knew how he felt. _He knew how it felt to be alone, to feel like a burden, to worry about others before himself, just as Lukas did. Damn it, he could _help_ him! He was someone who didn't pretend to know how he felt, someone with real empathy, someone to whom Lukas could cry and let out his feelings and stop pretending he was in control when he so painfully wasn't.

Every conversation started by Lukas, every smile or playful jab directed towards him- Mathias welcomed them all eagerly. In such a short time he'd fallen for the Norwegian hook, line and sinker, and there didn't seem to be a way of losing his new found feelings. He didn't _want _to lose his new found feelings, not now he'd found someone like Lukas.

He'd seen Lukas' loneliness, and wanted to be the one to rid him of that. To make him smile properly, to convince him that things could get better, to be the one person that could sit down, listen and empathise with him. Mathias wanted to be all that, and more. He wanted to protect the Norwegian

And hell, he'd make Lukas realise that.

* * *

"Five down, eight letters- to care for someone in a loving manner." Mathias chewed on the end of his pencil, frowning down at the crossword on his knees.

"Compassion? No, that's too long. Do you know any letters in it?"

"It ends in 'n'... I'm just going to move on. Seven across, four letters, a Danish children's toy... _duh, _it's Lego. What idiots write these?" The Dane scribbled down the answer, throwing a glance over at Lukas. "I have a few spare, if you want any."

"I'm terrible at crosswords. Thanks, though." Lukas went back to Mathias' book, listlessly flicking through the pages. "I wouldn't have thought you liked crosswords. Somehow, it doesn't seem like your type of thing."

"It's something to do- I'm just so _bored. _I don't even know if I'm going to get valve surgery or not!" Mathias whined, now hunting in his bedside cabinet for any remaining sweets. "I'm pretty bad at them too. I really want to get out of here, even if it's just for the day. Tino's probably overfeeding Hamlet while I'm gone."

"...Hamlet? Who is Hamlet?" The Norwegian raised his eyebrows, curiosity stirred, and Mathias shrugged and smiled.

"My cat. Tino spoils him far too much, and every time I come home from hospital he's usually put on a stone or two, just about. I heard hospitals sometimes have cats and rabbits to lower a patient's blood pressure but _nooo, _I'm not allowed to bring my cat in here with me. It's so unfair, because I'd probably get better quicker if I had him in with me! My blood pressure would go down like _that._"

"Those animals are probably specially trained, idiot." Lukas paused, his tone now vaguely impressed. "I didn't know that you liked cats. I've got one, too; he's called Norge. Emil has a kitten, and he's looking after them both while I'm here. He's not really the spoiling type, though he takes that stupid puffin of his everywhere he can."

"He has a pet _puffin? _Dude, that's awesome." Mathias sounded impressed, and he lent over to Lukas, straining to reach him with a paper bag in one hand. "Liquorice? It's homemade- Tino's is the best, believe me."

"No thank you. I've nothing against liquorice- my stomach just feels unsettled, I don't know if I'd be able to keep it down." Lukas ran a hand through his hair, the other pressed to his torso with a grimace.

"Lukas, I seriously think you need a feeding drip. I know it's horrible- and I've been on one, they're gross- but you look as if you've been losing a lot of weight recently." Mathias frowned, surveying the Norwegian. Lukas was aware of his bonier hands, the higher prominence of his cheekbones, and felt himself flush under the Dane's gaze. "I'm just worried about you, man."

"I know. You don't have to, though; worry about yourself, Mathias." He swallowed suddenly, and hesitantly looked Mathias in the eye. "If I tell you something, will you keep it quiet? I don't know if I'm right or not, and I do _not _want Emil to find out, but I feel like I have to tell someone. And somehow, you seem like a good listener. Your advice isn't too bad, so- will you hear me out?"

"Anything." Mathias propped himself up with an elbow, shifting in bed to fully face Lukas. "What's wrong?"

Lukas' fingers smoothed down the edge of his covers as he tried to stem the panic rising in his stomach. Of course, he _could _be wrong- but he knew something was wrong. He just _felt _it. "My heart- it still feels fast. It feels like it did back when I was first admitted, before the surgery. Mathias, I don't think the surgery worked. I think I still have arrhythmia."

For a few moments, Mathias was still as he tried to decipher Lukas' words. Then, all of a sudden, he almost exploded with emotion. "Lukas, you want me to _keep it quiet? _Mother of God- you're not well! You- this isn't good, Lukas. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go find a doctor and tell them that you're still ill?" His voice was incredulous, face a mask of shock, and the Norwegian felt panic rise in his throat.

"Mathias, please- please don't tell a doctor. They'll know if there's something wrong with me. I could be wrong about this!" His tone was wheedling, appealing to the Dane and his rising fury. "I'm just worrying myself, I know I am- please, just keep it quiet. Please, just promise me that you won't- I could be getting better, I really could! They said the therapy would work in the majority of surgeries performed-"

"-and what if you're in the minority?" Mathias interrupted, eyebrows pulled together in a deep scowl. "How long did you keep your illness quiet the first time, Lukas? How long were you ill for before you were admitted? This is _not _good- no wonder you've been losing weight. You tell a doctor, you hear me? I don't care if it's nothing, you find out what exactly is wrong with you and get it sorted!"

"And what if it's fatal?" Lukas challenged, his frantic heartbeats now because of his anger. "What then, Mathias? Do I just live out the rest of my life in this hospital until I die?"

"God _damn _it, Lukas! It's not going to be fatal, but you sort this out!" The Danish boy was breathing heavily, anger so blindingly obvious. "Think about Emil. Think about _me. _What if you get worse because of something you could have sorted out? How is _that _going to feel?"

"Why are you so upset about this anyway? It's not your health-"

"You can be so selfish, Lukas. I _care _about you, even though you can be a selfish, arrogant bastard sometimes." Lukas blinked, stunned at Mathias' sudden outburst. "Stop trying to act better than me- maybe you are, maybe you aren't, but I'm sick of you acting so superior and like you're a martyr. People _care _about you. _I _care about you. It isn't just you that your health affects; it's everyone around you, and you need to get your head out of your ass and realise that. I know what it's like to be sick, for people to worry about you even if you aren't worried yourself. Swallow your pride and listen to me for once, will you?"

Without a moment's notice Mathias rolled over in bed, pulling the covers over his head with his back to Lukas. The Norwegian was speechless, taken aback at everything the Dane said.

..._had _he been acting as if he was superior to Mathias? Had he been hurting him all this time, with his indifferent treatment of him? Mathias was irritating at times, yes- but had he ever shown Lukas anything but kindness during their time in the hospital?

"Mathias-"

"Don't want to talk to you." Mathias' voice was muffled, still hidden beneath his bed sheets, and Lukas intended to give a conversation another go before the hospital doors swung open. With the Dane still hidden, Lukas glanced up only for his mouth to fall open at the visitor approaching his bed.

"Hello, dear." Lukas' mother drew a chair up beside him, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. She looked out of place here, the heels and lipstick an almost direct contrast to the bleak hospital walls. "How have you been?" Her face was the picture of ease, no hint of embarrassment or guilt at her absence clear. Lukas half-expected Mathias to speak up, to mutter something discriminating, but the Dane remained silent.

"Fine, Mor." He combed a hand through his hair, trying to sort out the disarray. While Emil had come nearly every day, this was her first visit, and he couldn't help but feel resentment towards her. "What are you doing here?"

"To see you, of course. I've been busy at the moment- and I can't stay for long, I'm afraid. How's your heart? You'll be home soon, I expect- you've been in here for a good few weeks now." How did she sound so indifferent? Her voice was uncaring, and Lukas swallowed the bitter feeling rising in his throat. As if he could have convinced himself that she was worried about him, that she was ever worried about him.

"I've been here a month." He switched to Norwegian, and she blinked in surprise at the change. "How is Emil?"

"Trust you, to be worrying about him rather than yourself. Emil is fine."

"And how often have you been home since I've been in here?" He knew that his tone was accusing, knew that his eyes were narrowed in distaste, but he couldn't hold himself back. It was always too little, too late with his mother.

"Lukas, what is this? An inquisition?" His mother's eyes- the same violet as Emil's- were incredulous.

"Just answer the question."

"I don't know- a few times, when I'm not busy." She was clearly flustered, two spots of pink appearing on her cheeks. "My schedule's rarely clear- Emil can look after himself, the Turkish neighbour's been keeping an eye on him anyway. You don't need to worry about him."

"I can't, Mother. He's my little brother- I'm always going to worry about him."

"Even with your bad health?" His mother sounded amused, but the smile soon slipped from her face at Lukas' stony nod.

The rest of her visit passed in almost complete silence, before she excused ten minutes later and quietly left. Lukas waited until she left before slipping down in his bed, covering his eyes with both hands.

"Is she gone?" Mathias' low voice cut through his subconscious, and Lukas opened one eye to see Mathias still turned away, still facing the back wall with a stony resolve.

"Yeah. She's gone." Suddenly, he was blinking hot tears back from his eyes, and scrubbed a sleeve over his face. "Gone, and probably not coming back." Lukas couldn't stop the gasp, and Mathias wriggled up in his bed to stare at him as the Norwegian broke down, the tears now running freely down his face.

"Lukas, what's wrong? What happened?" The Dane reached for his IV but hesitated, looking back to the other patient with open panic. "Come on, talk to me-"

"She doesn't care about me. She doesn't care about either of us." His sobs wracked his chest, and Lukas covered his face with a bony hand. "Probably only calm to feel better about herself- my own mother doesn't care about her children!" Silence followed his words, only disturbed by the Norwegian's tears. Mathias' gaze was focused on the ground, and he swallowed heavily before he spoke.

"She might not care, but you're lucky that you still have her around." The Dane's voice was almost wistful, and Lukas raised his head, face tearstained and voice still thick from his grief.

"What do you mean?" He thought for a moment, trying to recall Mathias' earlier words. "Is your mother not? Where is she?"

"Not around. Not anymore." Mathias' tone was quiet, and his smile was pained. "But you have Emil. That's what matters, I suppose. And you have your friends, don't you?"

Lukas had the impression that Mathias wanted to change the topic, to steer things away from family. His new line of thought wasn't any more pleasant, though, and Lukas wiped the last few tears away. "Friends? No. None."

"You have to have some friends, surely." The blond raised his head, now looking confused. "Don't tell me that you don't, Lukas. You _have _to have some friends."

"I really don't have anyone that I can consider a friend, Mathias," the Norwegian said heavily. "I'm not close to anyone. I don't know what it is about me, but I'm not the type to become close to anyone. I can't make friends too easily, if at all."

"But who do you work with in school, hang out with at lunch times? Lukas, don't tell me that there's no one." Lukas almost smiled at the hurt expression Mathias was wearing. Maybe the Dane had been telling the truth, when he had said that he cared.

"There's an English guy, Arthur- we hang out sometimes. He's the same as me, so I guess the two loners just pair up together. It's sad, I know. You've probably got a whole gang of friends, right?"

"Not really." Mathias still seemed upset by his words, but shrugged nonchalantly. "I've got my friends Lars and Gilbert- the teachers always call us the main troublemakers. They're great, but- I'm different, you know?" He hastened to explain himself at Lukas' raised eyebrows, adding, "it's because I'm sick. I'm out of school quite a lot, so people don't try to become close to me because they think I could get sick at any moment. It's a weird logic, but I sort of see what they mean. You're wrong about not having friends, though."

"Not really." Lukas tucked a stray piece of hair behind his ear, hoping the tearstains would soon fade. "I've just told you, Mathias-"

"I'm your friend."

The quiet words stunned Lukas, and he blinked owlishly at Mathias. The Dane looked unimpressed with his surprised reaction, and it was then that he pulled out his IV and moved to sit beside Lukas on his bed.

"I'm sorry, Mathias. For acting superior to you. For being nothing but insulting." Lukas swallowed, eyes focused on his bed sheets. "It wasn't nice of me to do that. Pretty vile, actually. You've been nice to me all this time- nothing but nice to me- and I haven't appreciated that. I'll talk to the doctor if it gets worse. I promise. I- Thank you." Slowly, he reached out, and took a loose hold of the Dane's hand. "I hope you forgive me."

"I already have, _idiot," _Mathias mocked, the trace of a smile on his face. "Apology accepted, Lukas. I know it's bad to be in here, especially for your first time. I know you're worried about Emil, too. And when I say I understand, I really do. I've been through it already."

"You shouldn't make excuses for me, though." Lukas was aware of Mathias' fingers tightening around his own, but his gaze was focused on the Dane's face. "I haven't appreciated you, Mathias. You can be annoying sometimes- I'm not going to deny that- but you're genuinely a good person. And I know that now."

Mathias was silent for a moment, before his lips curved into a small smile. "You're the first person who's ever told me that, Lukas. I appreciate it."

It was sudden, their kiss. Neither had anticipated it, yet when Mathias had leaned down and Lukas sat up, they found themselves embracing, Mathias' mouth closing over Lukas' own. His eyes slid shut at the soft sensation, at Mathias' hand sliding through his hair, and he cupped the Dane's face with his hands. The other blond was tugging on his bottom lip and when they broke apart, the Norwegian pressed his forehead against Mathias', their breathing ragged and chests heaving.

"You're a better kisser than I thought," Lukas whispered, and when he opened his eyes, saw the grin spreading across Mathias' face. He couldn't find it in himself to be irritated at him, at their sudden kiss- he was to blame as much as Mathias, he had wanted it as much as the other boy had. The Dane tangled his hands in Lukas' hair, pulling the Norwegian to rest against his chest and pressing his lips to his forehead.

"You're not too bad yourself, Lukas. You're not too bad at all."

They remained that way for god knows how long, eyes closed and breathing in sync as Lukas pressed his ear against Mathias' chest, content to remain in his arms and listen to his heart.

Eight letters. Caring for someone in a loving manner.

Devotion.

* * *

**Thank you for the response to the last chapter guys ;w; If this chapter reaches it, the 75th reviewer can get a oneshot if they want! I just hope you like this one.**

**Please try and leave a review now you're done~**

**-sascake**


	7. the price of freedom

**the price of freedom**

* * *

"I haven't done this on someone else's line before." Mathias bit his lip, eyebrows pulled together in a frown as he took hold of the drip. "I don't want anything to go wrong..."**  
**  
"Just do it quickly, it's starting to hurt." Lukas rubbed his arm, glaring at the Dane as his patience dwindled by the second. "You seem to have no trouble doing it to yourself. Just yank it out already."

"I've told you before, you _can't _do that," Mathias said reprimandingly, frowning briefly at the Norwegian. "It's dangerous. I don't want you to bleed all over the floor; that would suck. You didn't want to take your IV out before, so don't blame me for going slow now. Easy does it..." With deliberate care, the blond slid the line out in one final movement, grinning as he held up the tube now detached from Lukas' arm. "There. Wasn't so bad, was it? I get quicker every time!"

"It still seemed like an age to me, idiot. And I actually wanted to move for once, I'm _bored _stuck in my own bed." Despite his whines, Lukas slid his legs from beneath the duvet and planted the soles of his feet on the ground. He hadn't stood up in God knows how long and even when he rose, the shaking in his legs made him question his decision to actually stand. Mathias held his arm out, and after a moment's reluctance, Lukas let him guide him towards the Dane's own bed. The Norwegian threw himself down when he reached it, burying his face into a pillow, and Mathias grinned as he sat beside him.

"You've been in a better mood recently. Those drugs working at last?"

"Dunno. The doctor's coming to see me later. Talk about my medication or condition or something." Lukas' voice was muffled and he rolled onto his back to face Mathias, the pillow still enveloped in his arms. "It's probably not going to be good news. Maybe. I don't know."

"How's your heart been feeling? That'll be some indication." Mathias slid down in bed until he was laying alongside Lukas, twisting their fingers together before the other boy could argue. Lukas simply blinked impassively and gave a shrug.

"The same. No better and no worse, really. It's still fast." His voice was its usual monotonous tone, and Mathias rolled his eyes with a sigh. "He's probably going to tell me that the surgery didn't work and that I'm going to die a miserable shadow of my former self."

"Always a ray of sunshine, aren't you? Stop worrying, it'll be fine. You sound like Tino- he worries like that, but he'd cry. You're more calm," Mathias said, voice matter-of-fact. "I bet you'll be released before I am. Looks like I'm just going to get medication this time around."

"Does that happen a lot?" Lukas' voice held a tone of interest, and Mathias shrugged, pulling the Norwegian's arm and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

"Depends. When I was eight, I had to have three separate surgeries on my valves in the space of two weeks. The time after that, I was in for three days on a few different medications. I had a feeding drip that time around; I don't know what happened, but according to Berwald, I threw a kiddy tantrum over the hospital food. They decided to stick a tube into me instead of trying to get me to eat." The Dane's grin was wide and lacking in any guilt- in fact, he seemed almost proud of the story. "They probably knew the food tasted like crap."

"It isn't hard to believe that. You seem like you'd be an obstinate child." The Norwegian sounded reprimanding, but he smiled slightly at the image. "When he comes around, it's probably to tell me that I'm getting put on one. It seems that I haven't been able to keep my food down recently."

The Dane had, in fact, almost fallen out of bed at one of Lukas' vomiting fits at night. His behaviour was overwhemingly friendly to him during the day, but the sight of the Norwegian with bile dripping down his face had caused him to silently hit the button alerting the nurses and have them clean him up instead. Somehow, Lukas couldn't bring himself to hold a grudge against him for this.

"It's kind of gross, but..." Mathias paused for a moment, seemingly considering his words before he spoke. "Maybe it's for the best. You've been looking thinner recently." As if proving his point, he reached under the Norwegian's shirt and ran a hand along his prominent rib cage, before Lukas aimed a kick at his hand.

"Yes, I _know. _Don't point it out to me." He sounded irritated, but tightened his grip around Mathias' hand. "I'm naturally thin. I haven't lost as much as you think I have."

"_Suuure, _Nilsen. Next time Tino brings liquorice, I'll make him bring a bag for you too."

They'd began an odd sort of relationship, after the disastrous, and only, visit of Lukas' mother. The Norwegian questioned how successful something like this would be- how were they supposed to have something with any sort of normality trapped in hospital?- but resolved to question the logic at some other point. It was somewhat irritating to have Mathias around twenty-four seven, especially as the Dane rarely stopped talking, but the other boy was a good kisser. In Lukas' mind, that mostly made up for his motormouth.

"Hey. Want me to read something?" Lukas thought for a moment, then nodded in agreement. Mathias grinned, releasing his hand so he could reach out and take hold of his fairy tale book as they moved into their usual position. Mathias' back was against the headboard with Lukas' back pressed to his chest; the Dane drawing his knees up and holding the book in front of them while Lukas let his head fall back onto his shoulder, his lips skimming the blond's neck. There was something oddly soothing about Mathias reading- his baritone was perfect for speaking the Danish fairy tales, and he even put on voices for each of the different characters.

"There were once five and twenty tin soldiers; they were all brothers, for they all had been born of one old tin spoon..." Lukas shifted against the Dane, one hand moving to encircle his wrist and move his thumb over the steady pulse. Mathias smiled at the action, chin resting on Lukas' head as he continued regardless. "They shouldered their muskets, and looked straight before them: their uniform was red and blue, and very splendid..."

Lukas fell asleep sometime before the end of the story, lack of solid food and decent sleep exhausting him. Mathias had put him back into bed- cringing at the effortless ease it took to lift him- and reattached his IV before any of the nurses came back. He then retreated back to his own bed after a kiss to the blond's forehead, and spent the rest of the afternoon quietly reading.

The Norwegian would never have expected it but sometimes, Mathias liked a peaceful silence.

* * *

"There. You should be able to have some decent nutrition now. Your BMI is much lower than we'd like it to be, Mr. Nilsen, so you'll have to stay on the line until your weight increases..."

Through the doctor's stern words, Lukas could only wonder if he could liquidise the bag of liquorice Tino had hidden under his pillow. The Finnish man and Mathias were grinning at him and giving him thumbs up from behind the doctor's back, and Lukas tried to keep a straight face as Berwald watched the two with a tired sort of resignation. Clearly, Tino and Mathias had tried this cheerful routine multiple times before. "All right. What about the surgery? Was it sucessful?"

"We'll have to wait a little while longer to see just how well the ablation therapy worked- the results won't be clear for a few more days yet. For the meantime, there's been a few more medications added to your daily rota. Nothing major: just give your heart some time, and you'll be out of here as quick as possible, Mr. Nilsen." Flashing him a quick smile the doctor turned to Mathias, who immediately adopted a somber expression. "I believe you're leaving us for a few hours, Mr. Køhler. Your guardian has filed a request for a family event, is that right?"

"We're just taking him out for three hours," Tino said quickly, smiling nervously at the doctor. "Mathias visits his mother on the seventeenth of every month, and he's usually allowed out if he's in hospital at the time. Is it all right? We'll have him back on time, I swear-"

"It's fine." The doctor cut over Tino, probably aware that the Finn was going to go off on a tangent. "You just have to sign some paperwork at the front desk and have him back before the night shifts. Mathias, you know the drill- stay in your wheelchair, avoid sports, junk food, any tiring activities, that sort of thing."

"Sure thing." Mathias grinned, pushing his hair back with a hand. Lukas had seen it unstyled- and it was longer than he'd expected- but the Dane insisted on wearing it as gravity-defying as possible. The blond was sitting in one of the hospital's wheelchairs, looking the picture of ease. "We're only going to be at two-twenty Victoria Street, and forty-six Summer Way- that's Ber's address. I'll be back before you know it!" While the doctor nodded, checking the clipboard hanging at the end of the Dane's bed, Mathias turned to face Lukas with a beseeching expression. "Luke, you should come with us. It'll be better if you did!"

"Don't call me Luke," was all that the Norwegian said, before the doctor cut over him smoothly. "I'm afraid not. Only immediate family has the privilege to do that."

Without missing a beat, Tino spoke up. "Would I be able to do it? I'm his uncle." Mathias blinked, and even Berwald looked taken aback with Tino's smooth excuse. "He's my sister's kid. Svanna's unable to be here because of work, but I know she'd appreciate it if I was looking after him. Can I sign him out alongside Mathias?"

Lukas questioned just _how _Tino knew his mother's name, but the doctor looked sceptical despite Tino's innocent expression. "You aren't listed as his guardian. Family or not, without produced permission from his mother, you can't take him out. It's not recommended to begin with- Mr. Nilsen may be eighteen, but his arrhythmia is a serious case. He's unable to take a day's jaunt like Mr. Køhler." The doctor bowed his head apologetically and moved away to the store cupboard at the back of the room, Tino frowning after him while Mathias groaned.

"You were _so _close. What's this- you're his uncle? I've been living with someone I don't even know!" Mathias reached back to punch his arm, adding, "I was pretty sure it would work, though."

Tino sighed sadly, tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. "I did, too. Sorry, Lukas- I did try. It looks like you're going to do without Mathias for a few hours." He smiled apologetically, and was met with the Norwegian's raised eyebrows and slight smirk.

"Who said that was a bad thing?"

"He doesn't mean that," Mathias assured his family, though Berwald looked unconvinced and Tino amused. "He loves me really. I guess you're just hiding your feelings, Lukas, 'cause you're upset that we're going to be apart..."

"Keep telling yourself that. Have fun." There was something odd about Mathias' words to the doctor, but Lukas pushed it aside in favour of offering the Dane a small smile. Mathias' response was frantically waving and blowing him kisses, while Berwald settled for a nod and Tino a friendly, if apologetic, smile. The door swung shut behind them, and the Norwegian was left behind in the ward with the doctor. The smile dropped from his face, and he turned to look over at the other man, fingers absently running along the feeding tube slid through his skin.

"Isn't twenty-two Victoria Street the local cemetery?" At his words the doctor glanced up, and hesitated before answering.

"I'm not quite sure. You'll have to ask him when he returns." The man quickly excused himself and followed the family out, seemingly wanting to avoid Lukas' questions. The platinum blond sat back, frowning, and tried to make sense of what Mathias has said. Something hadn't quite added up in the Dane's words, but he was unable to think it over- the doors to his ward had swung open yet again, revealing Emil standing in the doorway.

"Emil!" His brother looked taken aback at the cheer in his voice, and even Lukas was surprised. He could hardly blame himself, though; he was always glad to see his younger brother, and he needed something to distract himself from his growing suspicion of the fate of Mathias' mother. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"I didn't have anything to do, Lukas. School's out for the summer, and I feel bad for you stuck in here." Emil took a seat by his bedside, before quickly adding, "not that I don't want to come-"

"I know. I'm just glad you're here now." The Norwegian settled back against the pillows, running an eye over his brother's form. Unlike himself, Emil looked healthy and well dressed- that, at least, was a relief. The polo shirt he was wearing had its collar folded over his neck, and Lukas frowned slightly at the sight. Perhaps he'd just forgotten to push it down. "How have things been? Have you-"

"Been getting decent sleep, a good diet, enough time spent outside?" Emil interrupted dryly. "Yes. I _do _listen to you when you're here, you know. How are you? Is that a _new _tube?" He looked Lukas up and down, swallowing slightly. "What's this one for?"

"Nutrition. I haven't been able to keep my food down." Lukas' voice was deliberately light, yet his brother still looked ill at the thought. "Don't worry about it. The doctors have me on a new medication- I'll be home before you know it. It's been long enough."

"Oh. That's good." Emil smiled, but there was something strange hidden in his eyes. "You say that nearly every time you're here."

"I'm actually confident that I'm right this time." The Norwegian attempted to mirror his brother's smile, but his expression froze before he could try. Emil had made as if to rub his neck, but had pushed the collar of his shirt aside in the process, revealing the purplish-red bruises peppered along his neck. At Lukas' intake of breath his brother glanced up, eyes widened and hand tugging at his collar again as he realised Lukas had caught a glimpse. Despite his attempts to hide it, the Norwegian still stared in shock at his younger brother.

"Emil, what _happened _to you?" He couldn't hide the amazement in his voice, and a blush spread across Emil's face as he failed to meet Lukas' eyes.

"Nothing! It's nothing, Lukas. Don't worry about it." There was a pleading undertone to his voice, as if imploring Lukas to stop with the questions, and the determination to find out the truth set in to the Norwegian.

"That's not nothing. Someone's hurt you, Emil. Who was it?" His brother seemed reluctant to answer, and Lukas pressed ahead. "Tell me. Are you being bullied?"

"No- nothing like that!" The Icelandic boy took a shaky breath, biting at his lip. Lukas watched him, utterly confused with his reaction. Emil usually told him everything, yet here he seemed desperate to avoid the conversation. "Lukas, please. You don't need to worry."

"I _am _going to worry," Lukas said through gritted teeth, "because you're my younger brother, and something's happened to you. _Tell me what happened."_

For a moment, he was sure that Emil wasn't going to answer. His brother visibly struggled for words before him, teeth clamped down on his lip as he considered how to answer. Then he took a shaky breath, face flushed and embarrassed, and avoiding his brother's eyes as he spoke.

"No one's hurt me." His voice was soft, the undertone of shame tangible. "They're lovebites."

Lukas simply blinked at him. He couldn't register sense of the words for a moment, simply staring at his brother. Emil was resolutely ignoring his gaze, sniffing and wiping a hand across his face. Then Lukas found his voice, eyebrows pulled together in a puzzled frown.

"Lovebites? Why do you have lovebites? Who gave them to you?" His voice was still an undertone, but there was an unexpected feeling welling up inside of him. Anger. Anger that someone, whoever they were, had done this to his little brother- _his _brother Emil.

The Icelandic boy tugged at his hair again, voice even softer when he spoke this time. "...Leon." His cheeks darkened, and he looked back, almost longingly, to the doors of the ward. "Leon did. I..." Emil let out another breath, blinking hastily. "I'm dating Leon."

Silence stretched out between them, and Emil took the oppourtunity to hastily wipe his eyes as Lukas stared at him, unable to quite believe his words.

"You're dating Leon?" he said bleakly, voice heavy. Emil nodded, tears now gathering in the corners of his eyes. "For how long?"

"F-Five months." At this, Lukas was taken aback. Five months? He hadn't noticed Emil had been dating someone for so long- for _months? _Despite his confusion another, darker thought entered his mind, and he tried to keep his voice calm and controlled as he addressed his brother.

"Have you slept with him?" Emil's head shot up, his violet eyes wide with shock and his mouth hanging open as he stared at the Norwegian. "Answer the question, Emil." Lukas' voice was firm, and his temper only grew at the sight of the boy floundering for an answer. Against his will, the Icelandic boy's cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were darting around the room; looking for an escape route, both from Lukas and answering the question.

"It's none of your business!" His brother's voice was indignant, and Lukas' eyes narrowed at the tone. He knew Lukas better than he knew himself and _this _voice, the one with the shaking undertone and strained words, was the one he used when he was as guilty as hell.

"_Emil Stielsson. _Have you slept with him? Answer me." Emil's expression was indignant, mouth set in a tight line, and Lukas prayed that he hadn't heard his stumble over the words. Not his little brother- not Emil- he was too young, he _couldn't _have done such a thing- he would have _known- _his eyes snapped up to Emil as the boy answered, voice strained in an effort to hold back his anger with his cheeks still flushed.

"Yes. I have. And it's got _nothing _to do with you." At his confession, Lukas could feel the bile rising in his throat, and struggled to keep it down. His little brother had gone behind his back, slept with- with that _boy. _He hadn't liked Leon from the moment he'd met him- his cool indifference to Lukas; his growing presence in their home; the fact he was one of seven children with seven different fathers; his stealing of Emil's attention- and now his brother was telling him that they were in some sort of twisted relationship? Almost subconsciously, Lukas' hands twisted into his bed sheets as every syllable in his words shook with fury.

"It's got everything to do with me. I'm your brother. You can't see him any more." Lukas' voice rang with authority, his searing gaze focused on Emil's face. His brother was taken aback at the sudden demand, but shook his head furiously once he gathered his thoughts.

"You can't do that!" All of Emil's previous tears were forgotten, such was the sudden rage directed towards his brother. "You can't control me any more, Lukas! I'm sixteen, and I can see him- date him- hell, I can have _sex _with him if I want! I _love _him!"

"You're just a kid. You don't know what love is," Lukas said coldly, indifferent to Emil's words. All that mattered was his little brother, _his _little brother had been seduced by the Chinese bastard. Despite the control in his words, Lukas felt as if he was going to be sick. The thought of Emil with that boy was almost too much to bear. "Did he force you? Because if he did Emil, I swear-"

"He didn't _force_ me! You know what, Lukas? _I _was the one who asked _him _to have sex with me! Don't look at me like that; it's my life, Lukas. I'm not a little kid any more! I don't need you breathing down my neck every time I try to do something, every time I try and make friends- you know, since you've been in here, I've never had more freedom in my life!" Emil's voice was shrill, and Lukas' eyes narrowed. "I love Leon, and you can't stop me from seeing him. You're not my father, however much you act like it."

"Who else is going to protect you? You're a _child, _Emil. This- this _relationship _with Leon- you're only sixteen. You shouldn't be involved with anyone."

"Anyone that isn't you?" Emil's tone was biting, fingers gripping the edge of his shirt and twisting it. "You know why I never made friends before? Because _you _would scare them all off. All the kids in my class, they were freaked out about how protective you were. None of them wanted to be my friend- half of them were to terrified to attempt it. It made me absolutely miserable, but you were too pleased to have my company that you didn't notice. You never notice the little details, Lukas. Everything has to be your way, all the damn time. You know, I told Sadık about Leon, right after we first got together. And do you know what he did?"

"Enlighten me." Lukas' voice was icy, his anger freezing in contrast to Emil's fire. "What was so important that you had to tell Sadık? What did your _Pops _say?" Inwardly, his heart was pounding at the thought of Emil confiding in their _neighbour, _rather than him, but his feelings were pushed aside to make way for his cold contemption of Leon.

"He told me that he was happy for me, _because I finally had a friend my age. _I finally had someone who cared about me, despite the fact you're freaking _obsessed_ with me. He was happy for me. Why can't you be?" Emil's tone was wheedling now, and he tried to recover his breath lost. How ironic, Lukas thought; the first lengthy conversation they'd had in months, and it was a near screaming match.

"Because I don't approve. I don't approve of Leon, I don't approve of this relationship, I don't approve of you _sleeping _with him." The Norwegian's voice was quiet now, filled with disapproval. "I'm your brother. I know what's best for you."

For a moment, Emil remained silent, contemplating his words. Then he gave a short, harsh laugh, causing Lukas to look up with eyebrows arched in question. "You're deluded, Lukas. I'm not four any more. I don't need you to hold my hand, or try and do the right thing for me. I'm together with Leon; I'm _not _going to break up with him just because you don't like him. I love him, and he loves me, whatever you tell yourself."

"Whatever _you _tell yourself-"

"This is why I didn't tell you!" Emil snapped, visibly shaking in rage as he spoke, "I knew you'd act like this. I knew you'd hate me dating anyone, and I was _right. _I don't know if you're jealous, or you're just too overprotective, but you can't control me any more. You're messed up, Lukas. I don't know what Mathias sees in you, because he's far too good for you. You're twisted."

"_Emil. _Don't be like this." Lukas bit his lip, stunned at his brother's sudden emission "We can talk about this." He had no intention of doing so, of course- he'd do anything he could to keep Leon from his brother- but he was gripped with the sudden fear of Emil getting up and leaving, even as his brother rose to his feet and glared at him.

"I'm done talking to you. You're not going to listen to anything I say anyway. Why can't you just be happy for me?" The Icelandic's voice was suddenly pleading, eyes filled with hurt as he stared at his older brother. "Please, Lukas. Please just accept that there's someone other than you in my life."

The Norwegian's silence was enough of an answer for Emil and with a strangled sob, he turned on his heel and stormed from the hospital room. Lukas' hand reached out as the door slammed behind his brother, ineffectually grasping at the air.

He'd messed up. This time, he'd really messed up, and as he settled back into bed, trembling, the pangs of his heart taunted him.

When Mathias returned a few hours later, mysteriously subdued, he found Lukas with his pillow over his head, skinny form visibly shaking and refusing to tell him what had happened. The Dane was concerned, not to mention worried, but could only follow through on the Norwegian's request to stay in his bed that night.

With the silent tears soaking through his shirt and his hand soothingly running the length of Lukas' back, his own mind ill at ease over the day's events, neither of them slept that night.

* * *

**I know this chapter is kind of slow, but I've had to extend the fic to have two more chapters. Can't build a love story out of nothing! And believe me, older brothers can be ridiculously overprotective and irrational when they find out their younger siblings have grown up. Poor Emil, wanting a bit of independence. Not that I've gone and done what Emil has, but my brother kind of freaks out every time I mention a good looking boy aha. Love you Saša.**

**I've been holding up my massive book of H.C. Andersen's complete works while typing this fic one handed. My wrist is starting to hurt ;_; Whenever I need DenNor inspiration, I listen to Katy Perry's **_**Hot N Cold**. _**Norway right there, folks.**

**Thanks for the** _**amazing** _**response to the last chapter- over twenty reviews, which is incredible. I'd really like to get past one hundred reviews for this chapter so please, any of you readers leave a review!**

**-sascake**


	8. i'll keep you safe and sound

**i'll keep you safe and sound**

* * *

With his new feeding tube, Lukas' first trip out of his bed looked as if it would be his last. This left Mathias being the one to leave his own bed- to his irritation, and Lukas' amusement, his IV was now one that he could pull along, meaning that he had no excuse to take it out. As per usual he was perched on the edge of the Norwegian's bed, dutifully handing him liquorice after Lukas refused to take it from his mouth with his own.

"You know, I'm kind of glad I have heart problems," he said suddenly, pushing his hair back from his eyes. It was loose today, surprisingly long when it wasn't tousled. "Yeah, it sucks. It's kind of ruined my life in some ways. But I could have it worse- I mean, there's people who will die unless they get a transplant, and mine isn't so bad. And it meant that I met you. You don't happen to believe in fate, do you, Lukas?"

"No," the Norwegian said brusquely, eyebrows pulled together in a frown. "It's a load of rubbish." His voice was dismissive, but inwardly, he felt softened at Mathias' words.

It was nice, to feel wanted.

"Too bad." The Dane grinned, balling up the now empty bag of sweets and aiming it at a nearby bin. "I don't either, usually, but it's nice to think about it. Not that I want _you _to be sick- it's something I really don't want- but I'm glad I met you, Luke. Under all that iciness, you can be a real sweetheart."

"Shut it, Køhler. You're an ass." Lukas huffed, folding his arms as Mathias let out a bark of laughter. "Flattery won't get you anywhere." He ran an eye over the other blond's body for a moment, taking note of his wide smile and bright eyes, and leant over to press a kiss to his cheek.

If anything, Mathias' grin grew, and he raised his head so their lips could connected. For a moment, all was quiet, save for the occasional soft sigh, and Lukas teased the Dane's mouth open with the tip of his tongue as the other blond smirked. It was Mathias who pulled back this time and when he did, Lukas saw that he was still wearing his usual smug look and hooded eyes combination.

"Sometimes you act as if your heart is an iceberg, and then you go and do things like that... I like this side of you, Nilsen."

"Gloating isn't an admirable trait- no, not even if you _are _right." Flustered and his cheeks dusted pink, Lukas tugged at Mathias' arm, and the Dane shifted until they were side by side, his head lightly pressed to the Norwegian's chest. Out of his vision, a soft smile tugged at Lukas' thin lips as he ran his fingers through Mathias' light hair, the other boy shivering at the sensation.

"Well? Aren't you going to express all your feelings for me?"

"Careful, Mathias, you narcissism is showing." Lukas' voice was chastising, but one hand slid down to cup Mathias' face. "I like you."

"You _do? _How sweet, Lukas."

"It's more like toleration than anything else, really." There was something of a denial, one he doubted Mathias would pick up on- or maybe he would, with that overconfident attitude of his. He did like Mathias; as a friend, or even in a romantic sense, rather than simple speaking to him out of loneliness or boredom. If that was the case, his fingers wouldn't be ghosting over the Dane's skin, moving in soothing circles and tracing the contours of his face. Mathias smiled at his actions, nestling his face into Lukas' thin chest and sighing in content.

"Well, _I_ really like _you_. It helps that your hands are soft."

"I know. It's my best quality." The Dane wasn't as stupid as he'd immediately assumed him to be, and Mathias grinned at his sarcasm. The teachers at school always remarked on his try humour, when he actually spoke at all. It was hard to hold himself back sometimes, what with the idiots in some of his classes.

Mathias was different. He actually liked his company, for one.

"I don't know why the nurses haven't moved one of us yet. I keep getting out of bed; usually they go nuts when I wander about." His voice was muffled, eyes half-closed against Lukas' chest, and the Norwegian arched his eyebrows in surprise.

"Why do you think you got the new IV line? There's not many more places they can move us and besides, they probably feel sorry for poor dying Lukas Nilsen." His words had been light but Mathias scrambled to a sitting position, staring at him with eyes widened in shock. Lukas simply blinked, waiting patiently for Mathias to find his voice. When he did, his tone was shaking.

"Don't say things like that, Lukas."

"Why not? It could happen." Mathias scowled at Lukas' cool tone, at the steely voice that didn't take attention from the Norwegian biting at his lip. Instead of starting another argument the Dane simply sighed through his nose, an expression of irritation at Lukas' pessimism.

"Don't want to hear it. You're going to get better."

"Your optimism is overwhelming." All of a sudden, the Norwegian felt inexplicably tired. Tired of sitting in a hospital bed, unable to have any freedom, and unsure of whether or not he _would _get better. He watched his bed mate through weary eyes, his guilt and common sense locked in conflict.

His words seemed to have put Mathias in a bad mood, and at first, the Dane remained stiff and unmoving when Lukas pressed his forehead to his shoulder. Then, without a word to him, he slipped an arm around his shoulders and drew the thinner boy to his chest in an almost protective gesture, burying his face in Lukas' pale hair.

"You're going to be the death of me, you know."

"Probably. Better me than a heart condition."

After that, the topic was dropped.

* * *

Tino and Peter came to visit later that afternoon- Berwald was apparently working overtime, but the Finnish man and his stepson's spirits didn't seem dampened. Tino brought his usual delivery of sweets, while Mathias tried to convince Lukas to show his new feeding tube to Peter. Predictably, he refused, to the disappointment of both Peter _and_ Tino.

Emil didn't arrive, for the second day in a row.

Mathias seemed to notice this, but didn't question it until his own visitors had left. When the doors had swung shut behind them, Tino carrying a frantically waving Peter, he turned to Lukas with raised eyebrows. The Norwegian had been polite, and had spoken to Tino, yet his behaviour seemed oddly forced.

"So. Emil's been absent for the past few days." His voice was light, words easy, yet Lukas stiffened at his words. Under Mathias' gaze he turned his back on the Dane, burrowing down in bed with the sheets covering him. He had been around the other boy long enough to know that it was Lukas' standard reaction when he didn't want to face something. Mathias pressed ahead regardless. "Any reason why?"

"He doesn't want to see me." The Norwegian's voice was muffled, and Mathias strained to hear him properly. "He's angry at me."

"Because...?"

"Because he's an ungrateful brat, that's why."

"Aww, come on. He's not that bad." Privately, the Dane was stunned at him saying such a thing. Lukas practically worshipped the ground Emil walked on- there was no doubt that he adored his younger brother. Yet here he was, nearly shaking with rage. "What did he do?"

"Don't want to talk about it."

"Lukas-"

"_I_ _don't want to to talk about it," _Lukas snapped, making Mathias jump. He looked furious, and covered his face with his hands. "Please, Mathias. Not now." The Dane could only blink at him, nod, and let Lukas wallow in his feelings.

Lukas didn't speak again until that night, wrapped in Mathias' arms with their legs tangled together. Mathias had been stroking his hair, occasionally bending his head to press kisses to his face in an attempt to cheer him up, all while ignoring Lukas' irritated looks and smirking at every sigh. Unable to sleep, Lukas spoke up suddenly.

"Remember the day Berwald and Tino took you out?" Mathias glanced down at him, nodding, and Lukas took a deep breath. "Emil came to visit. I upset him."

"Right. Okay." Mathias spoke slowly, waiting for Lukas to continue. When no reply came, he pressed ahead. "What happened?"

"We argued." The Norwegian's voice was small, cheek pressed to Mathias' chest and fingers trailing over his arm. "He... he has a boyfriend. He's been seeing his friend, and he's lied to me about it. He _slept_ with him, Mathias, and he didn't tell me. And we argued. He left. I haven't seen him since."

"Why are you so protective over Emil?" Abruptly, he switched topic. Lukas glanced up at him, eyebrows furrowed in thought, then set his head back against the Dane's chest with a sigh.

"Because I'm all he has," Lukas said, his voice lacking any tone. He shifted restlessly against Mathias' side, and the Dane pushed the hair back from his forehead. "His father left before he was born. Our mother hired a babysitter nearly as soon as she brought him home from the hospital. I loved him from the first moment I saw him- I was barely two at the time, but I remember it so _clearly._ He was tiny, but he already had all this white hair. Got it from his father- I can't remember him, but there used to be a photograph of him in Emil's room."

Lukas let out a shaky breath, then added, "It was someone that was _mine_. Like our mother was going to care- I knew I had to look after him. The first night he got home, I climbed out of bed and slept on the floor beside his crib with a blanket and pillow. Put my hand through the bars so I could hold his hand- I used to do that a lot."

"You looked after him because no one looked after you," Mathias said softly, now stroking a thumb along Lukas' cheekbone. "You didn't want him to be like you. You wanted someone to notice him." His words weren't a question, merely a statement. Lukas let his eyes slide closed, and nodded.

"Yeah. That's about it." The words were bitter on his mouth, yet every syllable was true. "It's just hard, thinking that someone cares about him nearly as much as I do. This guy, Leon, he has five brothers and sisters. His eldest brother is in some of my classes, and they're a genuinely happy family. They have each other. I only have Emil- our mother didn't care about me, you've seen it yourself. I couldn't let Emil grow up thinking that he wasn't loved, when I loved him more than anything. I still do, come to think of it."

"Looks like I was a few years too late." Mathias' tone held false cheer, yet he sighed and pulled Lukas closer to him. "I'm sorry, Luke. Family sucks. Believe me, I know it."

Lukas moved back, frowning up at Mathias. "You always want to talk about my family; you've never told me about _your _family. I know about Berwald, and Tino, and Peter- but that's your cousin and his family." He reached up, placing a hand against Mathias' face, the Dane's expression stiff. "What about your parents? Tell me about them."

"There's a reason I don't talk about my parents." Mathias' eyes slid to the floor, voice guarded. "It's not exactly a happy story. You won't want to hear about it."

"I do." Lukas' fingers were trailing along the Dane's cheekbones, tone monotonous but firm. "Tell me. Please." When Mathias remained silent, he sighed heavily. "Why-"

"When I was two or three, I had trouble breathing at preschool, so I was sent to hospital." His words came in a sudden rush, alarming Lukas with the frantic pace. "My parents were told that I had an enlarged heart. By the end of the week, my dad had packed his things and left. We never heard from him again. I was just a kid, but my mother was never the same afterwards. When she smiled, it didn't reach her eyes." Mathias' voice was brittle as he tried to keep his anger contained, smiling bitterly himself.

"She was a good mother, don't get me wrong. She took me to all of my hospital appointments, set out all my medicine in the mornings... she used to have to bribe me, when I was a kid. Gave me a piece of chocolate for every one of the pills I took." Lukas' mouth curved into a ghost of a smile, and Mathias pressed on, eyes still focused on the opposite wall. "I didn't know it back then, but she was depressed. It wasn't vitamins she took every morning. Berwald said it was stress; it's what they like to say, the doctors and my family, _'she was stressed'_. They don't mention that it was from dealing with a sick child on her own. I guessed, though. There wasn't much else it could have been."

"So she was depressed," the Norwegian whispered, fingers tightening their grip on Mathias' shirt. "What happened afterwards?" Mathias glanced down; he had been so caught up in his story that he now looked vaguely surprised at seeing Lukas there. He attempted to smile naturally, yet couldn't quite manage it.

"Two or three months before I turned seventeen, my breathing started getting worse, and I had to go into hospital again. Two days before I was admitted, my mother went out to get groceries. I was playing video games in my room, and... she was acting weird. Stood at my door for ages and when I asked her what she wanted, gave me a hug and a kiss. Then she left, but- I should have _guessed. _I let her get up and leave, Lukas. I didn't try to stop her. I should have stopped her, but I was too busy with video games."

Lukas felt his heart sink at the bitterness and pain in Mathias' voice, and swallowed audibly as the Dane blinked hastily. His fears seemed confirmed, and he _knew _what was coming, yet he pressed ahead in a carefully controlled tone. "What happened, Mathias?"

"She killed herself. Drove her car over a bridge, and drowned before anyone could reach her." It was a good thing that Mathias was steadfastly refusing to meet his eyes; who knows how he would have reacted to Lukas' horror. "In her mind, it was better to be dead than have a sick child. Remember what I said, about my heart problems not being bad? They're still bad enough for my own parents don't want me."

"Don't say that," Lukas said quietly, gripping Mathias' face in both hands. The Dane was forced to meet his gaze, Lukas' eyes calm and focused on his features. "You don't know that."

"What else would it have been, Lukas?" Mathias whispered, gripping the Norwegian man's wrists and stroking his thumbs along the soft skin. "My parents find out I'm sick, and my father leaves in the same week. I have to go into hospital, and my mother kills herself. Why else would they have done it?"

Lukas didn't even consider his words, thumbs tracing smooth strokes over Mathias' jaw. "Maybe they were afraid that you'd die before them. Maybe they didn't want to see their son die in front of them. I can't be sure about your father, but your mother probably loved you too much to watch that happen. Have you ever considered that? Family never makes sense, Mathias. I know that better than anyone."

There was silence between them, and Lukas had the impression that Mathias was fighting to hide his inner feelings. Somehow, he doubted that the Dane had ever even considered that his mother had cared for him in the end.

After a few moments, Mathias slowly nodded. He took a deep breath, eyes sliding closed, then pulled Lukas into a tight embrace. "Please don't leave me. I can't lose you too." Lukas shifted against him, lifting a hand to stroke Mathias' face as the Dane buried his face in the smooth junction between his shoulder and neck. "I don't _want _to lose you. Please, Lukas-"

"You won't." His voice was firm, even if he doubted it himself. "You won't lose me, Mathias. It'll be okay." He pressed a kiss to the Dane's cheek, running his hand through Mathias' hair until the other boy relaxed against him.

He wasn't sure if Mathias believed him. He wasn't sure if he believed it himself. But seeing his face relax, and feeling his arms tighten around him, Lukas was content to keep up the fantasy.

* * *

**The last of the slow moving chapters- prepare yourself for the next one, guys! I'm sorry if this was a little filler-ish, but once again, building up the romance and emotions. I hope.**

**Once again, your response has been incredible, guys. Please keep it up- you have no idea how happy it makes me reading then, and it motivates me to publish chapters at a quicker rate. Please please keep at it! ;w;**

**Also, this is something I kind of want to press: I have a playlist that I'd recommend you listen to when reading this story. I'll post it on my profile, or if any of you use tumblr, I'll happily send it to you there.**

**Thanks again I love you all bawww**

**-sascake**


	9. in blood stepped so far

**in blood stepped so far**

* * *

_There was always only one person who read to him before he went to sleep; only one person who ever read to him altogether, if he really thought about it. When he was younger, Ms Van Dyke would tell them stories when she was looking after them, but now he was six and too old for a regular babysitter._

_"'Something is about to happen,' he told himself. 'Something peculiar is about to happen at any moment.' He hadn't the faintest idea what it might be, but he could feel it in his bones that something was going to happen soon..." Emil was snuggled in Lukas' lap, his older brother stroking back his hair as he read in a smooth voice. Emil's baby puffin was curled into his side on the duvet, already asleep, and his owner would soon join him. "He could feel it in the air around him... in the sudden stillness that had fallen upon the garden..."_

_Lukas cut himself off, looking down at Emil and patting his head absently. "That's enough, Emil. You're really tired." The Icelandic boy blinked blearily, raising his head and tugging on Lukas' shirt beseechingly. He was barely six, his brother eight, but he was still frustratingly small for his age. Lukas was small too, yet Emil could still perch on his lap without too much difficulty._

_"No! Read more!" Emil whined, now patting Lukas' face. His brother watched him with an unreadable expression, eyebrows pulled together in a minuscule frown. Mr Puffin shifted beside them and gave a shrill squawk as Emil persisted. "Please, Luke-" For at that age, he still couldn't quite grasp the pronunciation "-I wanna hear more!"_

_"It's too late. Anyway, it's past your bedtime." Gently, Lukas slid Emil from his lap and slid out of his bed, moving to tuck the covers around his little brother and press a kiss to his forehead. "Night-night." He smiled briefly when Emil tugged at his arm, and lent down to let him kiss his cheek. "Love you, Emil."_

_"Love you too," Emil whispered, even as Lukas closed the door behind him. He slid down in bed, arms reaching out to pull Mr Puffin close and cuddle him, and the bird gave a content chirp._

_They had their own rooms, but Lukas still checked on him every night before he went to bed. That night, when he looked in only to see Emil restless and awake, he only hesitated for a moment before letting his younger brother and Mr Puffin climb into his own bed._

_Lukas only sang when Emil couldn't sleep. Somehow, hearing his brother's low, soft voice singing in Norwegian, and feeling the hand stroking his hair always had him asleep in minutes._

_What Ms Van Dyke said was true. Lukas was the best big brother in the world._

* * *

The air was punctuated by their heavy gasps, sweaty skin sliding together as Leon pressed sloppy, open-mouthed kisses to Emil's neck. The Icelander's eyes slid closed as he tried to catch his breath, one hand in Leon's messy hair and the other clamped around his bicep, pulling the other boy flush against his chest as every muscle in his body shook with exertion.

"A-Ah- _Leon-"_

Finally, Leon collapsed by his side, eyes closed and breathing heavy. Their legs were still linked together, and Emil pushed back the hair clinging to Leon's flushed cheeks. The other boy couldn't have looked more beautiful; his coffee-coloured skin was smooth, the limbs tangled with his own muscular; and, when his gaze finally drifted back to Leon's face, his golden eyes were half opened and focused on him, a tired smile playing around his mouth.

"I love you." His voice was soft, husky with exhaustion, and Emil's smile mirrored his.

"I love you, too." Emil reached out and ran a hand along Leon's neck, fingers trailing over his chest, and he shivered at the sensation. Leon never cuddled with Emil right after they had sex, usually only a few minutes afterwards- and even then he would be detached, stroking his white hair with a distracted expression. It was nice, though. The Icelandic boy watched him, sheets pulled up to cover his chest, and all was silent as they lay side by side. Then Leon spoke up, eyes still focused on the off-white ceiling of his room.

"You should really talk to your brother." Emil sat up, looking incredulous at his suggestion.

"Isn't there a better time to bring this up? Were you thinking about that _the whole time?_"

"I meant to tell you earlier, but you jumped on me as soon as I got through the door." Leon grinned, his smile only widening at the blush growing on Emil's cheeks. "What? It's true."

"_You _jumped on _me," _Emil muttered, tone sulky like a child. "You know he wanted me to break up with you. I don't want to face him right now."

"Well, you should. He's sick. He could get worse." Leon's tone was conversational, and he reached over to run a hand through Emil's hair. "Yao didn't want me to see you, either. He doesn't want any of us to have relationships, just 'cause he's the oldest. We've all ignored him. You should do the same to Lukas."

"My brother's different from yours. Lukas doesn't let me get away with ignoring him," Emil said grumpily, previous good mood declining. "Do we really have to talk about my brother? It's bad enough Sadik bringing him up."

"You could have ignored me." Leon shrugged slightly, rolling onto his side and pulling Emil against his chest. "It sucks when you're sad. I don't like seeing you upset."

"I don't like being upset, but it seems like Lukas' mission sometimes."

The house was empty, as per usual. Lukas was still in hospital, his mother still in work. It was more peaceful for Leon to come to his house- they would be alone, without one of his many siblings bursting in on their brother having sex with his boyfriend. His eldest brother had never quite forgiven him for the time that Mei walked in on them and nearly screamed the house down. Yes, his house was definitely the better option: if he woke up in his room, the pale colour scheme was better for his eyes than the explosion of colours the room Leon shared with Yong Soo had.

If Lukas had been home, he almost definitely would have been at Leon's instead, regardless of colour schemes. Even his two sisters and four brothers were better than Emil's one brother; instead of Yao shrieking at them while they were still naked, Lukas probably would have grabbed Leon and thrown him out of the window without waiting for an explanation. Emil didn't even have to consider his reaction- it was _Lukas, _he was never going to take this _calmly._

Lukas had been in hospital for over a month now. Emil had never had so much freedom in his life during this time. It was cruel, he knew, ungrateful and absolutely terrible of him to think such a thing, but it was _true. _For once, he had control over his own life! In a twisted way, it was a glorious thought No more Lukas breathing down his neck, questioning what he was doing every hour of the day, where he was going and with whom. Leon had finally been able to sleep over, now Lukas wasn't there to refuse. It had been nearly a full week since he'd last visited his brother, and Emil felt strangely at peace because of it.

It was only when he didn't _really _think. He would, late at night- he'd be gripped by the fear of Lukas never coming home, his brother never watching over him again. He was protective, but surely that meant he _cared? _What kind of brother was he, if he kept hidden a secret desire to look after himself, at the cost of Lukas-

Emil never got as far as the word _dying. _If he did, then it would seem real.

"If it were me, and Yao was sick- or Kiku, or Yong Soo, or Mei, or even Kasem- I'd talk to them. Yao is overprotective; Kiku emotionally stunted; Yong Soo and Mei practically have ADHD; Kasem is just so serenely cheerful all the time; but they all care. Lukas can be an even bigger jerk, but he cares about you probably more than they do. He loves you, Emil. Doesn't take a genius to work that one out."

"Your family is different from mine. You always get along well." Emil was drowning in his own self pity. "What about Lien? What if you argued with her?" His Vietnamese sister seemed like the quietest and calmest of the group; he wasn't quite sure, with all the hectic activity in Leon's household. Yao was the oldest at twenty-one, and Mei the youngest at twelve, and Emil could honestly say that he'd never experienced a quiet moment among the seven.

"I wouldn't argue with her," Leon said simply, running his fingers along the curve of Emil's back and grinning at his shiver. "She's not like that. But if it was any of the others, I wouldn't leave it. Lukas is a bit of a dick, but he's practically your only family."

"Fine." Emil's eyes slid closed, his head tucked under Leon's sharp chin. "But please stop talking about him. I want to talk about something other than my brother."

Leon's eyes narrowed slightly in thought, and a wicked smile played around the edge of his lips. "If you insist." His hand moved to his waist, palm pressed flat as his thumb rubbed along Emil's bony hip. "I don't have to be home for three hours." There was a soft thump as Leon pushed him back against the pillows, leaning over to meet him in a messy kiss. Emil felt his lips curve into a smile, his hands moving up to cup Leon's face.

It was nice, to be able to do this with Leon.

* * *

"Take the sandwich."

"No."

"_Take it."_

"I don't _want_ it."

Mathias pulled Lukas into a headlock, covering the Norwegian's nose with a hand before he was aware of what was happening. Lukas struggled with him for a moment, Mathias' strength at least three times that of his own, before gasping for breath. The Dane wasted no time in shoving the sandwich in his mouth and covering his mouth until Lukas swallowed, a scowl written across his pale features when his mouth was finally clear.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Lukas snapped, wiping a sleeve across his mouth and brimming with anger. "You can't do anything normally, can you, Mathias?"

"I wasn't deaf when the doctor showed up." Mathias sounded as furious as he felt, fingers digging into the Norwegian's shoulder. "You're barely a hundred pounds, Lukas. If you're going to empty the feeding tube out, I'm going to force you to eat the traditional way. You're going to kill yourself thanks to starvation if your heart doesn't do the job first."

"You've had a feeding tube, you know how it feels! I think I'm going to be sick every time they fill it up, and most of the time, I spew it up anyway!" Lukas closed his eyes tightly, biting at his lip before he lost his temper completely. "I'd rather be hungry than throw it all up again. What happened to you not letting me die?"

"That's only going to happen if you _try _not to die." Mathias took a shuddering breath, sitting beside Lukas and covering his face with a hand. "I know it's bad. I was sick a lot, too, but you have to stay with it. It's the only thing that's going to get you to a normal weight again. Do you know what happens when you keep emptying the liquid out of the tube?"

"No. Enlighten me." Lukas was brimming with anger, but Mathias' serious expression unnerved him.

"They strap your wrists to the bed; it means you can't reach the tube, but you can't do much else either. And if you keep managing to break free and take it out somehow, they knock you out and force it down your throat. You're going to have a tube in your nose twenty-four seven that you can't pull out. You think I'm bad? They'll pump you full of liquidised foods until you put on a few stone and you're physically unable to throw it up or get it out of your system," Mathias said, voice cold and authoritative. "Believe me, having this is the best you could get."

"You're lying." Lukas knew that he sounded defensive, his frustration only growing at the Dane's derisive snort. "They can't do that to me."

"I wish. A little bit of brutality is nothing compared to a patient dying under their watch. The easy or the hard way- your choice. I want you to be better, but you have to work with me. Please, Lukas. Do it for me. Do it for _Emil."_

Lukas scoffed at his words, unimpressed with the mention of his younger brother, but reluctantly nodded. Mathias relaxed, sitting back on his bed with a sigh.

"You're going to be the death of me, Nilsen. You can be a stubborn asshole sometimes." He glanced back at Lukas, lapsing into silence. The Norwegian's eyes were focused on the bedsheets, face pale, and Mathias sighed heavily. At his outstretched arms Lukas hesitated briefly, but then pressed himself to the Dane's side, allowing himself to be pulled into a loose embrace as Mathias' voice dropped to a soft whisper. "It's okay. You're allowed to be scared, you know."

"I don't like being scared. I never had the opportunity to be scared." Lukas' eyes slid closed and he exhaled heavily. "I don't want to start now."

Mathias' only response was his own sigh, and arms tightening around the Norwegian.

It was several hours later when Lukas tried to rip out his feeding tube, and was only restrained by Mathias physically holding him back against the bed. Leon simply watched him, eyebrows raised and face expressionless at Lukas' violent struggles.

"What the hell do you want?" he barked, entirely set on his goal of reaching Leon and throwing himself at him. Those golden-brown eyes blinked at him, infuriatingly calm, and Lukas wanted nothing more than to tear them out. "Mathias, let me _go."_

"No chance; you're violent when you're angry, Luke." Mathias looked up at Leon, frowning at him in curiosity over Lukas' kicks and punches. "Who are you?"

"Li Xiao Kirkland," the boy said simply, stoic gaze now shifting to Mathias. "Or Leon; I prefer Leon. I'm-"

"The one that took Emil's virginity," Lukas spat, still struggling- abet weakly- against Mathias' tight hold. Leon arched one eyebrow coolly, while Mathias whistled behind him. "You _bastard. _He's only sixteen- stay the hell away from him-"

"I'm dating his brother." This was addressed to Mathias, and he appeared to now ignore Lukas. "We've been together for nearly six months. Emil's never told Lukas, so I came here to tell him formally. I think he's just pissed because I didn't bring flowers."

"You know that's not it." Lukas was brimming with rage, angered further by Leon's utter calm, and the boy's eyes narrowed a fraction of an inch.

"I love your brother," Leon stated plainly, and Lukas blanched at his words. "I know you hate me. I don't know why- and I don't care all the much either, but Emil does. It's making him upset. All he wants is your approval, even if he denies it, and he's worried about dating me because you don't like it. It isn't fair on him."

"It's perfectly fair. I'm his older brother; I don't like this at all." The Norwegian scowled, ignoring Mathias' wide-eyed gaze focused on him. "He's sixteen, and he's far too young to be dating someone, let alone having _sex _with them. I'm working in his best interests-"

"Really?" Leon said dryly, golden eyes boring into Lukas' face. "He's been miserable since he argued with you. And I'm sixteen too. You're only eighteen yourself, and that's hardly any difference in age. You can't say you're working in his best interests if you're making him upset along the way. You might be his older brother, but that's shitty of you."

A thousand insults bubbled on Lukas' tongue and he gripped the sheets, furious. Behind him, Mathias muttered, "Harsh, man," even as the Norwegian fumed. How could this _boy, _the product of a mother even more irresponsible than his own, and one of a manic set of seven siblings, dare to question his care over Emil? With difficulty he bit back his anger and instead spoke in a controlled tone, resisting the urge to leap up and attack Leon.

"You don't understand what it's like. I'm all Emil has- _you _have a dozen odd brothers and sisters, and Emil only has me. Do you really expect me to just accept that you've turned up and started a relationship with him, without bothering to inform me first? Emil is _everything _to me. I'm not prepared to let you run the risk of hurting him."

"I'm not _going _to hurt him. He has me, too." Leon was still wearing that frustratingly calm mask, but his eyes flashed as he spoke. "You're hurting him by treating him like a child. He may be your only brother, but my family- and I have half a dozen siblings, actually- know how to love each other properly; to care for each other equally. My eldest brother is still protective of us, but he lets us live our own lives, and lets us be _happy. _Why can't you do the same for Emil?" Leon paused, then added, "You can't look after him in here. Someone has to."

Lukas was thrown unexpectedly, shockingly unaware, staring at Leon with his mouth hanging open. Every thought had left his head, and he struggled for something to say in response. Before him, the Chinese boy waited patiently, even as Mathias leaned forwards, lips brushing the Norwegian's ear as he spoke. "He has a point. Emil's got his own life, Lukas. You're not going to be able to protect him forever."

Mathias' voice, low and brutally honest, triggered something inside the Norwegian. Lukas felt his chest tighten and he gripped the Dane's arm for support, lowering his head and blinking back the tears searing his eyes.

Emil was just a child. He was sixteen. He was his little brother. He was nearly an adult. He was _his _thing to protect, the one whose tears he had wiped away, whose cuts he had kissed and bandaged, the one he sang to so as to lull him to sleep, the one he loved like no other, because there _was _no other person for him to love-

"Go find him." Leon's head jerked up at Lukas' pained whisper, mask breaking to show an expression of confusion. "Go find Emil, and look after him. You protect him, you hear? You love him like he's the centre of your world. He took in a shaking breath, wiping the back of his hand under his eyes as a silence stretched out in the room. When Leon remained where he was, looking unsure, he snapped, "Just _go."_

After a moment's hesitation, Leon gave a curt nod. Without a word of thanks or even a goodbye he was gone, the ward doors swinging shut behind him. The only sound was Lukas' unsteady breaths, his chest heaving in an attempt to grasp normal breathing again, and Mathias leaning down to press a soft kiss to his forehead.

"What was that for?" he said thickly when Mathias pulled back, the blond's face now pressed into his neck. Mathias heaved a sigh, breath tickling his skin as he spoke in a low voice.

"I'm just- I don't know. Is _proud _the right word to use? I think so. You let Emil go. That's a big thing, Lukas, and I know you didn't want to do it. It was brave of you. In a way, it shows how much you love him."

"How? I let him go." Lukas' voice was miserable, tears still gathering at the corners of his eyes. He felt a failure; he couldn't keep anything. Not friends, not family, not Emil-

"If you truly love someone, you can let them go. If it's for their own good, you can let them go, even if it breaks your heart. That's what true love is." Mathias sounded thoughtful, melancholy even, and his arms encircled Lukas' waist, pulling the Norwegian back against his chest. "It's brave. I don't think I would be able to do it; I always seem to love people in a way that I'm too selfish to let them go, even if they'd be better off without me." He paused, and then his mouth twisted into a soft, sad smile. "I love you, Lukas."

"Shut up," Lukas said immediately, hands tightening around Mathias' wrists. "You don't." Because how could the Dane possible love someone like him? Mathias with his easy grin and sunny personality, and him with his bad temper and unappealing character; they'd been mismatched from the start. Mathias deserved someone better than him, much better.

"No, I do. I really do." Mathias' lips brushed against his cheek and, against his will, Lukas' eyes drifted shut with a sigh. "I have for a while, probably. It's like getting hit with a freight train, if I think about it- one minute you're fine and then _bam, _you're devoted to someone. You want to protect them. You want to wipe all their tears away. You want to punch whoever kicked over their sandcastle at the beach. Little things like that, really."

"You've only known me a month- you're deluded, Køhler. Go find someone healthy." He sounded bleak, and Mathias gave an irritated huff behind him. "You don't want to be stuck with someone like me. You could find someone so much better."

"Idiot," the Dane said fondly, trailing his fingertips along his collarbone. "I don't want someone else. You can be a douche sometimes, kind of rude, arrogant-"

"_Mathias-"_

"-overprotective, self-righteous and overly sarcastic," Mathias continued, unperturbed. "But you're nice. You're kind. You don't make it obvious, but when you love someone, you downright adore them. That Leon's got nothing on you." Lukas smiled faintly, and the blond pulled him into a tighter hug. "And I love you, very much. I don't know why, but there's just something about you that's plain _irresistible."_

"You really are an idiot. You call _me _arrogant? Try looking at yourself for once." Hesitantly, Lukas shifted in Mathias' arms, moving until his cheek was pressed against the Danish boy's chest and giving a wince at the tug on his IV line. "I care about you. I don't love you, though. I've known you for just a few weeks- I haven't had _time _to begin to love you. You don't even know my middle name."

"You have a middle name?" Mathias exclaimed, sounding amazed, and Lukas gave a soft sigh and a smile.

"It's Sigurd. My mother named me after her father and grandfather, and Emil after her uncle; we always used to joke that she couldn't be bothered to think up any original names."

"Lukas Sigurd Nilsen. Well, I know it now. It's cool." The Dane hummed something to himself, absently running a hand through Lukas' pale hair. "I don't have a middle name. I wasn't named after anyone, either. But I like action movies, spend my spare time baking pastries, have natural blond hair-"

"Shut _up." _Mathias appeared not to hear him and continued sniggering, until Lukas took hold of his face and smashed their lips together. Initially taken aback, the Dane soon smiled into the kiss as he reached up, stroking Lukas' face lightly. When they broke apart, Lukas struggling to catch his breath, he pressed his forehead against the Norwegian's.

"I love you, Lukas." He spoke in an undertone, voice a breathy whisper, and Lukas reached up to tentatively cup Mathias' face in his hand.

"Mathias. I care about you- I swear I do- but I'm not _in love _with you. I don't even know if I love you to begin with."

"That's fine." Lukas was taken aback at the ease in Mathias' voice, at the soft smile he was still wearing. "I didn't expect you to. You're a little slower than I am- I mean, you seem like you think about things before acting on them. But it's okay. I can wait for you."

"How long are you prepared to wait?" Lukas said, voice low, and traced the contours of the blond's face with a thumb.

"As long as it takes, Lukas."

After considering this for a moment, the Norwegian smiled faintly and pulled him into a soft kiss.

* * *

"Have you been eating properly?" Tino appeared sweet on the surface, yet Lukas felt uncomfortable at the stare the Finnish man had fixed on him.

"What kind of question is that?" His attempt to defend himself was weak, and Tino snorted derisively.

"That means no, then. You're so skinny; I bet Peter isn't far off your weight. You're supposed to get better in hospital- where's the doctor? They should give you more to eat-" He broke off suddenly, and then turned to Mathias with a newly suspicious tone. "You haven't been eating Lukas' food, have you, Mathias?"

_"No!" _the Dane said indignantly, holding his hands up in an act of surrender. "I've been trying to get him to eat my food! God, stop acting like his mother- where's Peter? Has he finally given up on you two?"

"At a friend's house," Tino replied, sighing heavily. "Don't call me a mother. You can't listen to him, he's _five,_ and you _know _we're using Daddy now. I'm not a woman, so he doesn't have to call me his mother."

"You act like you're his mother. Worry about him like one, too." Mathias grinned, ducking away from the Finn's playful swat. "Control him, Ber!"

Berwald didn't hesitate to reply, instead shaking his head stonily. "Can't. Yer annoyin' him- he's allow'd to." Tino's expression was triumphant, and as Mathias began to whine, Lukas could only watch the scene with some confusion. He could tell from just a few meetings that the Oxenstierna-Väinämöinen-Køhler family was bizarre. The Norwegian was distracted by the shifting movement beside him, and he resumed stroking the hair back from Emil's sleeping face. His brother's lean form was curled up at the end of his bed, and his head was in Lukas' lap; he'd fallen asleep fifteen or twenty minutes after arriving, apparently worn out and in need of a rest.

He'd arrived unexpectedly, and hugged Lukas without a word when he did. The Norwegian had been alarmed when Emil suddenly burst into tears, and could only pet the Icelander's head as the boy sobbed some nonsense about being sorry and loving him. It had been vaguely concerning to begin with, but Lukas was only pleased at the thought of having his brother back, Leon be damned.

"Quiet down. He's trying to sleep." Mathias and Tino glanced up at his hushed words, and the Dane grinned with delight at the sight of the two.

"So you're friends again? About time. You two have to be the most stubborn pair I've ever met."_  
_

"Looks like it," the Norwegian replied, a hand still running along Emil's peaceful face. "He hasn't said anything coherant, but he's here. Be grateful for the little things, you'd probably say."

"You're just about forgiven." Lukas glanced down at Emil's murmur, his violet eyes still closed and head buried in his lap. "Just don't mention it again." The platinum blond shook his head, a small smile twisting his lips as he continued stroking Emil's hair.

"I'm glad you're not bitching and fighting now," Mathias said lightly, making Lukas scowl as he sat beside him. With a grin, the Dane slid an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in for a kiss. A moment later the Norwegian half-heartedly responded, and it was Emil's turn to sit up with a disgruntled expression.

"You lecture me about dating someone, and then you kiss your boyfriend right in front of me?"

"It's because I'm gorgeous," Mathias mumbled, smirking as he slid a hand through Lukas' hair. "Your poor brother can't resist me." Berwald gave a snort, and Tino a small laugh at his words, but Mathias was frowning at Lukas when he pulled back. The Norwegian was breathing heavily, and his eyes were half-closed as he gripped onto Mathias' shirt for support. "Hey, what is it? Are you okay?"

Slowly, Lukas gave a hesitant nod. Silently, he laid his head against Mathias' chest, and the Dane wrapped his arms around him, eyes still narrowed. "I think you need some sleep. IV still in?" He checked it himself, and pressed a kiss to Lukas' hair. "You'll be okay."

With a yawn, Emil stood, and turned to Berwald and Tino. "How's your son? I expected to see him today."

"He's going to be disappointed when he finds out we were here without him," Tino said, smiling. "Peter's doing fine. He thinks he's able to teach Mathias' cat tricks- well, we're just leaving him to it, it's really best not to get involved with his schemes." The Finnish man paused, then turned his partner with a sly smirk. "Berwald does, though. He's the starring role in most of Peter's performances."

Emil turned to the Swede with raised eyebrows, and Berwald tried to maintain his composure. "Makes him happy- can't complain 'bout it."

"See, _this _is why I married him-"

Tino was cut off by a strangled gasp from Mathias, and the sound of frantic coughing. All three turned, eyes wide, to see the Dane grasping Lukas by the shoulders as the Norwegian's body wracked with coughs, his mouth covered by his hand.

"Mathias, what-" Tino was cut off as Lukas pulled his hand back, his shaking only accentuating what was there. Blood trailed from the edge of his mouth as he swallowed heavily, eyes wide with fear.

"Lukas, it's okay- you're going to be okay-" Mathias' voice was panicked, his grip on the Norwegian tight. "You're going to be fine, I promise, you're going to be fine-"

The Norwegian's eyes slid closed as he slumped against the Dane, Mathias' own pupils dilating with panic. "Lukas, look at me- _look_ at me-! Oh God. God, _no. _Berwald- get the doctor." When the Swede hesitated, briefly confused, Mathias' voice rose to a scream. "_Get him!_"

As Berwald strode from the room Mathias cradled Lukas' limp body, stroking a hand over his face as Emil gripped his wrist, voice high pitched with fear. "What's happened to him? What's wrong?" The Dane didn't reply, instead screwing his eyes shut and placing his forehead against the Norwegian's. Swallowing back his fear, Emil reached between the two and pressed his hand to his brother's chest, searching for a heartbeat.

Nothing.

"He's flatlined," Tino gasped, covering his mouth with a hand. "Is he- he's not breathing, Mathias, is he? _Mathias?"_

The Dane shook his head, mouth trembling as he tried to keep his composure. Emil felt sickened, dazedly moving to wipe away the blood leaking from Lukas' mouth with a sleeve. Behind him, the doors to the ward swung open once again, Berwald followed by several doctors and a defibrillator. Tino tugged the Dane's arm, but was ignored by the blond.

"Mathias, you have to let him go, let the doctors see him-"

"No." The word was spoken quietly, but Mathias' arms tightened around Lukas. "I can't. I _can't."_

"Mathias, _he is going to die." _They were all startled, glancing up at Berwald's cold words. "Let go of him. The doctors need to take care of him; you can't do anything for him. You can't save him."

The Danish boy stared at him for a moment longer, arrogant refusal conflicted with desperation in his eyes. Then he took his arms from around Lukas, his whole figure trembling, and allowed the doctors to take hold of the Norwegian themselves. Berwald grasped Emil's arm, offering comfort to the horrified Icelander, as Tino wrapped his own around Mathias' shoulders.

"It's going to be okay," he said softly, aware the Dane's eyes were following Lukas' still form being handled by the doctors, the tears gathering in the blue eyes. "He's going to be okay, Mathias. Just let the doctors do their work."

"Save him." Mathias' voice was a weak whisper, words directed towards the doctors themselves. "I don't care what happens to me. Just save him. _Please."  
_  
One of the doctors- the one who usually came to check on the two- turned, meeting Mathias' desperate gaze. Then he gave a slow, stiff nod, his eyes betraying nothing.

* * *

**I hope you readers out there don't hate me for this. On a lighter note, it's my sixteenth birthday tomorrow, May 5th! I used to be depressed about being born a day after Star Wars day, but cheered up when I found out I had the same birthday as both Luffy and Deidara.**

**Over ninety people follow this- please, if you're one of them, or even an anon reader, _leave a review_. It only takes a minute, but it brightens up my day something massive, and really pushes me to publish a great chapter more quickly. Thank you so much to the people who leave reviews- your feedback is always wonderful.**

**Thanks again, everyone. I never expected** **Hummingbird to receive the level of popularity it has, and it just astounds me. Tell your friends! This chapter is dedicated to smorfisk, my kohai denmarksbutt, and to all the people who've told me that this fic has cheered them up during time spent in hospital. Take care of yourself, guys. **

**-sascake**


	10. impossible dream

**impossible dream**

* * *

It was cold. So unspeakably, unbearably cold.

His very bones ached at the sensation, and he wished he could find a way to regain his heat. He could bury himself under a mound of blankets, clutch a hot water bottle to his chest, do _anything _to rid himself of the pain. It burned at his skin like an open flame, so white hot it seared him.

Dimly, he could hear the din around him, the voices clear without the frantic beating of his heart. There was those doctors again- he could recognise some calm, controlled voices, the usual tone they would adopt for their work. Amidst the high pitched whine of the machine and the doctors he could hear a familiar voice, and found himself taken aback at the desperate pleas he could hear. They were for him. They wanted _him _to get better.

_Charging, _came a cool voice. _Clear._

There was a thumping sort of noise through the static, and he frowned in distaste. The pleading voice was gasping for breath now, a soft reassurance coming from whoever was with them, and a quiet mutter broke through his subconscious.

_Nothing. Again. Clear-_

**Thump.**

"Please, please, let him live, let him _live-"_

Again_. Clear._

**Thump.**

"You have to save him, you have to- give him _my _heart, take mine, do anything to me-"

_This isn't working _came a soft voice, one of quiet insistence. _It's cruel. He's not going to respond. _It was a detached feeling, but he felt panic begin to well up inside of him. _Look at the boy- look at his weight. Even if we bring him back, it doesn't seem as if he'll survive if this happens again. His heart's giving out._

_We'll take it to five. If he hasn't responded by then, we'll stop. _The doctor's voice was a mutter but was clearly overheard by the others, and he could almost _feel _the desperate anger in the air.

"You can't _stop!" _the voice shrieked, fury lacing every syllable. "You have to bring him back! You have to save him!"

"Mathias, please-" Another voice interjected now, tone distressed as they tried to calm him. "You need to calm down, they're trying to save him-"

**Thump.**

"They're _not! _They're going to give up on him! You can't, you _can't- _Lukas, wake up! Wake _up! _Please, wake up- you have to- you can't leave! Lukas, _wake up!"_

_Last time, _came the grim tone, and Mathias' voice siphoned off into a cry of despair. _After this, we're agreed. Charging- clear-_

There was a deathly silence after the final shock of the defibrillator, only broken by Mathias' sobs. The head doctor turned away from the wide-eyed onlookers- the horrified blonds, weeping patient and white-haired boy with the tears silently running down his face, expression a mask of grief- to shake his head at the team. As he pulled back his sleeve, ready to announce the time of death, the heart monitor began beeping again with a bright, erratic rhythm.

All those present turned to stare at it, stunned, and Mathias lifted his head from Tino's arms, looking too afraid to hope. The doctor slowly lowered his arm, turning to face his colleagues with his voice betraying no emotion as he clasped Lukas' wrist.

"There's a pulse. We've got him back."

Mathias pulled himself from Tino's grasp with determination written over his features, but Berwald yanked him backwards and held him tight, ignoring his furious curses and pleas to be released. His hands were vainly clasping at the air at the retreating backs of the doctors, still reaching for Lukas even as he was taken out, now visibly breathing again as Mathias strained to reach him.

"Please, Berwald." His cousin glanced down at his words, Mathias' voice weak from his previous screaming. "Let me _go. _I need to see him. I need to be there for him!"

"You can't do anythin' for him." Berwald's voice held its usual sombre tone but was dusted with pity, making the Dane grit his teeth with anger. "Doctors'll bring him back. Just got t'check his cond'tion." Slowly, Mathias relaxed his body in Berwald's arms, and his arms fell limply to his sides. Tino watched the two, biting his lip anxiously, before turning to face Emil. The boy had been silent the whole time, and now the Finn looked, could see him standing with his head lowered and face stained with tears.

"Emil?" At his soft voice the Icelandic boy glanced up, eyes wary. Without another word, Tino held his arms out to him, but Emil hesitated. He'd picked up on the boy's behaviour, his attachment to Lukas; he wasn't one who would easily accept affection, and he regarded Tino with eyes as tense as any animal's.

With a sinking feeling, Tino realised that he was unused to such actions from anyone other than his older brother. Perhaps it was the scene that had just happened before him, or of the sixteen-year-old fully realising how young he was- the Finnish man couldn't be sure, but whatever it was, Emil stepped forwards and let the shorter man embrace him. He stood stiff and unresponsive in his arms, making no attempt to hug him back, until Tino felt the tears dripping onto his shirt and the sobs shaking Emil's thin shoulders.

"What did they mean," Emil whispered, voice thick with grief, "when that doctor said his heart was giving out? Did they-" He swallowed, and pulled back to look Tino in the eye with a desperate gaze. "Did they mean that he's going to die?"

Tino caught his breath, and wondered just how to answer him. They'd all heard the information- Mathias' shrieking had only increased after it- but none of them had breathed a word of its sinister undertones. He would have liked to lie, to pretend that the doctors had been speaking about the current situation, but felt his heart sink at Emil's wide, fearful eyes. He couldn't lie to the boy. He couldn't give him false hope.

"I don't know, Emil." He spoke tentatively, eager to keep the Icelander calm. "I'm not sure what they were talking about. But- but you have to prepare yourself." His violet eyes met Emil's own, and he could see the boy swallow heavily. "Lukas... might not get better. He's very ill. You know that, don't you?"

Emil nodded slowly, and Tino's pity was roused. He knew well enough that Lukas was Emil's only real family. Without thinking he pulled the Icelandic boy back into a hug, trying to offer him some comfort, and this time, felt Emil's arms slowly wrap around his torso.

Silently, Tino was filled with relief at Peter not being present to see what had happened.

A meter away from them, the Dane and Swede were sitting in silence. Mathias was still clutching one of Berwald's arms, holding it like a lifeline, and his cousin was reluctant to pull away from him. Glancing down, he could see Lukas' blood dried into his shirt, the red-brown stains at contrast with the pure white of the hospital gown. Mathias was staring sightlessly at the sheets, his previous hysteria reduced to empty white noise.

"Mathias-"

"I know it's selfish." The Dane cut over him, and his voice was small. "I'm thinking of myself. You know what I like- sometimes, I can be the most self-centred person in the world. But I want him to live. Not just for my sake, either: there's Emil. He needs Lukas too. I _know _I've only known him a short time, but I love him, Ber." He glanced up at his cousin, eyes shining with tears and his mouth in a wide, humourless smile, meeting Berwald's steady silence. "You know what love is like. You couldn't live without Tino, could you?"

"No," the Swede said quietly, and Mathias closed his eyes briefly. "No, couldn't live without him."

"It's the same for Lukas," he whispered, his free hand tightening into the sheets. "I would live without him, but it wouldn't be _living. _I'd have to go through each day knowing that the boy I loved died in front of me, and I couldn't do anything for him. It would be hell. I suppose it was stupid of me, wasn't it? Falling in love with someone who was so ill." Mathias tipped his head back, smile empty. "But he's not going to die. I'm not going to let him die. You saw him there- his heart stopped, and he came back. I'm going to do anything I can to make sure he's better. He's not going to die while I'm here."

Berwald's eyes met Tino's, and he could almost feel his partner's distress. One one hand, Emil was in tears, accepting the worst possible outcome, while Mathias was in his own pleasurable delusion. Berwald knew that the Dane refused to believe that Lukas was dying, instead preferring to ignore it and keep his own sanity.

_We have to do something. _The Swede read Tino's lips, the Finnish man too afraid to speak with Emil in his arms, and Berwald nodded. Tino's mouth twitched in a weak smile, and he gently stroked back Emil's hair with a gesture Berwald had seem him perform hundreds of times on Peter.

"I'm going to make him better, Berwald," Mathias repeated, eyes still closed. "Even if it means giving him my heart. Just you wait and see."

Neither Berwald nor Tino gave him a reply.

* * *

Lukas awoke to a dark ward, a new tube feeding into his nose, and his heart more panicked than ever.

For a moment he tried to assess his bearings, breathing quick and harried. His surroundings were dimly lit, and the fog in his mind told him that it had to be late at night, or very early morning. As his fingers flexed- their mobility stiff, muscles aching- he raised a shaking hand to his face, fingers dancing along the new tube as he tried to stay calm. His mind conjured up a black blur for the past few hours, and he started when he saw a figure kneeling by his bedside, head resting on his leg.

Who knows how long Mathias had been beside him, let alone asleep. The Danish boy's hair was flat, as if he had been running his fingers through it repeatedly, and his eyebrows were pulled together in a frown. It couldn't have been the most comfortable position to sleep it, especially given the bed beside him. With a jolt, Lukas realised that Mathias had disregarded these in favour of being by his side.

It was a fit of coughing that dragged him from his thoughts, and the Norwegian doubled over as he gasped for breath. His chest felt as though it was on fire but he froze, horrified, at the sight of the blood spattering onto the bedsheets as he retched-

"Lukas!" Mathias had awoken from his slumber, eyes wide, and he scrambled to his feet. The blond gripped his shoulders as he continued hacking and choking, pressing him forwards to prevent the blood from going back down his throat. Lukas clung to him, eyes filling with tears that were a mixture of both humiliation and pain, and Mathias whispered soothing words in his ear until the desperate fit was over.

"It's okay, Lukas. I'm here. Just take deep breaths, okay?" Blood was still trickling down his chin, and the Danish boy wiped it away with his fingers as he held a glass to Lukas' lips. He accepted it, but almost immediately spat out his mouthful of water. "Hey, what the hell-?"

"Tasted like blood," Lukas muttered, throat aching and voice raspy. "Couldn't swallow it." He wasn't quite able to meet Mathias' eyes. He knew that, if he glanced up, he would see the fear hidden behind his false hope. If Mathias wanted to convince anyone, he'd have to work on his prosthetic smile.

The Dane took a seat beside him on the bed, reaching over to take his hand. It was just about the only thing he could reach, Lukas noted dully- there was the tube kept taped to his face, various IV lines and wires to the heart monitor all obstructing his way, and there was a new wariness about Mathias. Gone was clambering into his bed and enveloping him in a tight hug. As well as the physical barrier, the other blond seemed hesitant to even handle him, as if Lukas was a china doll that could break at any moment.

"It stopped, didn't it?" Mathias glanced up at Lukas' bleak tone, at his lowered head and frightened eyes. "My heart stopped. I'm right, aren't I?" he added, picking up on the Dane's uncomfortable demeanour. "It stopped. It stopped _again."_

Mathias looked as though he wouldn't answer, but was alarmed at the sudden fear in Lukas' voice. There was no real way he would lie to him- sadly, he couldn't go against his love for the Norwegian, or the resulting fury that would come of Lukas discovering his deception. He was slow to respond, rubbing the back of one hand with the other and focusing his eyes on the back wall.

"...Yeah. It stopped."

Lukas let out a shrill gasp of a laugh. Mathias glanced up, alarmed, to see Lukas doubled over and shaking with mirth. The Norwegian spoke before he could, head bent and tears rolling down his cheeks. "Three times. Three times my heart's stopped. And I'm still here, still kicking around and unable to actually _fucking _die."

"Lukas-"

"The first time was my exam." Lukas spoke in a breathy rush, as if desperate to recount the facts to himself. "That was when I was admitted to hospital. That was when I found out I had arrhythmia. The second time- that was when you were pissing me off, right after we first met, when we were in the hospital. And it's happened _again." _He raised his head, the fear in his eyes contrasting with his wide, unsteady smile. "When's going to be the last time? When are they going to stop bringing me back?"

"Never," Mathias snapped, unsurprising to them both. "They're not going to stop until you're healthy again." His hand tightened, and the blond winced at his fingers crushing his bony hand. When Mathias spoke again, he tried to keep his voice steadier than before. "You just have to stay calm, Luke."

"My name is _Lukas!" _Sudden fury had overtaken the Norwegian, triggered by his panic and grief. "How the hell am I supposed to stay calm? I'm going to die!" Mathias looked taken aback, and Lukas scowled at him. "You know it's true, don't you? I'm going to die. I'm going to _die." _His voice broke off in a gasp, and he pressed a hand to his chest.

"You don't know that." Of the two, the Dane was attempting to be the one grasping at the straws for a calm atmosphere. "You're going to get better-"

"How? The surgery didn't work the first time round. I doubt it'll work a second. These damn drugs are doing nothing for me, and my heart- this thing that's trying to kill me- it's faster every day, and it keeps getting faster. I'm going to die, and no pretty words are going to hide it." His eyes filled with tears again, and he rubbed a sleeve impatiently across his face. "What's going to happen to Emil? He can't look after himself- I'm his only real family! I can't just _leave _him!" His voice broke, and Lukas' next words came out in a sob. "I can't leave _you."_

"You're not going to leave me." Voice still eerily calm, Mathias struggled to keep his composure as his hands tightened into fists. "If you did, you'd be the third person in my life to leave me. It's happened twice before, and I'm never going to let it happen again. There's a difference between something stupid like a break up and one of us dying. I love you more than anyone, Lukas, but I'd rather you _lived. _You're not going to die as long as I live. As long as I'm here, you're going to get better. And I've got a good fifty, sixty years ahead of me, and I intend to spend them with you."

"Mathias, you don't know that. I could be dead in a week. How many times did they have to shock me?" The Dane didn't reply, and Lukas' misery only grew further. "Tell me. How many-"

"Five," Mathias spat, tangling his hands in his hair as he tried to control his breathing. "It took five times to bring you back. They did it here, right in front of us. Oh God, Lukas, Emil was crying, he was crying his eyes out, and Tino was trying to comfort him. It was hell. Right in front of me, seeing you clinically _dead_, I knew what hell was. It was horrendous, and then they took you, and when you got back- I knew couldn't be away from you again. You've made me fall in love with you, Lukas, and it was both the best and worst decision of my life."

"You idiot. You insufferable, absolute idiot." Lukas' eyes slid closed, one hand rubbing his forehead as exhaled deeply. "You go and fall in love with someone seriously ill in hospital. Too right it was the worst decision of your life."

"It was the worst decision," Mathias said quietly, new calm gained, "because I'd have a fear in the back of my mind that you'd get worse, and one day, I might have to face up to a possibility of you getting really sick. But it was the best because I met you. I fell in love with an intriguing, beautiful creature, who convinced me that life didn't really suck after all. And someone I'd be able to help get better." He raised his head, and Lukas could now see his usual arrogant, proud smile. "I'll tell you again- as long as I'm here, you're going to be okay."

"You're a bastard," Lukas whispered, eyes slits of pain. With difficulty, mindful of his wires, he reached forwards and buried his face into Mathias' chest. "You deserve better than me. You deserve much better."

"I don't want better," he said simply, and leaned down to press a kiss to the Norwegian's lips.

Of course, things were never going to be able to stay so peaceful.

Mathias was abruptly woken the next day by the arrival of their doctor, who requested to speak to Lukas alone. It wasn't a request in practice- Lukas, now reliant on a wheelchair, was taken from the room before he could argue, the fear visible in his eyes. The Dane was left to sulk and worry in their ward for half an hour, and eventually fell asleep. He wasn't quite sure how he was able to, given the concern for Lukas wired into his brain, but thankfully avoided any nightmares of the Norwegian dying.

When he woke up, it was to the tears dripping on his face, smooth fingers running robotically through his hair. Frozen in his position, head on Lukas' lap, he glanced up to see the Norwegian staring down at him. His mouth was set in a tight line, a gesture that didn't reassure him in the slightest.

"You've been asleep for ages." His voice was an undertone, and Mathias swallowed. Something was wrong, very wrong, for Lukas to be acting in this way. He reached up and tentatively wiped away a tear with his thumb, the other blond minimally leaning into his touch.

"I was worried. Just fell asleep, I guess." Lukas gave a tiny snort, and Mathias pressed on. "What's wrong? Tell me." At Lukas' silence, he reached up and pulled him down, brushing his lips across his forehead. "Please, Lukas. I'm here. You can talk to me."

"I know." More tears were running down Lukas' face, yet he still wore his frozen mask. "I'm just sad."

"About what?"

"About dying."

His words hung in the air, as heavy as lead. The atmosphere couldn't have been tenser, Lukas' tears falling thick and fast, but Mathias was still trying to decipher his words. There must be a mistake. He'd taken any of the doctors words too true to heart, surely. The boy above him was breaking down, yet Mathias remained silent. He was exaggerating. The Norwegian seemed prone to it, whenever anything went slightly wrong.

"You're not dying."

"_Yes, _Mathias, I _am." _Lukas took in a shuddering breath, thin form shaking. "I'm going to die. I don't know when, but it's pretty much decided. And now I'm trying to work out what's going to happen when I'm gone. Who will look after the house. Who will keep an eye on Emil. Who will remember to pay the electricity bill every month."

"Stop being melodramatic, Luke." The weak humour in his voice faded at one look at Lukas. His deadened, defeated eyes gave way to something more serious than a dramatic joke.

"My ventricles are breaking down. The ablation surgery didn't work- if anything, it made my heart decline even further . My heart beats, at worst, nearly a hundred times a minute. You know what the doctor said?" Lukas leaned back, staring skywards, the tears drying as a smile played around the corners of his mouth. "He said it sounded as if my heart was humming. So fast it's _humming- _you know what he called me? He called me a hummingbird. Those little birds live for a few years, then die when they're still young- like me. My heart's going to kill me. It's shutting down, Mathias- they're _looking into other treatment options. There could be a miracle. They could find a pacemaker somewhere and see if I would survive surgery for it. _It's all the same bullshit. I'm going to die anyway." Lukas broke off in a gasping laugh, eyes watering. "It feels strangely pleasing to say it and know it's _true."_

"No. _No. _It isn't going to happen." Mathias pulled away from him, shaking his head resolutely Lukas watched him, chest aching with something other than his disease, as the Dane clutched at his hair with both hands. "You're not going to die."

"Mathias-"

"You're _not," _Mathias choked, burying his face in his hands. As Lukas remained in his position, eyes focused on the ground, Mathias took deep, steadying breaths in an attempt to stay calm. "Lukas, please don't. You're not going to die."

As if in response, Lukas slowly took a tissue from the pocket of his hospital gown and held it up to show Mathias the blood spatters covering it.

"I am going to die," he said calmly, emphasizing his words with a steady gaze only blighted by the tears he tried to hold back. "My heart's going to fail, and I'm going to die in this hospital. I- I'm sorry, Mathias. You really should have fallen in love with someone that had a healthy heart, because mine is going to give up on me, unless there is some ridiculous miracle like they suggested." His voice shook, but he pressed ahead again. "I'm sorry. If there's one thing I didn't want to do, it was to hurt you."

"I would have thought your first priority was to not _die." _Mathias seemed close to tears, alarming the Norwegian, but the Danish boy raised his head with a strangely blank look present. "I'm not going to let it happen. I've said it over and over again, but it's true. You'll live, Lukas. You're going to live."

Lukas stared at him for one long moment, gaze pitying. Then he rolled over in bed, his back facing the Dane, and trailed fingers along the line in his nose.

"I'm going to try and sleep. My head hurts."

He made no complaint when Mathias, after several minutes hesitation, pressed his body against his own thin one and hooked an arm around his waist. The Dane silently offered both heat and support while he took some comfort in the Norwegian actually being in his arms.

On the first day after that, he began coughing up copious amounts of blood again. It wasn't explained very well, probably to keep them calm- the vague reasoning was that blood was somehow ending up in a position that it could drip from his mouth- and Mathias offered to do the nurses' job himself. Two o'clock found him dutifully wiping the blood from around Lukas' mouth and chest and holding him while he shook from the cold his body produced.

On the second day, Lukas continually vomited and was physically unable to keep any food down for the entirety of the day. His weight marked at ninety-six pounds, the doctors could think of nothing to do but water down the liquid in his feeding tube, and Mathias held him through the pain of it being reinserted.

On the third day, Berwald had to leave the ward after Emil broke down, the Icelandic boy sobbing onto his brother's shoulder and telling him that he loved him. Tino averted his eyes, irrational shame present on his features as Lukas stroked Emil's back in smooth, comforting movements, pressing a kiss to Emil's forehead and telling him that he loved him, too.

On the fourth day, the doctors came with the news that a pacemaker may become available, but they would have to wait until they were certain Lukas would survive the surgery. Tino had become furious and insisted that Lukas needed it as soon as possible, and had to be escorted from the hospital premises because of his refusal to sit back and be quiet.

On the fifth day, after watching Lukas staring at the ceiling, tears running down the pale face, Mathias had had enough.

* * *

"Lukas, wake up." Someone was shaking him, trying to be gentle yet failing with their urgency, and Lukas cracked one eye open with a disgruntled frown. Through the gloom he could see Mathias, the boy frantically trying to waken him and seemingly fully dressed already.

"What do you want?" The Norwegian couldn't hide his irritated tone, voice weak. It was- what, three in the morning? What the hell did that idiot want? Mathias only grimaced, giving his arm another tug. His regulation hospital gown had been discarded in favour of actual jeans and a shirt, and Lukas' confusion only grew at the sight of him.

"You need to get up. Come on, you need to hurry- don't make a fuss, otherwise the nurses will come running. Believe me, that's the worst thing that could happen." Obediently, Lukas sat up in bed, tiredness resounding through his bones as he watched Mathias bustle about. Even as he watched, the Dane was packing a bag, hunting through his bedside cabinet for things to throw in. Sliding his fairy tale book into the bag, he noticed Lukas was awake and tossed him a pair of trousers and jumper.

"Change into those. Wait a second- no, let me help you." Dropping the bag, Mathias instead reached over to the monitors by Lukas' bedside. The Norwegian watched, amazed, as he first unplugged the switches and then pulled the lines from his body with deliberate care. "If you pull them out before switching them off, the nurses will hear. We're got to be quiet, Lukas. Can you get the rest of the tubes and wires out yourself?"

"Probably- but why?" Lukas whined, reluctant to get up at such a time. "How early is it?"

"Five in the morning," Mathias replied tersely, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "Come _on- _the next shift starts at half five, and we need to be out of here before then. You can walk, right? A wheelchair will just slow us down-" He thought for a moment, then sighed heavily. "I'll carry you if I have to. Get changed."

"You-" Lukas glanced down at the clothes in his hands, frowning. These were _his _clothes, ones he'd left behind when he was admitted into hospital- he looked up at Mathias, stunned. "You're planning on leaving here, aren't you? You're- _we're- _going to leave the hospital?"

"That's the general idea." Under normal circumstances the Dane would have looked smug, yet the tired frown etched into his face showed no signs of humour. That was when Lukas realised that he was serious, and that they were actually _leaving. _"Don't look so worried. I have your medication, phone, the hospital on speed dial; we just have to get out to begin with, and time isn't our friend."

"You're an idiot." Under Mathias' glare, the Norwegian quickly dressed, movements unsteady with his lack of exercise. His companion winced at the sight of his protruding ribcage and narrow waist, and Lukas hastily pulled his jumper over to cover them. "Why on earth are you doing this? It's so risky, not to mention ridiculous-"

"It's for _you." _Mathias' quiet, honest voice had him suddenly humbled, humiliated even, and Lukas fixed a wary gaze on him. "Things have been shit for you recently. I thought that if I could get you out of here that you'd be happier, even just for a little while. I can't risk more than a day, but it's all I'm gonna need. Do you want to?"

"Have you even planned this?" Lukas tried to keep the misery from his tone, and Mathias smiled slightly.

"Tino and Berwald are waiting outside. Emil should be with them- he's the one that got me the clothes for you. We need to go past the nurses office- the ones who work night shift usually watch reruns of _Jerry Springer _right around now. There's a fire exit we can leave by, since security would jump on us if we used the reception. You're coming to my house for the day. Berwald's been practising his poker face for if the hospital come round calling: not that he needs to, but just in case." Mathias bit his lip, looking hopeful. "Are you up for it?"

Lukas was silent for a moment, contemplating. Even he knew that it wasn't a good idea to up and leave when he was in such a condition. Yet the blank, sparse walls around him were making him no better, and even he had gone through the dream of escaping once or twice. His gaze drifted to Mathias, the Dane's arm extended out towards him in an inviting gesture.

After a brief hesitation, the Norwegian reached out and took his hand.

It took them a good fifteen minutes to take a five minute walk, Lukas being almost dragged along by Mathias as the Dane urged him to keep going. He seemed eager to leave as soon as possible, while Lukas stopped for breath every few minutes, leaning against a wall while Mathias' nerves were reduced to shreds. They were nearly caught once, and Lukas covered Mathias' mouth with a hand until the nurse passed by in the next corridor. It would be clear to anyone, medically trained or not, that the two weren't supposed to be out bed, let alone leaving at such a time. Despite their clothes, Lukas' hung from his thin frame, and his skin had a deathly pale pallor.

They both breathed a sigh of relief when they finally reached the fire exit, stumbling into the freezing morning air. Their breath frosted before them, and Mathias tugged the Norwegian towards the waiting car, the headlights illuminating the darkness as Emil got out. Worry was written across his face as he approached them, and after giving Lukas a brief, surprising hug, helped him into the back seat. Tino turned from the front seat, his violet eyes wide as he spoke.

"Are you okay? No one noticed you leaving, did they?"

"No," Mathias replied, hooking an arm around Lukas and pulling him close, to his protests, "but we'd better leave already. They're going to notice we're missing before long and raise the alarm, and I'd _really _rather spend the day at home than getting yelled at. I guess Berwald's at home?"

"Well, we'd hardly leave Peter by himself. Anyway, I'm the faster driver. Just hang in there!" Tino grinned, turning around again and starting the car. Lukas was sandwiched between his brother and Mathias, head resting on the Dane's chest while a hand soothingly ran the length of his back, tracing the curve of his spine. Emil reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, his lips twitching into a smile.

"I knew Tino was coming to pick me up, but I didn't realise that it was going to be so early."

"So you all knew about this, and I was the last to find out?" Lukas' tone was irritated, but Mathias seemed unfazed. "And what would have happened if I decided not to leave?"

"We knew you'd want to." Now that they were out of the hospital, Mathias appeared to be more cheerful with the Norwegian securely in his arms. "Would you have wanted to stay in hospital? Come on, Luke, I know you. Wait until you see my room!"

Lukas' only response was a snort and weak punch at the broad chest, and his eyes slid closed to the sound of the blond's soft laugh.

It soon became clear that he'd have to cling to Mathias, as Tino drove like a maniac. He may have been the faster driver, yet Lukas couldn't help but wish Berwald- who seemed calmer in practice than his partner- had been the one to pick them up. The Swede was waiting for them when they arrived, fully dressed yet exhausted. This might have been because of Peter bouncing on his lap, talking at a mile a minute despite it being nearly six in the morning. Mathias had been helping Lukas into the house, but yelped and nearly dropped him at the child running into him and wrapping his arms around his knees. Tino laughed, bypassing them to kiss Berwald, and Emil disappeared in the direction of the kitchen without another word.

"You're home!" Peter craned his neck to look up at Mathias, face full of excitement. "You've been away forever!" As Mathias leaned down to ruffle his hair, grinning broadly, Peter seemed to notice Lukas for the first time. "Why's your friend with you? Did you both leave the hospital? Did you run away? Are the police looking for you?"

"Nothing like that, kiddo. I'm only here for today. But you're going to have to let go; I've got to help Lukas, okay? He's still sick, so I have to look after him." Despite his whine, Peter reluctantly let go of Mathias, and the Dane readjusted his grip on the Norwegian. "Come on, come upstairs- you can get a sit down while you're there."

"I'm not completely dependent on you, you know. I can walk myself." Lukas' voice was stern, but his knees almost buckled on the stairs. He scowled at Mathias' unamused expression, but let the other blond take his arm again. "I don't get it. How come my heart means I can't walk?"

"Basic high school biology class, Lukas. Your bad heart has been affecting other parts of your body, your low weight has been making your bones and muscles weak... hey, I had to pass the subject somehow." Mathias flashed him an arrogant smile as they reached the top of the stairs, and pushed open the first door on the left. "My humble abode- hey, _Hamlet! _I've missed you, boy!"

As Mathias was distracted by the large cat meowing for attention, Lukas took the opportunity to glance around the room. He'd expected the Dane to have a messy bedroom, yet the room seemed fairly neat- either Mathias had another hidden trait, or one of his guardians had tidied in his absence. The Norwegian stepped over to the bed and sat down heavily, fingers running over the red stitching, and Mathias soon sat by his side, leaning back and sighing heavily.

"It's good to be out of there, right? I swear, I could die happy right here, back in my own bed..." He reached over to tug at Lukas' arm, and he slid down in bed until he was pressed against Mathias' side, head tucked under his chin. Fingers running through the pale hair, the Dane spoke up again. "I love you, Lukas."

"You might have mentioned that once or twice." Lukas wrapped an arm around the Dane's waist, eyes closing against his will. "It's too early. Be my pillow while I sleep, all right?"

"Lu-_kas, _no fair!" Mathias whined, sounding like a petulant child as he shifted on the bed. "You were supposed to spend the day with me, not _sleep! _You sleep for like twelve hours at the hospital anyway!" He fell silent at Lukas' lack of reply, his chest rising and falling with rhythmic breaths. The blond sighed again, reaching over to grab a blanket and wrapped it around them. He might have been annoyed, but he wasn't prepared to wake the Norwegian up, both due to sympathy and the fear of Lukas attacking him. Mathias settled back the headboard, humming to himself as he let Lukas sleep against him.

If it made the Norwegian happy, who was he to stop him?

It became clear several hours later, to no real surprise from Lukas, that Mathias hadn't exactly planned anything to do for the day. "Hey, the whole thing was sneaking you out of the hospital, not writing a damn list," he said, rolling his eyes and pushing Lukas' hair out of his eyes. "What do _you _want to do? And don't you dare say sleep, because I'm not going to let you do that, unless it involves having sex."

The Norwegian simply blinked at him, taken aback. "That escalated quickly. You know that people's heart rate usually increases while they're having sex?" He continued at Mathias' nod, rolling onto his back with a smirk tugging at his thin lips. "My heart's beating too fast as it is. Chances are, you'd kill me if we had sex. Do you really want that on your conscious?" He didn't expect Mathias to actually pause and think for a moment, before shooting him a sly grin.

"Just another thing to look forward to for when you get better, then." He leaned over and kissed his cheek, fingers brushing along his cheek. Lukas wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him down to his level, deepening their kiss as a hand trailed along his abdomen. To the Dane's disappointment, any more developments were cut off by Emil walking in unannounced, trying his hardest to avoid looking at the two as he spoke.

"The hospital called. They noticed you were missing." His voice was casual, but Lukas pulled away from Mathias with a wary expression. "It's okay, though- Tino took the phone and pretended to cry and panic that you were gone, so they just apologised for losing you and promised to keep an eye out for if either of you returned. They think you left voluntarily, and it looks like they're blaming Mathias... I guess they won't show up here, then."

Mathias decided that the best response to this news was to grab Lukas and begin kissing him again, and Emil quickly left with his cheeks flaming. After a moment, Lukas pulled back with a scowl. "Can we do something more than kissing? No, not _that- _I don't know you all that well. You could be a serial killer for all I know, especially since you've lured me to your house. Tell me a little more about yourself, Mathias."

"Oh. Well, okay." Seemingly surprised, Mathias sat back with Lukas' head once again resting on his shoulder. "What do you want to know?" From his words, Lukas could get that he wasn't into the whole talking-about-his-feelings crap.

"Your favourite colour. Favourite food. Things about yourself. Best memory. Interests. All that emotional crap people usually come out with."

"I wouldn't expect you to be interested in those type of things," the Dane replied, grinning and pressing a brief kiss to his cheek. "My favourite colour's red, obviously. I like just about any type of meat. I'm failing Chemistry, my best subject is History, I'm on the school football team- well, occasionally, depending on how my heart is. I'm tone deaf, according to the school music teacher and Berwald. I like reading in my spare time, but I usually don't tell the guys in school, because... well, they all think it's kind of stupid. I have a reputation to keep, y'know? I'm pretty sure some of the nerds at school have noticed me sitting in the library, but they probably think I'm looking at picture books and can't actually read." Lukas laughed suddenly, surprising himself, and Mathias appeared to be pleased. "Oh, and my best memory's the time Berwald first brought Peter home."

"Really?" Lukas glanced up at him, finding himself smiling. "Tell me about it." Mathias complied, arms tightening around him as he thought aloud.

"Well... it was, what, like five years ago? Berwald got his high school girlfriend pregnant- yes, _Berwald- _and convinced her to keep the kid if he could look after it. He got a job in his dad's company and didn't sleep for about a month making a baby crib, and all I remember is that he worked constantly to make enough money to look after a kid. It was the second of September, and he phoned my mother to tell her that he had a son, and he'd bring him round that week. This was before he met Tino- he'd saved up to get a house by himself, and before you ask, I've _no _idea how he did it. But, seriously, he turned up with this little baby a few days later, and it was so goddamn sweet, Lukas. Yeah, I'll say it," he added, nudging him playfully at the Norwegian's snort, "it was _sweet. _Wouldn't let any of us hold him, and wouldn't put him down. Seems like he didn't trust me with his son. It wasn't the best circumstances, but he really loves him. It helped that Tino was Peter's babysitter, too."

"It's a nice story," Lukas commented, nestling closer to him. "I didn't expect you to say something like that. You've got a hidden side, Mathias."

"_Please, _I'm always nice. Now it's your turn. I've shown you my heart, now show me yours."

"Really?" The Norwegian grimaced as Mathias laughed, then gave a heavy sigh. "Fine. My favourite colour is blue. I like fish. I'm not failing any of my subjects. I'm not tone deaf. I play the violin. I'm in the school orchestra. My best memory is the time Emil threw a temper tantrum when our mother wouldn't let him take Mr Puffin out with us. She decided to take us shopping- I've no idea why she brought us along- Emil was about six, and he'd just gotten the puffin. I don't particularly like the bird, but he started crying when she tried to make him leave it in the house, so I joined in until she gave up and let him bring it. Believe me, seeing him freak out was hilarious in hindsight."

"You, crying so Emil would get his way? God, you love that kid." Mathias' soft breaths were tickling his neck, and he tightened his arms around him. "Cute, though. I wouldn't expect to see Emil throw a tantrum. Was it funny?"

"Very. Anything else you want to interrogate me with?"

"Uh..." The Dane thought for a moment, brow furrowed. "Are you opposed to the thought of having any children?"

Lukas blinked slowly, taking in his words and then frowning. "Is this a serious suggestion that you want children with me? No wonder you're failing science- I don't know if it's escaped your notice, but men can't have children together, and I've only known you-"

"Yeah, yeah, we've been through this before," the Dane interrupted, waving his words off indifferently. "And _duh, _I'm not_ that_ much of an idiot. I meant adopting in the future. We could raise a little Mathias Junior, and he'd be the greatest kid with the best parents... wait, are there any names for girls you like? 'Cause a girl would be good too- I could build her a Lego princess castle, and have tea parties with her, and buy her all the nicest dresses... whatever, I want a few. Sounds good, right?"

"You've put way too much thought into this," Lukas deadpanned, shaking his head in wonderment. He'd only met him weeks ago, and here he was, planning future _children._ "I think one of you is quite enough to handle. No, thank you."

"But you obviously liked Emil when he was a kid." Mathias was pouting, a sure sign he was irritated with the Norwegian for not getting his way. "If you loved your little brother, why not your own child?"

"Because Emil is quiet and well behaved. I'm not prepared to look after a version of you that cries more and causes even more trouble. At least you can take care of yourself, though that can be debated."

"Fine then. I'll just look for a kid that's a little version of Emil. You can't complain then!" Mathias appeared to ignore most of his words, and Lukas sighed heavily. "I'll persuade you some other time. There's something else, too. Do you love me?"

Lukas rolled his eyes at Mathias' soft, earnest words. "We've been through _this_ a few times too, Mathias."

"Yeah, but I want to you _say_ something about it." It should have been illegal for the Dane to be pressing kisses along his neck while he spoke, because he was clearly trying to change Lukas' judgement while he was distracted. It was working, too.

"I love you. I'm not in love with you, but I love you as more than a friend. Are you happy now?" Lukas' voice was faintly irritated, but he made no move to pull away from his caresses.

Mathias was silent for a long moment, then moved to cup Lukas' face in his hands as he drew him into a kiss. "Very."

* * *

Barely an hour later, Mathias had to hold Lukas over the sink after he began coughing again, and it was obvious to both of them that he was getting worse. The blood splatters covering the white enamel after twenty minutes straight of gasping for breath were proof of that. The Norwegian shrugged off the concerns of the others and insisted that he only needed to lie down for a while, and Mathias dutifully obeyed his wishes, just relieved that Lukas had accepted taking his medication.

As morning stretched into afternoon, the rest of the day mainly consisted of Mathias reading to him, and Lukas trying to decipher the Dane's mood decreasing from his previous delight to a more melancholy, depressed state. Everything culminated later that afternoon, with Lukas motionless and curled into Mathias' figure while he read in a slow, hesitant tone.

"Then it joined in the song of the angels, who surrounded the throne- some near, and others in a distant circle, but all equally happy..." Mathias had been struggling to make his way through _The Angel, _occasionally stopping to swallow and take a deep breath before continuing. His calloused fingers brushed through Lukas' hair and despite his overwhelming exhaustion, the Norwegian fought to stay awake. He couldn't sleep again. Not today. Not here with Mathias, with the Dane trying so hard to make him happy. It was clear to see Mathias' efforts to give him a peaceful day, his fight to make his way through the book, while his composure was so plainly breaking down.

"They all joined in the chorus of praise, both great and small- the good, happy child, and the poor field-flower, that once lay withered and cast away on a heap of rubbish in a narrow, dark street-" Lukas flinched as a droplet of water hit his face and glanced up at Mathias in alarm. His eyes widened to see the tears running silently down the Dane's face, and the soundless sobs racking his frame.

It was the first time Lukas had seen him cry, and the first time he had seen Mathias look so vulnerable.

"Mathias, what is it? What's wrong?" At his concerned tone the Dane dragged a hand carelessly under his eyes, shaking his head.

"You pick all the sad ones. Kids dying- really, Lukas?" Mathias attempted a smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. It was all too easy to see the misery hiding behind it. "You could have picked something- I don't know, happier?"

"Most everything Hans Christian Andersen writes is sad." Lukas rolled his eyes in exasperation at Mathias' words, but he felt his stomach twist painfully. "And what's the point in reading something happy? It's not- well. It's not really reflecting how things are at the moment." The shake in his voice was clear to both of them, and Lukas swallowed heavily before continuing. "We both keep talking about when I get better, but we don't talk about me _not _getting better.

"It could happen. I've been getting worse, and we both know it, even if you don't want to talk about it. It's basically inevitable now. Mathias, I could, and am probably going to die." His breathing quickened, and Lukas pressed a hand to his chest as he felt his heart pound. He was interrupted by Mathias placing a hand to the side of his face, fingertips digging into his cheek.

"For all you've said about it, you still don't seem to realise that Emil isn't the only one you'd leave behind, Lukas." Sky-blue eyes roved over the Norwegian's face as Mathias gripped his face in both, forcing Lukas to meet his gaze. His eyes still red, Lukas caught his breath at the determination written into the Dane's expression. "If you died, you'd leave Tino, Berwald- and me. I'd lose you too. I don't _want_ to lose you. I'm going to help you get better, I swear. I'll do anything I can to make you well again."

"You can't work miracles, Mathias," Lukas whispered, gripping the Danish man's wrists and looking him in the eye. "You can't make me better just by wishing it to happen. I know you want to, but you can't do anything to make me better."

His words finally seemed to have their effect on Mathias, and the blond's face crumpled as the full magnitude of the situation hit him. Lukas reached up just as Mathias drew him into a bone-crushing hug, arms locked around him and sobbing onto the Norse man's shoulder. Lukas felt his composure slip as he grasped Mathias' shirt, burying his face into his neck.

For several minutes the two remained in their position; Mathias' grief pouring from him in gasps and sobs while Lukas remained silent, letting his tears run quiet oil slicks down his cheeks. The Norwegian held so close to the Dane that their chests were pressed together- one improving heart beating alongside a failing one, the most unfair of occurrences. They should _both _be healthy, both full of health and vitality and life-

"I'll make you better," Mathias whispered, the words ghosting over his skin. "I promise you, I'll make you better. You're going to get better, Lukas, you're going to get better, I promise- you're not going to die, I won't _let _you die-"

"I'll try." Exhaling heavily, Lukas pressed his face into the soft flesh of Mathias' neck. "I'll try, for you. For Emil, for Tino, for Berwald- I'll try and get better. I'll do it for you."

"Good." Drawing back, the Norwegian could see Mathias' mouth shaking. "You do that. I wasn't planning on letting you do anything other than that." Pulling him close again the two remained clinging to each other, Lukas' frail arms around Mathias' neck as silent tears slid down the Dane's face. They remained that way, Mathias pressing kisses to Lukas' forehead and wiping away his tears, until the Norwegian spoke again.

"_The Ugly Duckling_."

"What?" Lukas raised his gaze to meet Mathias' confused expression, tears swimming behind the blue eyes as he whispered his next words.

"Everything turns out okay in that one. He lives happily ever after."

Mathias stared down at him for a few moments, speechless. Then he gave a stiff nod, opening the book and flicking to the chapter with his mouth a firm line of determined composure. Lukas remained clinging to him, drawn close to the broad chest with one of the Dane's arms tight around him and his still hooked around Mathias' neck. He settled his head back, ear pressed to Mathias' chest as the blond began reading again; listening to his heart, and pleading his own better.

* * *

"He doesn't look well, Mathias." Tino peered anxiously at Lukas, clearly fretting over his appearance. The Norwegian was leaning into Mathias' side at the dinner table, the Dane's arm wrapped around him as he struggled to keep upright. His concentration was dwindling as his breathing grew steadily more raspy- he didn't need to look through Tino's eyes to know how ill he must have appeared, and even more so than usual. He pitied Tino having gone to the effort to make them dinner because, right now, it seemed as if he'd have to leave before it was even served. It was obvious to them all that he was going to have to back before long.

"I _know," _Mathias hissed to the Finn, tightening his arm around Lukas protectively. "He's been out for twelve hours. I've given him his medication, it should keep him going for a while longer-"

"How are _you _feeling?" Tino cut over Mathias, his tone full of concern as he eyed the blond sceptically "You're going to have to go back soon, both of you. You insist that you're fine but you're ill too, Mathias." The Dane scoffed at his words, while Emil leaned over to brushed back Lukas' hair in a worried fashion. Tino added, "You're both unwell, and we all know today was risky- we should get Lukas back before he gets any worse-"

"God, just shut _up _about it!" His bark made them all jump, Lukas' eyes cracking open to see Mathias scowling at Tino. "I know I was taking a risk taking him out, but he's _really _sick, Tino, and I wanted to make him _happy. _You know how depressing it is stuck in that hospital, with the whole place stinking like bleach when they try to cover the smell of decay? He's been miserable, and I couldn't stand seeing him so upset. I wanted to give Lukas one good day, while-" Breaking off, it was apparent that Mathias couldn't form the words, and trailed off in a pathetic whisper instead. "Before he gets better properly." The Dane lowered his head, eyes screwing shut as Berwald shrugged away from the counter, moving to pat Tino's shoulder in a comforting manner.

"Ah'll take 'em back. Better get back b'fore they get worse." The Finn nodded absently at his words, reaching up to stroke Berwald's cheek robotically. The Swede extended a hand to Mathias and after a moment of glaring at him, Mathias took his hand reluctantly, pulling Lukas along with him. Lukas remained clinging to him for support, his legs feeling as heavy and unresponsive as lead. Beside him, Emil grasped his free arm, offering help to Lukas if needed. Sandwiched between the two Lukas was able to make it out to Berwald's car, and Tino came out to say goodbye as he nestled in the back seat, back pressed to Mathias' chest with the Dane's arms wrapped around his abdomen.

"I'm glad you made it out today, Lukas." Tino swallowed, apparently considering what to say next. "Just... just try and get better, all right? We're all waiting on you. When you leave hospital- and hopefully _well _next time- I'll have some salted liquorice for you!" Attempting a smile, Tino leant forwards and kissed Lukas' cheek lightly, making the corners of his lips twist up. "Please get better, Lukas. For us."

"I'll try," Lukas whispered, summoning up the strength to give Tino a small smile. "I'll see you soon, Tino. Thank you for today."

"Think nothing of it. It's all we could do for you." Voice warm, Tino stepped back and shut the car door, evidently trying to keep himself cheerful.

"We'll be there soon," Mathias whispered, one hand moving to grasp hold of Lukas' as he pressed a kiss to the other boy's head. "I know you don't want to go back, but I don't want you to get any worse. I _can't _let you get any worse."

"I know," Lukas said tiredly, tightening his hand around the blond's, "you've said so several times. But Mathias... thank you for today. I-" He took a steadying breath, then continued in a trembling voice. "I didn't think anyone would ever care about me so much."

"Why would you think that?" Mathias' tone was lightly teasing, his grip on the Norwegian tight and secure. "You're perfect, Lukas."

"I'm not perfect. I'm nowhere near perfect."

"Maybe not. But in _my _eyes you are, and that's the most important part to me."

Lukas' response was letting his head fall back onto Mathias' shoulder and pressing a kiss to his collarbone, before twisting and pushing himself securely against the other boy's body. Mathias' eyes met Emil's over his head, and the Icelandic boy bit his lip as he turned to stare out of the window.

Berwald dropped them off just outside the hospital entrance, so that it wouldn't be obvious where they had been. Emil seemed reluctant to leave them behind, yet merely told his brother that he'd see him tomorrow. This was acceptable enough- Lukas had barely seen him that day, but guessed that Emil was struggling with the new breakdown in his condition. Helped along by Mathias, they made it into the reception, and were nearly deafened by the nurses when their arrival was noticed.

As Mathias had previously predicted, they were given the dull talk of how-could-you-leave-especially-in-your-condition, and both promised to remain in the hospital under released by a medical team. The Dane's mood seemed to have decreased again, and later that night, an irate nurse sitting outside their ward after reattaching their wires and monitors, spoke into the darkness.

"They're probably going to move us." Mathias' voice was a pained whisper, his eyes tightly closed and figure still on the bed. "The nurses. They won't want it happening again, so they'll move one of us. It's going to be me- I was the one who instigated it, and they won't want-"

"-my heart to get worse," Lukas finished, voice low. He'd been given the expression, too- the staff had all watched them warily, clearly noticing that they didn't have the usual relationship between patients. "I could always threaten to take out out my lines. They'll want to hold off me dying, and they'd only get upset if I bled to death." Mathias gave a strange noise, somewhere between a snort of laughter and a sob, and Lukas tried to pull himself into a sitting position at the sound. "I'll come over-"

"Don't," Mathias said immediately, cutting the Norwegian off from his attempts, "I'll come to you. You _can't _take them out, Lukas, not for me. I've done enough harm to you today." It wasn't with his usual precision that Mathias pulled his IV out, giving a harsh sound of pain as he did so, but in seconds he was by Lukas' side. He shifted over as the other blond clambered into bed, and the Dane seemed almost too afraid to touch him, too afraid to shatter his fragile form.

"You can touch me, you know." Mathias meet his eyes at his quiet voice, Lukas' dark blue eyes focused on him. "I'm not going to break if you touch me."

"Really?" he said hollowly, one hand reaching out to tentatively stroke his face. "You were small when I met you- I mean, you have to be a good head shorter than me- but you've gotten so thin. I'm worried that I'll accidentally hurt you, and Lukas, I _never _want to do that to you. You're everything to me, you hear?"

"Dramatic as always, Mathias." Lukas took the first move, wrapping his arms around Mathias and burying his face into his chest as the other blond snaked his own arms through the tangle of wires. "I know. You won't hurt me. And today- Mathias, it was wonderful of you. You didn't have to do it, especially not for me. When I first met you, I thought that you were just your regular annoying asshole, but you're a _good person. _Maybe, if you gave me half the opportunity, I really would fall in love with you." Lukas could feel Mathias' lips curve into a smile under his fingers, and the Dane leaned down to press a kiss to his head.

"I didn't get through half the stuff I wanted to do with you today. I'm sorry- it was kind of a wasted journey. But I promise you, the minute you get better, I'm going to take you out and just have a day to us. Sounds good, right?" Anyone could have picked up on the hopeful tone in his voice, and Lukas found himself smiling sadly.

"Of course. Today was good, though. I enjoyed it. After all, I did find out about your plans for your children, even if they are half-assed and impractical."

"Hey, they're better than anything _you _could come up with." Yet again, Mathias appeared to be ignoring the possibility of Lukas not living long enough to raise children, but the Norwegian pushed these thoughts from his head and settled against his chest, listening to the Dane's humming.

"I thought you said you were tone deaf?"

"I am. Humming doesn't require any particular skills."

"I like it, though. It's calming."

In that moment, Lukas was able to forget his failing health and dying heart in favour of falling asleep in the arms of the boy he loved, his last waking memory being that of Mathias pressing another slow, gentle kiss to his face.

* * *

**Thank God I finally finished this. Eleven thousand freakin' words, and the longest thing I've ever written. You guys better review :I I feel kind of cruel saying that, because the response to the last chapter was _incredible. _You've no idea how happy it made me, guys- I nearly cried! Thank you for all the birthday messages too~ Please, please leave a review this time around. There's only two more chapters after this, and I really want to hit 200 reviews for this chapters. Also, I've been getting a lot of anon messages on tumblr- please, never feel like you can't talk to me! You're all so kind, and I'm just overwhelmed by how wonderful you all are.**

**On a side note, I read The Fault In Our Stars this week. To be honest and overwhelmingly ironic, it wasn't really my sort of thing, though the plot twist threw me.**

**Also asdfghjkl DYING. DenNysgerrige (that-odd-guy on tumblr) drew me fanart for this ;_; He's my senpai (okay, admitting it now) and when he messaged me I died. There's a link on my profile! Also, check out his fic _House Of Glass, _because he's one of those people who can make both beautiful art and literature sob. I'd also check out Shyrgasse's work if I were you- I'm betaing the next chapter of _Addict, _and you're going to find some really wonderful fanfiction there.**

**Thanks, as always, guys! This one's for smorfisk, DenNysgerrige, Shyrgasse, proopyface, my Happy Amigo Trio, and every lovely person who reviewed last chapter ;w;**

**-sascake**


	11. the edge of heaven

**the edge of heaven**

* * *

It was a cold, wet day when Emil next visited the hospital, the dreariness reflecting his mood. Leon had asked him to spend the day at his house- apparently, most of his family were gone for some reason or other- but he'd refused the offer. Emil would only have to mention Lukas' name tentatively for Leon to nod and excuse him. He'd developed a strange new respect for the Norwegian, thanks to his reluctant blessing, and Leon spoke of Lukas' condition with new caution. It was no secret between them that Lukas was getting very ill, very fast.

The light drizzle of rain was making his hair damp, the white strands curling as they dried, and he wasted no time in hurrying into the main building. He didn't bother to check in at reception- after all, he knew the way to the heart unit like the back of his hand now. Dozens of visits did that to a person, the Icelander supposed. Mind set on the usual occurrence, Emil wasn't surprised to see another usual sight- Mathias in Lukas' bed, his brother curled in the Dane's lap. Mathias appeared to be half-asleep, but his eyes were drawn to Lukas, at his thin figure and pale complexion.

Mathias awoke to the sound of his footsteps, raising his head and blinking blearily until his eyes focused. At the sight of Emil, he offered him a small smile, the majority of his attention focused on Lukas. As Emil stood by the bedside, nodding silently to him, Mathias shifted in bed until he was in a sitting position, Lukas' arms still tight around him and face pressed into his chest.

"Hey, Emil." His voice was an undertone, apparently set on keeping Lukas asleep. "I didn't think you were coming. How are you?"

"I'm okay," he said slowly, violet eyes focused on his brother. Now he was close, he could hear the terrible sound of his breathing- Lukas's chest rose and fell in quick movements, breathing ragged and raspy. Mathias noticed his gaze and quickly ran a hand through Lukas' hair, stroking the side of his face with soothing movements. "How is he? Is he any better?" Emil doubted his own words- if anything, Lukas looked worse as the days went on.

"He's..." Mathias paused, thinking over his words before taking a deep breath and attempting to smile at him. "He's doing okay. He's been sleeping a lot, so I just sit with him and try to keep him comfortable. No wonder- I mean, that IV's full of new drugs, but as long as it keeps him well..."

Emil nodded slowly, just as unwilling as the Dane to think less than positive. He'd seen Berwald and Tino's expressions that last time, and he knew that the two were facing up to Lukas not getting better. But this was his _brother- _Lukas would refuse to give up without a fight. The thin figure with his arms around Mathias' waist, head pressed to his abdomen and breathing haggard, was surely just a temporary setback in his road to recovery.

"When are you actually leaving?" He changed the topic of conversation, wishing to draw his attention from Lukas' own state. "I thought your condition wasn't as bad as his." Of course it wasn't- Mathias' figure was still muscular and in good shape, face lacking rimmed eyes and cheekbones that looked like knives pressing into his skin.

It was here Mathias bit his lip, a dark look briefly passing over his face as he took a breath. "Next week. The doctors say I'm fine, that my heart should be back to its usual normality next week. I would've left sooner, except they've had to transfer my IV line to my chest. I've been taking it out, see." His knuckles were white as they tightened on Lukas' shirt, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to his head. Under Emil's gaze, Mathias seemed to draw his strength from Lukas' presence pressed against him. "I don't want to go. I can't- Lukas needs me here. I can't leave him here by himself."

"Don't hurt yourself," Emil said hastily, a sudden, icy hand of worry gripping his insides, "don't hurt yourself to stay in here. That'll only make things worse, even if you-"

He was cut off by Mathias' laugh, the Dane tipping his head back and shaking with mirth. "My God, Emil, you're one hell of a downer. It hadn't crossed my mind before now- not that I'm planning on it," he added, grinning at Emil's horrified expression. "I won't do anything, don't worry." He broke off at the sigh from Lukas, both falling silent as the Norwegian shifted in Mathias' arms. After a moment, his breathing eased out, and Mathias gave a huff of relief. "He'd kill me, for starters. I get afraid he's going to wake up sometimes, but he usually sleeps through anything."

"Wouldn't you like him to wake up?" Emil rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, gaze sliding to the tiled floor. His own heart felt compressed, and he drew in a deep breath of air. "He's usually a light sleeper- he wakes up at anything."

"Oh." The Dane visibly faltered, swallowing and attempting a smile in response. "I guess it's just the new drugs. The doctors will want him to get sleep, too. I don't mind, not really: Lukas wakes up every couple of hours, and we usually talk a little. It's another thing to look forward to when he gets better. I promised that I'd take him out- we can go somewhere together for the day, just the two of us, and just have time to ourselves. He seemed to like the idea."

"He would. It's nice. I didn't expect him to get so attached to you, if I'm honest. He doesn't usually like people." Emil stepped towards the bed and Mathias shifted over, mindful of Lukas' still sleeping form, to allow him to sit by his side. The boy's cheeks were pale, and he let out a long sigh. "I felt so guilty when he was first admitted. When I was- um- dating Leon and hiding it from him, I knew he was lonely. He didn't really have friends before now."

"That Leon again." Mathias grinned, and the Icelander flinched when he reached over to ruffle his hair. "Lukas ranted about him even before he found out about the two of you. When he showed up here, I could see why Lukas hated him- he's a smug little brat, to be perfectly honest with you. How are things with him?"

Emil looked startled with the question, and at the description of Leon, but answered the blond all the same. "Good, I guess. I was supposed to see him today, but I came here instead. I think he likes Lukas now, in a weird kind of way... he didn't really before. I guess it's because Lukas didn't stab him."

"Probably. I can't see Lukas respecting him, though." They lapsed into silence, the stillness only broken by the soft hum of the machines and the Norwegian's heavy breaths. Then Emil turned to Mathias, a blush dusting his cheeks.

"You're the first person who's asked me about Leon. Nobody else seems to... well, seems to care. Sadik does, but he usually makes a joke about it, or tries to make light of the situation. You asked me out of nowhere."

Mathias contemplated this for a moment, reaching up to push his hair from his eyes. Then he smiled, but this time it was genuinely kind. "I think Lukas has rubbed off on me a little. I care about you, Emil, and I'd want to know if you were doing okay. Everyone's focused on Lukas, but not on you. You're hurting too, right?"

"No!" His answer was quick, and the boy bit his lip anxiously, feeling Mathias' gaze fixed on him. "I mean- not really. Not like he is." He nodded towards his brother, at the sleeping figure still clinging to the Dane.

"I didn't mean physically," Mathias said quietly, thumb stroking the line of Lukas' jaw even as he spoke. "You can't just get sidelined, even if Lukas is sick. So; have you been eating well? Getting to sleep at a decent time? Practising safe sex?" He let out a bark of a laugh at Emil's horrified expression, shaking his head. "Sorry- since he's asleep, someone had to do it."

"It's bad enough Lukas does it," Emil muttered, cheeks flaming, "let alone his _boyfriend _acting like I'm a three year old. I've survived all this time, haven't I? Lukas should be impressed."

"He probably is. Your brother cares about you one hell of a lot- not like you need me to tell you that." Emil nodded slowly to his words, and Mathias paused. "I know it's hard, him being in here. It's hard on me, and I'm with him all the time, _and _he loves to remind me how little time we've known each other. You just- you've just got to put your faith in the doctors, all right? I know everyone else is pessimistic about him. They think... well, he's not going to get better." The Dane swallowed suddenly, then reached out to grasp Emil's shoulder, long fingers digging into his skin. "But he's going to improve. Maybe they can get this pacemaker; they were looking for once just this week, the nurse told me. I'd start up a fuss about it, but I don't want them to separate us. If anyone can make him better, it's the doctors, and we know they're always pessimistic."

"Okay." The Icelander's voice was quiet, and he, abet subconsciously, leaned into Mathias' hold. "It's... something, I guess." He thought for a moment, then added, "You weren't being serious about wanting to give him your heart, were you? You seemed pretty adamant the other day, so... I was wondering. I don't _want _you to do it, and Lukas wouldn't either. You know that, right?"

"Definitely." Mathias sighed, tipping his head back and staring at the ceiling. "They wouldn't let me, even if I pleaded with them. The doctors- my heart's not exactly the best one to donate, and they'd rather someone almost perfectly healthy otherwise wouldn't give it up. I think they secretly like treating me, even if they complain. You're right, though- thinking in the long run, I probably wouldn't be able to do it. It would destroy Lukas."

"Definitely," Emil echoed, hands now clasping each other and twisting on his lap. "If there's any reason as to why he gets better, it'll be because you're here for him. He wants to get better for you. I know he probably denies it, but he loves you an awful lot. Not that Lukas would tell me, but I know. Just the way he acts around you- he really does love you, Mathias."

The Dane let his words sink in for a moment, trying to hide the soft smile threatening to split his face. "Hey, don't put me on a damn pedestal. He'd be doing it for you, too- who else is going to feed the cats and make sure you're fed? He's all do vocal in telling me how much he loves you."

"Well- I guess. He's always been like that, even when we were kids." Emil shifted uncomfortably, embarrassed by Mathias' words. "Maybe it's because of us both, then. I don't need to give you the whole 'look after him' talk. I..." He broke off, then swallowed. "I don't think I've seen anyone love someone more than you love him. Not even Berwald compares to you. You're just so _devoted _to him, Mathias. He couldn't ask for anyone better."

"...that's true." His gaze drifted back to the Norwegian's face, one hand still cupping his face. He traced his thumb over Lukas' features- his long nose, high cheekbones, thin lips, the hollows beneath his eyes- and sighed heavily, leaning down to press a soft kiss to his forehead. "He's... honestly, Emil, it sounds like bullshit, but he's everything to me. I've never had someone that _I _could look after, or be there for, or protect. But Lukas- he's the most important thing in my life, and he means so much to me." He glanced up again, smiling sheepishly as Emil's violet eyes met his own. "I sound like some stupid teenage girl, don't I? God, I need to get a grip."

"No, it's... well, you're weird. You're really weird. But it's nice. I'm just glad he has someone to look after him, that's all. He spends all his time looking after me, and not after himself. He needed someone like you."

"Of course," Mathias said conversationally, as if the conversation was on such a simple topic as the weather. "I know how he feels. I think- well, in a way, I needed someone too. And here we are, two messed up guys with defective hearts. Lukas told me off, but I'm pretty sure that this was fate, you know? He's got me to look after him, and vice versa. It- It feels wonderful, to be honest," he admitted, giving a shaky laugh. "To have someone you know is there for you. You know what I mean, right? I can't think of him getting worse, because as long as he's got me, he's going to get better. I'm going to get him that pacemaker, Emil, whatever it takes. You trust me, right?"

The Icelandic boy could think of nothing but nodding along in agreement with Mathias, entranced with his words. The Dane gave him a small smile, relief plain to see, as he gripped Emil's shoulder tightly. "He'll be fine. You'll see."

"Yeah," Emil whispered, "yeah, he will be." At this confirmation from him, both boys seemed satisfied with Lukas' imminent recovery. With his brother still peacefully sleeping, Emil tentatively leaned against Mathias, his head resting on the Dane's shoulder. The blond seemed at ease, and Emil too was lulled to sleep by the fingers running through his hair, soft and reassuring as if that of a parent or guardian.

* * *

"Emil was here earlier. You were asleep, and neither of us wanted to wake you."

"Oh."

"He'll be back tomorrow, though. He's here every day- I told him not to bring Leon, just in case you killed him."

"Hmm."

"You _do _like him more, don't you? Since he's looking after Emil and all that? I know I would- Emil seems happy, after all."

Lukas' response was pressing his forehead against Mathias' chest, and the Dane sighed heavily. His answers were become more monosyllabic by the day, the Norwegian too exhausted to even speak for most of the time. Even now, right after sleep, his eyes were hazy and unfocused, and Mathias was unsure that he was fully aware of the situation. Still, he pressed on, hoping to keep Lukas alert.

"Berwald's coming round tomorrow. I think Tino's at work or something; I didn't really listen to what Ber was saying, to be honest. Peter wanted to come, but they talked him out of it. The kid never stays calm, and I guess it's better for things to be quiet around here than him letting off energy. He can come visit when you get a little better, if you don't mind it."

"Not really." Lukas spoke in a murmur, and Mathias tucked a strand of platinum hair behind his ear. "Don't mind him."

"He really likes you, y'know. Tino says that he calls you my 'quiet' friend, and he doesn't know how you put up with me." Lukas' lips twitched into a faint smile, and the Dane grinned, leaning down to press a kiss to the bridge of his nose. "I've been wondering the same thing since we met. It's my charm and good looks, right? They do attract all the girls, after all."

"I'm not a girl. You're arrogant." With difficulty, the Norwegian shifted in his arms, now positioned on his back with his eyes closed. A sigh escaped his lips, and Lukas took a deep breath before continuing. "You treat me like I'm normal. Everyone else thought I was a freak in high school. You climbed into my bed and tried to kiss me after a week."

"You're _not _a freak," Mathias said loyally, but sniggered a moment later. "I can't resist you. You're too cute, Lukas, how am I not supposed to kiss you?"

"By staying the hell away from me. Don't call me cute." Lukas' breathing was getting heavy again, and he took Mathias' hand with a surprisingly tight grip of his thin fingers. "Tell me a story. Please."

"Course I will." The Dane glanced over to the bedside table, the book out of his reach with Lukas against him, and sighed heavily. "Don't blame me if I can't remember this all from memory, okay? I mean, old HC's writing is pretty detailed-"

"I don't care." The Norwegian's voice was low, and Mathias knew that he was nearing sleep again. "Your reading is nice anyway."

Mathias sighed again, tucking the duvet tighter around him and frowning in thought. "Well. Okay. I guess... let me think..."

"Just say it already," Lukas said, tone irritated, and the blond held back a laugh at his annoyance, even as he began to speak again.

"Far out in the sea the water is as blue as the petals of the most beautiful corn-flower, and as clear as the purest glass. But it is very deep, deeper than any cable will sound; many steeples must be placed one above the other to reach from the ground to the surface of the water. And down there live the sea-people..."

Lukas was asleep before he was halfway finished.

Three hours later, when awake again and unsettlingly quiet, Lukas asked something that he had clearly been considering for some time.

"Do you think there's anything after death?" His voice was low, and Mathias glanced down at him, frowning. The Norwegian was tracing the bandages still around his chest- his surgery had been a few weeks ago, yet the deep line was taking its time to heal. Mathias was usually yelled at if he tried to see his bandages being changed, but suspected it had more to do with Lukas' obvious weight loss than the stitches and growing scar on his chest.

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it much. Does it even really matter?"

"Of course it does." Lukas' eyes were focused on the side wall, and his complexion was pale. "At my house, I have some books on Norse mythology. I used to enjoy reading them- I never seemed to have time before I got sick. You know, the Vikings believed that those who died in battle had the most noble deaths. They'd go to this hall in Asgard called Valhalla." He paused for a moment, then added, "I tried to read them to Emil when he was little. I couldn't pronounce most of the words back then, and he cried at the violence. We switched to Roald Dahl after that."

Mathias was quiet for a long moment, as if thinking hard on his words. Then he spoke again, quite suddenly. "There's an amusement part attraction called Valhalla Borgen in Copenhagen." Lukas was used to him by now, but he was still thrown at the complete irrelevance of his words. He frowned up at Mathias, opening his mouth to complain, but Mathias beat him to it. "What kind of battle did they mean?"

"I'd assume a _warfare _battle, Mathias." He was distracted at the fingertips tracing his collarbones, and struggled not to shiver. "What other kind of battle were you thinking of?"

"Doesn't matter," Mathias muttered, mood obviously dark. Silence reigned between them as Mathias focused on tracing the bones protruding from his skin. Then he spoke up again, voice almost sulky. "Do you like the thought of that? Of Valhalla?"

"It's better than some eternal torture, I guess. I mean, if I had to _choose-"_

"Don't _choose _what time of afterlife you want," the Dane said sharply, providing Lukas with the answer to his behaviour. "Stop thinking so negatively all the time. You're not going to get better if you don't believe that you will."

"Mathias, _stop this." _Lukas felt his anger triggered, and his fingers tightened around Mathias' wrist. "Stop filling yourself with false hope. We both know that I'm not going to get better, and it's no use convincing yourself something miraculous is going to happen. It _isn't."_

"It could happen!" Mathias argued, face flushed red as he struggled to keep his voice down. "You can't just _face up _to dying, Lukas! You're only eighteen- this shouldn't be happening, you're too young-"

He was cut off at Lukas' coughing, and flinched at the blood splattering onto his shirt. Mathias took action almost immediately, grasping Lukas' shoulders and forcing him forwards to save him from choking. After several tense moments Lukas' coughs splintered off, and he slumped back against Mathias' chest with a sob. _"See?"_

Mathias ignored him, instead reaching to the cabinet to grasp the box of tissues lying in wait. Tilting Lukas' jaw, he slowly began wiping the blood from his face, pausing to wipe away the tears with his thumb. "It's okay. It's going to be okay." His words came through gritted teeth, clearly unsure of how to distract Lukas from his misery. "Just let me clean you up-"

"It doesn't _matter. _I'm going to cough my fucking lungs out and die in this fucking hospital. Face it, Mathias, I'm going to _die." _The Dane flinched when Lukas' words broke off into sobs, and the Norwegian buried his face in Mathias' bloodstained shirt as the Dane silently stroked his hair.

When Mathias thought about it, things had been getting worse already. Lukas had been determined to live, at least for Emil if for nothing else, yet the fight seemed to have gone from him since his last resuscitation. Again, at the thought of the Norwegian dying- dying before him possibly _in his arms- _left Mathias terrified.

* * *

As the week progressed, Lukas' health continued to decline. Mathias was forced to watch the colour drain from Lukas' face at the news of his weight loss, and hold himself back as the Norwegian traced his own ribs, full of morbid marvel at his new weight of eighty-six pounds. There were the coughing fits- _always with the damn coughing- _and blood. Too much blood. When Lukas wasn't asleep, he was in a coughing fit. The Dane found himself barely spending any time in his own bed, and instead in Lukas'. The nurses hadn't liked it to begin with, that much was obvious, but he could see the new pity in their eyes as he cradled Lukas' body, pressing soft kisses to his face and ignoring their sympathy. At least he hadn't been moved- he would be leaving soon enough, and it was obvious to anyone that Lukas was quietly, painfully dying.

He wouldn't let the Norwegian know that he was facing up to the worst. Mathias only let himself cry at night, when the ward was dark and Lukas drugged up, his shoulders shaking and the tears slipping down his face as he tried to stay as quiet as he could. Lukas' knowledge of his own failing health was bad enough. Knowing that Mathias had accepted it would make things worse.

On a Tuesday, when Emil mentioned that he would be staying the entire day in the ward, neither Mathias nor the nurses breathed a word of the visiting hours. In return, the Icelandic boy said nothing when Mathias passed him the box of tissues, or when he was drawn into a tight hug.

When it was nearing the end, Lukas seemed to have one good day. He'd slept less that day, managed to keep down his food, and, to Mathias' delight, was able to keep up a conversation with him. By the end of the day, the Dane's fear was only growing again at his obvious, oncoming decline. As he struggled to keep down the bile in his stomach Lukas was pressed into his side, trailing fingers along his jaw, and mustered up the energy for a smile so heartrendingly beautiful that it took Mathias aback.

"The day we went out- it was nice. It was really nice."

"Yeah. It was." Mathias' voice was quiet, resigned, and Lukas sighed.

"It'd be good to do that again. I'd like it. We should do it, Mathias, the both of us."

"You'd like that?" At Lukas' nod, Mathias' lips quirked into a sad smile. "That's good. I wanted to make you happy, even if it was only once. That was worth everything, just to see you smile."

"Idiot." Lukas took a deep, ragged breath, and the Dane tightened his arms around him, eyes screwing shut. "You work too hard to make _me _happy. I am never going to understand what made you fall for me, even with all of your reasons."

"Reasons? You want reasons? I like your humour, for one." Unexpectedly, Lukas pressed a kiss to his cheek, lifting Mathias' mood somewhat. "And you're interesting... and intelligent... and beautiful... should I go on?"

"'S enough. No thanks." The Norwegian's breath was coming quick and fast, and Mathias' body tensed. He couldn't be- he _couldn't, _not now- Mathias was pulled from his sudden fear at Lukas' whisper. "I love you, Mathias."

"I know you do," he murmured, teeth clamping down on his bottom lip. "I know, Lukas. It's okay. You don't need to-"

"I don't _love _you. Not like that. I'm not in love with you- you know I'm not-"

"Lukas, I _know." _Mathias's breaths had turned to gasps, and now he couldn't hold back the tears searing his eyes. "It's okay- it's okay- you don't have to tell me-"

"I could have." Lukas was also struggling to breath, but for a different reason as he cut over Mathias again. With difficulty, he placed a hand against the Dane's face, fingers shaking as he traced his features. "If I had time, I could've. If you gave me half the chance... I'd have fallen in love with you too, Mathias."

Mathias' vision blurred, and he broke off in a sob as he clutched Lukas to himself. He could feel the tears soaking into his shoulder, feel Lukas' shaking, and his grief tore at his very being as he finally let himself break down. He could barely hear himself through the tears stopping his throat, but he needed the Norwegian to _understand _him. "Lukas, I love you- I love you so much- please, _please-"_

"I know you do." There was a quiet acceptance in Lukas' tone, voice so small that Mathias had to strain to hear him. "I know."

"You'll go to Valhalla," he managed, voice muffled as he buried in face in Lukas' neck. "You've fought so hard. You're the bravest person I've ever met- you'll go to Valhalla, Lukas, but it'll be okay-"

The Dane wasn't sure how long it took him to gather himself and stop the tears. The only thing he was aware of, that had his blood freeze in his veins and made him release Lukas in an instant, was the high whine of the heart monitor's line going flat.

"No," he breathed, fear gripping him, "_no." _But it was true- Lukas was still before him, eyes half-closed and glassy, already looking smaller- he'd seen it before, it had happened _again, _and it wasn't supposed to happen, not with Lukas- he promised Lukas that he was going to live-

"_Help him!_" The words tore from his throat in a scream as his palm hit the alarm, his own heart surely having palpitations from his fear. "Anyone- please, _anyone,_ please- save him, save Lukas, just save him-"

The ward went from silent to a flurry of activity in a moment's notice. Mathias was pulled backwards, fighting against the nurses trying to restrain him, tears trickling down his face and hands ineffectually reaching for Lukas. They weren't going to save them- the doctors, they'd said last time they wouldn't- he still fought against the restraints, no longer hiding his desperate weeping. The doctors glanced at each other as they handled Lukas' frail body- _he was so small, when did he get so small- _and Mathias knew, in that moment, that there was no hope.

"You can't just give up on him!" he screeched, fury mixed with his pain as his heart thumped erratically. "He's eighteen- his little brother has no one else- he's all _I _have! He's _everything _to me! You have to save him, you have to give him my heart, you have to make him _live again-"_

"Don't be so ridiculous, Mr Køhler," came the cold response, and the head doctor straightened with a somber expression to survey the others. "Get him into the Kolibri Room. It's a long shot to try and save him, even now."

Mathias had no idea what he meant, and he gasped for breaths as Lukas was taken from him, taken away to God knows where. Words failed him as his arms fell to his sides, the tears still coursing down his face and dripping onto his shirt. One by one, the doctors left, and Mathias was left to his panic, his grief, his composure and spirit breaking at Lukas' heart stopping in his arms.

Lukas was going to be okay.

_It's a long shot to save him._

He was going to survive.

_It's cruel. He's not going to respond._

All his plans for the future- they would be nothing if Lukas wasn't there to share them with him. He was nothing without Lukas. Absolutely nothing.

_I'll try, for you. For Emil, for Tino, for Berwald- I'll try and get better. I'll do it for_ you.

Mathias had never imagined that he had understood true grief before, even with the loss of his parents. But here now, knowing Lukas was clinically dead and that he could do nothing, Mathias understood true hell.

* * *

**I'm going to get slaughtered for this, I know. There's only one more chapter left, and... yeah. It's going to be depressing, probably. I just hope this one is all right.**

**It was last week, and you probably all know, but since Denmark won Eurovision_ I get to go to Copenhagen next year for the final. _****I was rooting for them for weeks before, and I just burst into tears and cried for about an hour after they won. It was a big, big thing for me, especially because I knew I'd get to go to Denmark itself.**

**Thank you all, so, so much, for the response here and on tumblr. Hummingbird is drawing to a close, and I'm really going to miss it when it's finished. Please, leave a review and let me know what you think- I was worried about this chapter, and I still am. It just takes a minute, and... I'm going on about it. I'm sorry. But hearing response from people really brightens my day, and lets me know that people _actually like something I've written. _I don't need to elaborate on how amazed I am that people enjoy my writing.**

**Thanks again guys. You're all fantastic, really.**

**-sascake**


	12. the hummingbird

**the hummingbird**

* * *

_It had been a Biology test earlier that year. They'd asked the class to learn about birds, of all things- the genus and order of the ones listed in the textbook, a fairly boring subject if ever there was one. It had been pointless, too. What part of their course asked them to know about stupid birds?_

_Still, in a moment of rarity, he'd left his work to the last moment. A late afternoon in February found Lukas in the public library, sitting with a pile of books and cursing the entire education establishment. He could be home right now, doing something of use, and instead he was studying for this ridiculous test. He was half tempted to throw the book across the room in a temper, and was only stopped by the thought of being banned for life. Maybe it would be worth it, to provide something more interesting than this rubbish._

_With a sigh, Lukas cracked open the book to the next section. He had kingfishers and eagles finished- there was four sections, and he dimly remembered the heron section from class. With a finger running beneath the words, he read the sentences aloud in a low tone._

_"Hummingbird. Kingdom, Animalia. Phylum, Chordata. Class, Aves."_

_This was boring. It was utterly, amazing boring._

_"Order, Apodiformes. Family, Trochilidae. Subfamily, Phaethornithinae."_

_Maybe if he hit his head off the desk hard enough he'd crack his skull and be saved from learning this._

_"Fairly short lifespans- several years after maturity, have a heart rate so fast it sounds like humming, reaching well over a thousand beats per minute... come in a variety of colours and species, among the smallest of the birds... eggs smaller than your finger. Amazing," he said dryly, fingers tapping on the spine of the book. This was really going to help him in life, knowing about a stupid bird. At other times, he would have found this engrossing, taking in the information like there was no tomorrow. This time, however, had the pressing thought in the back of his mind that he already had a ton of work at home, and poor Emil was probably starving without him._

_He could always learn this before class. This would have been interesting it if wasn't school work._

_Lukas packed the books back onto the shelves, mood dark and mind distracted. It was getting late already- the library was nearly empty, and he was quite sure that one of the librarians was asleep. Emil was home alone, and the sky was already an inky black. Their mother would be working that night, so it was up to him to have dinner ready, and the Norwegian dully ran through his plans for that night as he pulled on his coat and scarf._

_The pain in his chest first came when he walked out the door, passing another boy with a stack of books in his arms. It was quick and sudden, entirely unexpected, but the sudden sharp sensation made him let out a gasp, stumbling in his path. Lukas placed a hand against the brick wall, seeking support as his breaths came quickly, the pain in his chest receding to a dull ache._

_What the _hell_ was that?_

_"Hey, are you all right?" The stranger who had been entering the library had paused, turning to cast a worried gaze upon him. Lukas barely spared him a glance as he straightened, only catching sight of blond hair and wide blue eyes as his mind tried to ignore the pain._

_"I'm fine, thank you." His words came through gritted teeth and he turned without another word, continuing down the steps of the library as he tried to reason with his thoughts. It must have been the cold air, the suddenness after the warmth of the library. That seemed the most plausible explanation._

_"Are you sure? You don't seem fine-" He ignored the stranger, ignored the concern offered to him as his thoughts turned to returning home. He had the Chemistry homework to finish tonight, and the History- it was going to take forever, and he could see another sleepless night ahead of him. Lukas really needed a break. He needed a parent to take up some of his responsibilities._

_Well. Maybe not. He looked after Emil better than either of their fathers could._

_"You should really get that checked out. That pain in your chest- you shouldn't just leave it." Lukas paused on the steps, half-turning at the other boy's shout. One of those empathetic idiots, probably, who clearly hadn't noticed that he'd dropped some of his books. With a ragged sigh, the Norwegian bent down to pick them up and with a few steps back to the doors of the library, offered them to the blond. He blinked, giving Lukas a smile as he took them from him. "It could be something serious, you know."_

_"Yeah. Maybe." Privately, Lukas had no intention of going to a doctor. It would a time consuming waste for something that was clearly just a muscle ache, or a pain from the cold air. "Thank you for the concern." Eager to leave and avoid a conversation, he knew that he was lacking any politeness in abruptly leaving, but Lukas was uninterested in keeping up appearances. The brief interaction was forgotten when he was halfway home, both the pain and boy pushed from his thoughts by other forces in his mind._

_Besides, was it really worth worrying about? Somehow, Lukas doubted it._

* * *

The unnatural, man made sounds were deafening. The rhythmic _thumps_ cut through his mind like a razor, a sure catalyst for him waking up.

When one struggles to wake from sleep, it's as if they are underwater. Surrounded by crushing yet weightless strength, coherent thoughts are unable to be produced, and they're left to stay in a half-dreaming, confused state. That's how he remained, unable to fully wake up and escape the dreams, as life carried on around him and the monitor kept up with its dull beeps.

**Badump.**

"Sit back. There's not enough space."

A creak of the chair, and an irritated huff made its way into his range of hearing.

**Badump.**

"Mathias, _sit back."_

"Shut up. It's fine."

**Badump.**

"It's not- you're not leaving any room-"

"I told you to shut _up. _Do you really think I'm going to do something stupid?"

"Don't speak to T'no like that. Stop actin' like a child."

**Badump.**

"I'm so sorry. I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to be upset."

A harsh sigh, followed by the sound of someone running a hand through their hair.

"I hate this. I _hate _it."

**Badump.**

"I know. We all do. Think of how Emil must be feeling right now."

"Better than you think. I'm not a little kid."

The voice was low, peppered with irritation and tiredness. A soft laugh came from another.

**Badump.**

Silence reigned, only broken by their breathing.

The tension in the air was tangible, and one of those surrounding was struggling to breath evenly.

**Badump.**

"He... he will... he'll..."

"Mathias." A gentle voice, full of sympathy, addressed him. "Stop this. You're upsetting yourself even more. It's only been a few hours, you know."

"A few _hours. _How long am I going to have to go through this?"

**Badump.**

"...Emil. I'm sorry."

"For what?" The voice that spoke was fierce, as if daring to him to continue.

"For this. For everything. For acting like I'm the only one hurting."

**Badump.**

"It's okay."

"No. It's not. Get over here."

**Badump.**

"I'd rather not, thank you."

"Come on, don't be so proud. Now I know where Lukas gets it from."

An uncomfortable quietness followed his words.

**Badump.**

"...Emil? Emil, please don't cry. It's going to be okay, I promise."

"How can you promise that?"

"Because it's _true. _You trust me, don't you?"

"I..." A swallow, and then a voice filled with unease. "I don't know.

**Badump.**

"...Probably smart of you, I guess. I don't have the best track record."

After a brief moment of confusion and concern at the pained whisper, he let sleep take its hold on him again. Dark unconsciousness passed over his mind, and he was only too eager to welcome it.

* * *

"I... uh. Well. I never really spoke to you when you were asleep before, and I don't know what to say now."

Mathias traced circles onto Lukas' palm with his pointer finger, eyes trained on the floor. For some reason, he was unable to look at the Norwegian's face, to let his eyes settle on the pale skin and gaunt visage. Instead, his gaze examined the tiles of the hospital floor, and his empty hand ran up and down his jean-clad thigh. It was always weird to get back into his ordinary clothes after wearing those of the hospital for weeks. It was strange, too, to sleep in his own bed and wake up in his own home, instead of to Lukas nestled in his side. The nurses were already suspicious of him, and Tino had to gently tug him out of the ward and leave his fellow patient behind. It wasn't as if his guardians could stop him coming in the day, though. They'd all sat around Lukas' bed after his operation, Emil's head on his shoulder and the Icelander apparently out of tears to shed.

"I read sometimes. You'd always sleep just a little easier when I was reading to you, even if you fell asleep before I finished. I guess it's just my lovely voice." A weak smile tugged at the corners of Mathias' lips, but it soon faded as he sighed heavily. "You never looked peaceful when you were asleep. You were always frowning, because it was painful, wasn't it? Your heart was always bothering. I couldn't help you at all, but now- you look different, I guess. You don't look _peaceful; _more like emotionless. But... it's something, isn't it? It has to be. I hope it's your heart getting better, because with this pacemaker... you're _meant _to get better, Lukas.

"You really should've woken up by now, but the doctors say that it's not too worrying. Your overall health isn't in a great state, so the rest of your body is waiting to catch up with your heart. You said I couldn't do anything for you when you were dying. Now I can, though, now you're meant to get better. I can make sure you don't rip out the wires, or strain yourself, or use anything that'll stop the battery working..." Mathias trailed off, shrugging and smiling sheepishly even though he knew Lukas couldn't see him. "It isn't as great as properly saving you, but it's something. Small things help in the long run.

"I have a confession to make." The Dane swallowed, and his teeth clamped down on his lip as he struggled for words to say. "I first started to like you because I thought you'd understand me. I thought you'd know what it would be like, to go through heart problems and fell... like an outcast, I suppose. It was pretty stupid of me to begin with, seeing as how I'd never seen you in here before, but I was desperate. I was so _lonely, _Luke- Lukas. Berwald and Tino have each other. I've never had anyone, and I've always wanted someone to look out for me, and vice versa. I was desperate for someone, _anyone, _and then you come along, all silence and beauty, like you're a godsend. I wasn't sure what to do, to be honest. I learnt pretty quickly that this was your first time, but still... when someone like you shows up in my life, I'm not going to let you go easily, am I?"

Mathias paused, then gave a snort of a laugh, shaking his head as his cheeks flamed with embarrassment. "I sound like a stalker, right? Let me rephrase that- I wanted to _attempt _to have you in my life. I'm selfish, I'm self-centred, I love myself; I've heard it all before, and in a way, it's true. I _am _selfish. I _am _self-centred. But it's not just me. I care about you, too. I'd do anything for you Lukas, and I know I've fallen in love too quickly and too deeply. I can't help it though, and I can't really describe it.

"I really did consider giving you my heart. It's not great, and you'd still have problems- but at one point, you were so sick that it looked like you wouldn't live at all. I was mostly trying to ignore it, but I knew that something needed to happen. The doctors wouldn't hear of it, and told me that I was a stupid little boy. Emil didn't want it to happen either, and it was a good point that he had: you wouldn't be able to accept it if I died to save you. You might not be in love with me, but knowing that I was dead so you could live? It would ruin the life I'd let you have. And, in hindsight, it's not the best idea I've ever had."

The Danish boy lifted Lukas' limp hand and pressed a kiss to the smooth skin, sighing heavily. Contrary to the previous times he'd seen the Norwegian asleep- or rather, knocked out after a procedure- there was a dull sort of acceptance in his heart. Lukas _was _going to get better, in the end, in some ways. He was never going to get completely better. He'd still have a damaged heart. He'd still need to visit the hospital at times, and he could potentially get ill again. Yet thanks to this pacemaker he was _alive, _here and now, breathing before him and _living. _He'd been given a second chance at life, and Mathias was only too eager for him to make the most of it.

Maybe Lukas would die, years into the future, from a complication from his arrhythmia. Maybe he'd die from his own heart problems. But for Mathias, there really was hope in there future. The doctors had been quick and keen to reassure him that Lukas had a real chance of getting properly better, and leading a somewhat normal life.

"When you get home," he said, voice steady and firm, "when you're well enough, I'm going to take you to the sea shore. You might complain, about it being childish and impractical for a proper first date, but Emil told me that you haven't seen the sea in years. I'll steal Berwald's car when he's too busy with Tino or Peter, I'll take about twenty blankets, in case you get cold, and we can just sit and look at the sea. I'll be quiet, I promise; you'd probably tell me to shut up anyway, if I was talking, but I'll be quiet the whole time. It'll be for you, after all. It'll all be for you."

His voice broke off, and Mathias simply gripped Lukas' hand tightly. The tears couldn't have fallen if he'd tried. He'd cried enough, anyway, probably more for Lukas than his mother and father combined. It was jarring to think, but he'd accepted it after a short think. After all, Lukas was something entirely new and wonderful to experience. In this situation, it had been a matter of time to fall in love with him.

"Remember what you said about being a hummingbird?" he said suddenly, a new thought striking him. "You said that they live only a few years before dying. I looked them up, when I got home- did you know that the oldest one lived to be twelve years old? That's older than a lot of bigger birds, and it's impressive for something so tiny. A miracle, you could call it. I'm not quite sure about bird-to-human years, but it's an extraordinarily long life. I'm not saying you'll _have _that- a long life is good enough- but you could be like that hummingbird, rather than one of the others. You _are _unique, after all. You could live a lot longer than you think you will: after all, aren't you alive now, when you were convinced that you'd die?" Mathias smiled briefly, and let out a long breath. "You can do it. I know you can."

He pulled his phone from the pocket of his jeans, checking the screen of the device. Visiting hours were over twenty minutes ago- sure, he could push his luck, but all he needed was to get in trouble with the nurses, or Tino and Berwald. Sighing, Mathias rose to his feet, and gently unfurled his fingers from around Lukas' hand. "I've got to go. I'll be back- well, the next time visiting hours start. You wouldn't expect me to miss any time with you, would you? Like I said: I'm probably stalking you." With the ghost of a smile playing around his mouth, Mathias leant down to press a soft kiss to Lukas' forehead. "I love you. See you later, Lukas."

As he trailed from the ward, Lukas' sleeping image pressed into his mind, the Dane felt strangely calmer. If Lukas had been awake, it would have probably been embarrassing to tell him all of that, but he still hoped that the Norwegian had heard at least some of what he was saying.

At this stage, there wasn't much more he could hope for.

* * *

"_You know," Mathias had said suddenly one day, gaze focused on the ceiling and voice thoughtful, "my literature teacher once called me an idealist. He was kind of an asshole- you know when you get those teachers who love picking on you for no damn reason other than writing you off as an idiot the minute you walk in the class? He kept me behind after school once, slapped my essay on the table, and told me that I wrote like a five-year-old on crack cocaine who still thought life was full of sunshine and happiness."_

_Lukas snorted from his own bed, turning a page of Mathias' book and beginning to read again. "He was right. I haven't seen your essay writing skills, but I've never met someone with a more idealistic view of the world."_

_"I'll pull out my paper on Jay's character in 'The Great Gatsby' __for you sometime. It'll move you to tears, I swear." Mathias frowned down at the bedsheets, pulling at a loose thread in the stitching. "He'd never taught me before, so he didn't know that my mother had died a few months before. There he was, telling me I was an idealistic airhead, while I was smiling and nodding and holding myself back from punching him."_

_"You should have." Lukas' eyes drifted from one page to the next, and one hand moved to rub at the place in his arm where the needle of the IV entered his vein. It was aching today- it was like that, sometimes. "I'm surprised you didn't tell him to get off your back."_

_"It wasn't worth the fight. Yeah, I could've just told him that my mom had killed herself and that I had a heart condition just to wipe the smug look off his face, but he wasn't worth it. He was just a sad old douche who didn't like the fact I still had hope for the future." Mathias stretched, the bones in his shoulders cracking as he let loose a long sigh. "I say that the world needs more people like me."_

_"And I'd agree." Lukas glanced up to meet Mathias' eyes, and he arched one eyebrow at the hurt look he was wearing. "I'm not being sarcastic. How you still come up with your jokes and remain so cheerful after everything that's happened to you is astounding." Mathias' tense look relaxed, changing to one of gratitude as Lukas added, "What was your essay about anyway?"_

_"God, I have no idea." The Dane shifted in bed until he was lying on his side, chin resting in the palm of his hand as he frowned at Lukas. "Probably 'I want to meet a nice girl and have a few kids and live happily ever after until I die at the ripe old age of a hundred and twenty'. Maybe 'Meeting a guy in hospital and turning gay for him while he verbally abuses and insults me' would have gotten me a higher grade."_

_"Probably not. That's even stupider than the first one." Lukas returned to the book, hearing the creak of springs as Mathias pulled his sheets tighter around him. "He was right about the idealism thing, though. It isn't as bad as English teachers make it out to be, just so long as you don't think that you can seize control of the government and achieve everything you want in live. Things don't work so well in your favour when you try and do that."_

_"Like you'd know?" Mathias snorted, but descended into thought a moment later. "Nah. I don't want all that. I just think that you don't find happiness, right? You have to achieve it on your own. I think that's what I wrote about, actually- that I was going to have a townhouse in the city and a family of my own. Not that I wanted to have it, which is what everyone else wrote about- I said that I was going to get it, which is probably why I got yelled at."_

_"If that's what you wrote about, your English teacher was an idiot." Lukas tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and turned another page as the Danish boy mulled over his words. "I think it was perfectly fine to say that. It wasn't 'I want to take over Northern Europe and call myself the King of Scandinavia'. Having a home and a family is what most people expect in life."_

_"Maybe it was too generic." Mathias shrugged, rolling onto his back and closing his eyes. "It's not really generic for me. There's been a few times when my heart's played up, and I've thought that I was going to die. Having something to myself is really all I've wanted."_

_"And there's nothing wrong with that." Lukas rubbed at his arm again, wishing he could numb the skin. "I thought idealism was believing that it would come true. You don't seem very positive about it, for some reason. That's not being an idealist. Your heart problems aren't that serious, anyway. Your life is going to be fine, and I'd be surprised if you didn't get your dream sorted out."_

_Mathias was silent. After a few moments, the Norwegian looked over to find the Dane staring at him with an almost unsettling intensity._

_"...what is it?"_

_"Nothing." He offered nothing more than the cryptic answer, and Lukas returned to his book with a huff as Mathias pulled the sheets over his head._

_He never did find out what it was that gave Mathias' eyes that haunted look, what made him end the conversation and avoid returning to it. However, with some bitterness, he could all too easily imagine the Danish boy with a wife and children, and a happy, healthy life._

* * *

When he first came to awareness, Lukas opened his eyes and tightened his hand around Mathias', vision focusing on the room as he squinted in the bright light and took in a deep breath.

When the others in the room first noticed this, their response- save for Berwald- was immediate and had almost the same force as a bomb.

Emil was the first to realise, and his mouth fell open with a gasp as he tugged Tino's arm to alert him of Lukas waking up, of the dark blue eyes focusing on him with a puzzled frown. All of a sudden, the four descended on him- Tino fervently asking him how he felt; Berwald trying to calm him; Emil grasping his arm and asking question; and amidst them, gasping for breath as he sobbed brokenly, Mathias clutched him tightly as if unable to believe he was alive before him.

"Mathias- _Mathias! _Let him go, let him breathe!" Mathias released him as if burnt at Tino's words, eyes wide upon Lukas' form.

"I didn't mean to- I didn't hurt you, did I? Are you all right, Lukas? How do you feel?"

Lukas didn't immediately focus on his words. Instead, his attention was pulled to what felt like a box implanted under his skin, and he reached up with his right arm- his left feeling sluggish, somehow- to feel it. His hand was slapped away by Mathias, but instead of snapping at the Dane, Lukas was taken aback at the feeling- at the feeling of his heart beating _normally._

"Don't touch that." Mathias' tone was warning, but he instead gripped Lukas' hand in his own. "It's your pacemaker- you can't dislodge it, okay? Don't raise that arm, either; use your right arm if you need anything, or get me to do it."

"What..." Initially struggling with his words, Lukas took a steadying breath. His hand tightened around Mathias' as he looked up at him again, eyes wide and incredulous. "I'm alive. I'm _alive.__"_

"Yeah. You are." His voice was soft, and there was something akin to pride in Mathias' expression as he pressed a kiss to the Norwegian's hand. "You're alive, Lukas. You're going to be okay."

Lukas nodded slowly, mind still thick with the fog of sleep. His gaze slid to Emil standing beside Mathias' kneeling figure, the Icelander staring at him as if unable to believe he was actually awake. He'd never seen his brother wear such an expression as the one he was wearing now- one a pure mixture of relief and delight. Emil perched on the end of his bed, mindful of his legs, and his hands fluttered over Lukas' form before he reached out to take a firm hold of his wrist.

"You had another flatline," Mathias began, voice low. Tino had taken a seat on the other side of his bed while Berwald drew a chair up, the four now surrounding Lukas as Mathias offered him an explanation. "The doctors said they'd take you to the _Kolibri Room- _I had no idea what it was, but it turns out that they threw you into surgery. It was your last chance. If you died during surgery, they wouldn't bring you back. They were reluctant enough to give you a pacemaker as it was- they thought you'd die on the table."

"Mathias." Berwald's voice was sharp, a warning sign for Mathias to stop going into such depth. The Dane glared at him, but waited for Lukas to squeeze his hand before continuing.

"Well, anyway... you came out of surgery after a few hours. Emil was here, and he was a wreck."

"They wouldn't tell us anything," Tino added, rubbing the hem of his shirt between thumb and forefinger, "because they wanted to wait until the last moment. Something about the risk pacemaker implantation had on an ill teenager with bad health and a heart that wasn't beating anymore; I thought it was unnecessary worry, really."

"Yeah. It was." It was Emil's turn to add something to the conversation, and his voice didn't rise out of an undertone. "They wouldn't even tell us if you were alive or dead."

"Not until they came to say they'd moved you to intensive care, anyway. You were back in this ward again after a few hours, once your heart had stabilised. It was touch and go for a while, to see if the pacemaker would really work for you- I think they did some of that ablation thing again, too. But then your heart monitor settled down, and I swear, Lukas, it was the best thing I'd heard in my life." Mathias' sombre expression had cracked into a wide grin and Lukas simply watched him, watched the new emotions playing across his tired face. "That's when we knew you were going to be okay."

"You..." Emil swallowed heavily, pausing to choose his words carefully before speaking again. "You're never going to get completely better. You're always going to have arrhythmia, unless you get a heart transplant- which doesn't seem likely. There are far too many people on the transplant list, and they haven't put you as needing one urgently."

"But you're going to be okay!" Mathias interjected, who seemed to be suddenly filled with excitement after speaking. He looked more relieved than Lukas had seen him in weeks, and his eyes shone with hope as he spoke to him. "You have the pacemaker now, and you have the medicine already; the doctors are going to get you more and monitor you in the future, _but it doesn't matter_. You're going to leave the hospital. You're going to carry on with your life. You're going to _live."_

"They're not going to let you go right away. Usually you can leave a few days after a pacemaker, but your health isn't good enough." It was Tino's turn to speak up; the Finnish man seemed eager to reign back Mathias' excitement with reality, and his sweet face was creased with apology. "Your weight is still too low, and the doctor said it would be safer to keep you in here for a few more weeks, just to make sure you're back to normal again. Well, not back to _normal, _but you know what I mean-"

"You have to take the one in the blue capsule first thing in the morning, and then the red one later- you can't go on rollercoasters, strain yourself too much, take some other medicines, and you'll have to take things easy for the first few weeks." The Dane was counting his information off on his fingers, eyebrows knitted together in a frown as he thought. "You can't lift your left arm for six weeks, either; I got them to write a list of all the things you should avoid and take care of. I tried to keep it, but Emil says he's going to be looking after you. _I _wanted to do it, though!" He added this with a pout, expression that of a young child denied a treat.

"You live in the same house as me. I think I'd be better to look after you," Emil said, rolling his eyes and giving a small sigh. "I'll mostly be in the house with you and sorting out what medication you have to take and when- just things to make sure that you're all right. I told Leon not to come round, though, not for a few weeks yet."

"Not _ever," _Lukas muttered, earning him a wounded look from Emil. He hadn't changed his mind about Leon, whatever the others thought. In his eyes, he was still the same smug, arrogant who wasn't anywhere good enough for Emil. He'd let his brother work that one out for himself- if he ever attempted to, that was.

"I'm going to be coming 'round every day, though. Not _every _day, because Berwald and Emil told me that you would probably get sick of me, but just enough that you know I still love you." Mathias flashed him a grin, so different from his tense smiles of the previous few weeks. It was staggering to see the difference Lukas' health had on him, both physically and emotionally. "I'm going to help you get better, now you actually have the chance to get better. I'll help you through this, Lukas, you hear?"

"I think that's too big a question to say when he's just woken up," Tino said smoothly, pulling Mathias' arm. "He's just woken up, after all. We best let the doctors know he's awake."

"Ah'll do it." Berwald disappeared out of the double doors, Tino following in his footsteps. Mathias shifted in his kneeling position, quiet again as he seemed content to just watch Lukas with a small smile. The Norwegian turned his attention to his brother, Emil's own violet eyes focused on him.

"I'm never going to get better?"

"No. Not completely." Emil's tone was quiet, gaze unblinking. "They said you could get worse again in the future. But it shouldn't happen- the pacemaker will keep your heart rate normal, and you'll have to have it replaced every few years. Your life should be normal enough with it, though. You're alive. That's the main thing." Mathias nodded along with what he said, and the Icelander gave a small sigh. "You really scared us."

"I know. I'm sorry." He couldn't think of anything else to offer him but an apology. Already, tiredness was closing in on his mind again. "Do I still have the IV in?"

"Yes." Mathias' eyes were closed, forehead resting on the bed. He pulled Lukas' hand to his face, placing the back of it against his cheek. "I went home two days ago, and the nurses nearly cried of happiness when they took my IV out themselves. They told me that I'd be banned from the hospital for life if I even considered taking yours out."

"And did you?" Mathias' lips lifted in a small smile, and he met Lukas' question with a soft laugh and kiss to the back of his hand.

"Not once."

Satisfied, Lukas allowed himself to fall back asleep once more. This time, though, it was to the comforting presence of the two people he loved more than anything else.

* * *

To Mathias' irritation, his apparently wonderful plans for the future had to be put off until Lukas was well enough to leave the hospital. This didn't stop him from coming to visit every day, or questioning the doctors continuously of his condition while sneaking him as much licorice as he could carry. Emil dryly noted that Mathias was acting as if he was their mother, rather than Lukas' questionable boyfriend- he'd also adopted Lukas' habit of checking to make sure his brother was looking after himself properly, and Emil seemed less than pleased with _two _now acting as if he couldn't take care of himself.

The Icelandic boy's only escape from the questioning came when Mathias was distracted by Lukas' imminent release two weeks later.

"You really are better again, right? It's safe for you to leave?" Lukas had been struggling to button his shirt, his left arm immobile in a sling, but raised his eyebrows at the Dane's worry. Mathias was standing by the end of his bed, holding his bags and looking tense. The Norwegian had regained most of his previous weight, and the deadened look his face had held was smoothed into one more healthy, but he wore a familiar exasperated look.

"They know what they're doing- there _are _professionals here, Mathias." Finally finished with dressing himself, Lukas took hold of his hand and tugged him along. "Besides, I know I'm healthy again. You're heard my heart, and I haven't thrown up in nearly two weeks."

"Yeah. I noticed." Mathias winced at Lukas tightening his hand at his tone of voice, but he grinned and pressed a kiss to the top of the Norwegian's head. "I'm happy you're coming home, Luke."

"Lukas. And I know; you haven't shut up about it for days." Throwing him an amused look, the two walked slowly in the direction of the hospital's pharmacy. Lukas seemed perfectly fine to continue at the pace, but Mathias seemed anxious to pull ahead, causing Lukas' eyebrows to draw together in a frown. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing; I just want to get out of here, _at last." _Sighing at his eager words, the Norwegian grudgingly let himself be pulled along the corridor. "We're going to go out together, all right? The other guys know about it- I told Berwald before I left this morning."

"I knew this was going to happen. You were saying it for weeks beforehand. It'll be nice." Lukas pressed his forehead against the Dane's arm, sighing deeply. "You were late getting here. Did you sleep in?" At Mathias' sudden silence, he glanced up at him with the question weighing between them. "Mathias? What's wrong?"

The blond boy, unexpectedly, seemed to consider just what to say. Meeting Lukas' gaze, he gave a breath sigh before saying, "No, I didn't sleep in. I called 'round to the local cemetery before I came here, and I lost track of the time." At Lukas' arched eyebrows, he added, "I was talking to my mother."

"You were... talking to your mother."

"Yes."

"Talking to a gravestone."

"Well, yeah." Mathias adopted a confused expression, and his voice was defensive when he next spoke. "What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. I was just clarifying." They continued along the corridor, the Dane stroking the back of Lukas' hand with his thumb. He eyed Mathias before speaking, and his voice was cautious. "What were you talking to you mother about?"

"Oh." Here he gave an embarrassed laugh, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "I was talking to her about you, actually. Told her that I'd met a nice guy, who was in hospital but was leaving today, that I was happy... it was just nice, to get it out to her. When I need to think or clear my head, I visit her grave. I usually bring a bouquet of orchids- they were her favourites- then sit down and just _talk. _She'd be pleased, to know I was doing well."

"That's nice," Lukas said quietly, absently, thinking about his words. He could see the smile Mathias was trying to keep in place, his eyes that were just a little too bright. "She'd be proud, you know. Of you."

Mathias turned his head to face him, eyebrows raised and expression incredulous. "You think?"

"Of course. I never met her, but I don't see why anyone wouldn't be proud of you. She did a good job of raising you." He spoke honestly, but Mathias stared at him as if he'd never heard anything like it. "What? It's the truth."

The Dane didn't say anything; Lukas was honestly surprised when he didn't. Instead, he grasped his hand tightly in thanks, face flushed as he struggled with keeping his composure. The Norwegian only patted him on the back, leaning into him as they walked into the pharmacy.

When they left the building, Lukas clutching a bag of new medication and an order form in his sling-free hand, Mathias' first action was to hail a taxi. It was only after they clambered into the back, the Dane holding him tight to his side, that the other blond thought to ask what his plan was, receiving a triumphant grin in response. "The beach."

"The _beach? _It's freezing- why the hell do you want to go to the beach?" Mathias reached over to ruffled his hair, and Lukas jerked out of his reach with a huff. "I was hoping you'd actually thought something out rather than trying to kill me as soon as I leave the hospital."

"Give me some credit, Lukas, and trust me," the Danish boy said, rolling his eyes and sighing as the car started up. "I brought a jumper for if you get cold, and a blanket, but it shouldn't be too bad. Where else are we going to go that's quiet? Besides, Emil told me that you haven't been to the sea in years."

"Well. No. But we could've gone to the library if you wanted quiet." Against his will, a blush coloured Lukas' cheeks. "I- sorry. Sorry for snapping at you. I'd like to go to the beach."

"Couldn't quite catch that, Lukas." Mathias was acting his usual infuriating self, a smirk tugging his lips, and the Norwegian scowled at him. "What did you say?"

"You heard me."

"Nope. What was it again?"

"I'm sorry." His words came through gritted teeth as he held back the impulse to hit his arm.

"I'm sorry...?"

"I'm sorry, _Mathias." _He was obviously enjoying watching Lukas squirm with discomfort.

"And...?"

"And I _love _you, you idiot." Lukas silenced his laughing with a kiss, and the journey seemed surprisingly short thanks to their battle in the back of the taxi. Under normal circumstances, he would've hated to kiss someone in such a public place. But a new excitement filled his veins at the final escape from the hospital, and he was with Mathias. The Dane's soft skin, the hands moving through his hair, and smirk into their kiss was argument enough.

As Lukas had predicted, it was cold. The beach front was empty, and he stumbled out of the taxi to stare at the grey, churning waves as Mathias paid the driver and followed with their bags. Slinging an arm around the Norwegian's shouders, the two made their way down the slope until, stopping dead in his tracks, Mathias dropped the bags in the sand and sat down cross-legged, staring up at him expectantly. "Here's good. Nice view of the sea."

"I guess." Lukas sat by his side, motions still slow and cautious. They were silent for a few moments, Lukas' head on Mathias' shoulder as they stared at the sea. Emil had been right- he hadn't been here in years, probably when he was twelve and his brother ten. The sun often burnt their fair skin, so Emil would only be sent out after being doused with the highest factor Lukas could find. In a way, Mathias' logic was right. On a day like this, it was just the two of them, content to be in each other's company and past the gates of their previous confinement.

"Where's your family?" All was quiet, save for the sound of the sea, the overhead gulls, and his soft voice. The Dane thought for a moment, reaching over to grasp a bag as he spoke.

"At home, I think. Berwald's probably doing some carpentry- he's obsessed with it in his spare time- and Tino's probably cooking. You and Emil are coming to dinner tonight, by the way. Emil already knows."

"Of course." Mathias tucked a blanket around them both, letting Lukas fit himself against his side with a sigh. "You seem to plan a lot of things around me."

"It's the best way to do things. It'll be different now though, now you're better again. We can be happier, for one." He pressed a kiss to the Norwegian's cheek, and Lukas allowed himself a smile at the action.

"Yeah. We can." Shifting, the blond moved to lie with his head in Mathias' lap, fingers moving to stroke through his hair as he let his eyes slide shut. "You understand that I can get worse, though. I can get ill again. The arrhythmia's not completely cured."

"I know." Mathias busied himself with stroking Lukas' hair, fingers moving down to smooth over his face and jaw. "That's the first thing the doctors told us. But you've got a fighting chance, Lukas, if it does get worse- you've got the pacemaker for starters, and that's almost definitely going to keep your heart regular. Yeah, you'll have to get it replaced, but so what? You'll still be healthy. Your heart will still be normal."

"As normal as it can get." Smiling slightly, Lukas exhaled deeply, breathing ghosting over Mathias' fingers. "The next thing you're going to say is that we'll be together forever. I'm right, aren't I?"

"Of course. Don't expect anything else." Leaning down, Mathias pressed a gentle kiss to Lukas' forehead. The Norwegian could feel his heart speed up, but this time, it wasn't because of his heart. Instead, it was the sensation of Mathias tracing his collarbone with a feather-light touch and now trailing kisses down his cheek. "Did you think that we weren't?"

"We could always break up," he offered, shrugging slightly. "It happens. I don't want it to, though. I really do want to be with you."

"That's good. I do, too." Another comfortable silence stretched out between the two, Lukas' eyes fixed on the sea as he shifted on Mathias' lap. He hadn't expected anything to work out between the two of them. Towards the end, the Norwegian had honestly though that he'd die in the hospital- there would be no returning home to Emil, no goals to carry out, no _future _with Mathias. Now, able to stare at the rest of his life and know that it was in his grasp, he felt somehow overwhelmed at the thought. He was jerked out of his thoughts by Mathias' sudden voice, and glanced up at the Dane. "We _did _rush into a relationship too quickly. You've said it before, but I guess it's true."

"It is. We can work on it, though." Lukas reached up to stroke a hand along Mathias' cheek, the other boy leaning into his touch with sombre eyes focused on him. "Like you said earlier: I'm going to live. I have sixty, seventy years ahead of me to spend with you. There's plenty of time to work on the boring things then." Mathias snorted, but was cut off when Lukas pulled him down into a kiss. When they broke apart, Lukas kept his available hand against the side of Mathias' face, thumb stroking along his cheekbones. "I love you, Mathias."

"I know." His words were met with a smile from the Dane, but Mathias' smile faded and expression grew serious as Lukas didn't break his gaze. "You love me. Okay. That's different from usual because...?"

"Because I'm in love with you, idiot." At Mathias' stare, Lukas gave an exasperated sigh. "Did you expect less?"

The Dane remained silent, stunned out of words, until Lukas laughed and kissed him again, hooking an arm around Mathias' neck to pull him against his body.

All too soon, the sky began darkening, and the air around them grew colder. Mathias helped Lukas to his feet as he pulled his phone out, beginning to text as he spoke in a low voice. "I'll get Berwald to pick us up. You like steak, right? 'Cause there's fish, if you don't want any-"

"Steak is fine." Lukas lent against him, and Mathias readjusted the blanket around his thin shoulders. "I appreciate it. I still don't know why you've all decided to be so kind to me. Sometimes I don't think I deserve you."

"Don't be an idiot," Mathias scoffed, reaching to take Lukas' hand again. "I don't think _I _deserve _you. _After all, the first time I met you I got myself slapped by a dinner tray, remember? Climbing on top of you wasn't my best idea."

"Definitely not. Your expression was funny, though." Smiling slightly, Lukas let his head rest against the curve of Mathias' shoulder. "Maybe it was a good idea, though. I met you."

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess it was." The sun was setting on the horizon as they stood by the side of the road, waiting for Berwald to arrive. Squeezing Lukas' hand, Mathias spoke again in a low voice. "If you do get sick again, I'll be here for you. You won't though- I know you won't- but just so you know, I'm always going to be here for you."

"I know you will. Likewise, for you. You're probably not going to get rid of me." Mathias wrapped an arm around him, and Lukas pressed his cheek against his broad chest. "Still, we're going to be okay. We have to be. I really do love you, Mathias."

"I love you too, Lukas. Never doubt that." Lukas smiled up at him in the gloom, a gesture reciprocated by Mathias, as the lights of Berwald's car made their way towards them.

"I won't. I promise."

"Alright?" Berwald asked as they climbed into the back, eyes meeting them in the mirror. Mathias nodded, Lukas offering the Swede a faint smile.

"Great. Thanks for the lift." Berwald only nodded with a hidden smile, starting the car again as Mathias' hand found Lukas' in the dark and held tight, the white of his teeth flashing with his usual wide grin. This time, unlike previous chances in the hospital, Lukas returned it with one of his own.

They were going to be okay. If he knew anything, it was that. He wasn't healthy, not really, and they both knew it. But somehow, it was all right. He had the pacemaker- while not an overall cure, it meant that he was going to live. He was going to _survive,_ be there for Emil,be the support Mathias had never had, and be able to face tomorrow with Mathias' hand tight around his. Lukas was sure of that.

And if that wasn't a reason to keep living, he didn't know what else was.

**the end**

* * *

**I'm amazed I managed to finish this, to be honest. It's a story that made me fall in love with writing again, and with DenNor... I think I'm going to cry. I liked the pairing when I began this, but my love for the characters grew as I continued writing, to the point where Denmark really is my favourite now. They're a beautiful pairing, and I really hope I've done them justice.**

**Thank you so, so much to everyone who supported me through this and encouraged me to keep going. There's simply far too many people to thank, so I'll have to do it in a tumblr post. The feedback I've received is astonishing and, quite frankly, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself now a story that I just loved writing is finished.**

**Some of you may wonder why I decided to let Norway live (and I received more than a few messages asking why he should or shouldn't). Really, it was just a few things- being unable to actually kill him off for one, but it simply wouldn't have been fair. Denmark and Norway had suffered enough, and deserved their happy ending together- life may not be fair at times, but these two finally achieved what they both wanted: a future with someone who loved them. His survival was planned since the start, though I did my best to confuse people as to what would happen!**

**Again, thank you to everyone. You've all been absolutely amazing, and I can't thank you enough. Any last words would be much appreciated, and I do hope you enjoyed _Hummingbird _from beginning to end.**

**-sascake**


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